Dear Uncle Mike,
Before 1 begin let me say 1 enjoy your
column very much. Your wit and wisdom
has brightened many a day for me. Why are
you not syndicated more widely? Is there no
justice in the world.
My question concerns the recent discovery that 45% of Americans are overweight. I
read somewhere that the Romans got fatter just before their empire fell. I’d love to hear
your thoughts on what the fattening of America means. Will over weight women become
the beauty norm. Will male paunches become a power symbol?
Slim in Portland, Oregon
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Dear Slim,
Before Uncle Mike begins, let him say how much he enjoyed your letter. Your taste and
sensibilities have brightened his day. Yes, there is justice in the world. What is is right; all
that it could be, given the conditions leading to it. Uncle Mike is, evidently, syndicated to
the breaking point of the world’s interest in his opinions. He’s shocked things have gone
as far as they have.
The plumping of America will come as no surprise to historians, of whom one of the
more snotty will suggest the motto on our currency should have read, In Ourselves We
Indulge. The plagues threatening, and snickering at, twentieth century America are self
indulgence and its idiot twin, self-righteousness. Americans spend more on dieting that the
United Nations spends on famine relief and throw away as much as the rest of humanity
consumes. From this podium, we counsel the world on what it should do with its life.
We’re fat for the same reasons we’re overextended on credit: the people with something
to sell have convinced us that self control, not to mention anything as drastic as good old
fashioned restraint, are a sin against our national birthright. We feel we owe ourselves a
luxury four wheel drive personal assault vehicle for the same reason we deserve meals that
would feed third world families for a week: because we’re number one. There’s a fine,
fatal line between freedom and license and our culture is hell bent on erasing it.
Will overweight women become the beauty norm? All things are possible, some are
worth dying to prevent. Will male paunches become power symbols? Unless shedding
blubber becomes tax deductible and moderation becomes a marketable virtue, probably yes.
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Dear Uncle Mike,
I am a twelve year old girl. My teacher asked us to write about men and women,
whether they’re different or not and how much and what way and if they’re equal. I asked
a lot of people and read about it but could you tell me? If it was in your column I could get
a better grade too.
Chris T., Seattle, Washington
C 0 \T E \1 P 0 R A R >
D E S IG N '
F IN E
ART
Dear Chris,
As you and Uncle Mike both know, girls are different from boys; men and women even
more so. This will be true if a female basketball player becomes a five time MVP in the
NBA and the CEOs of the top five Fortune 500 corporations aren’t men. The difference
between men and women is biological. It’s not just that women can bear children and men
can’t; it’s that their body chemistries exist to fulfill one reproductive function or another.
Body chemistry determines our thoughts and perceptions, our moods, our drives and, to a
large extent, our individual destinies. Female hormones aren’t male hormones and they
never will be. It’s said that society creates gender differences. Uncle Mike thinks gender
differences create society. Rather than competing with each other, men and women should
compliment each other’s power. If for no other reason that that the universe functions that
way. At the bottom of anything that happens, something is either emitted or absorbed.
Emission is not better than absorption, or stronger or smarter. It’s onlv different. And
equal. After women understand what it means to be a woman and men understand what it
means to be a man, we can all start learning what it means to be human. That’s when the
real fun starts.
(503) 436-2910
P.O. Box 1 JOB
Cannon Beach, OR 97110
C h r is te n
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Dear Uncle Mike,
Why do women start off wanting sex as much as the guy but always wind up not
wanting it as much? I’m starting to think women use sex just to hook you.
Chad S., Beaverton, Oregon
Dear Chad,
Although any woman with the brains God gave a crowbar knows the sexual power she
wields over men, especially men like you, only a woman without the brains God gave a
crowbar would use it to ‘hook’ one, especially one like you. At the risk of wasting his
energy or, as you’d put it, spitting into the wind, he’ll try to explain it to you in words you
can understand. Women, following the advice of their DNA, have sex (for the most part)
with men who make them feel loved and secure. That they can be fooled explains why you
have a sex life at all.
(SdMb^oocL
Member FDIC
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