Dear Uncle Mike,
What do you think about a
husband who reads his wife's
personal e-mail and then gets
jealous over what he's read?
Heidi in San Francisco
Dear Heidi,
Much the same as he feels about being asked questions that
lack the parameters necessary for an intelligent response. For
the sake of polite discourse, Uncle Mike will assume the
offending message made no mention of a recent episode of
wild abandon, or confirm plans for a future excursion into the
dark heart of infidelity, or otherwise contain passages purple
enough for a jury of adults to see as grounds for a male hissy
fit. Given these conditions, your husband's wounded ego
hasn't a leg to jump up and down on. You may remind him
for Uncle Mike that, in the days when messages from a
distance came in envelopes, he would be
guilty of both mail tampering and violating the privacy of a
human who, in the best of all possible worlds, would be his
most trusted and respected friend. If, as Uncle Mike assumes,
the message was addressed to you alone, his decision to read it
was a serious violation of social contract. A person puts up
with this sort of behavior only at great risk to the long term
quality of their life. Uncle Mike has a shameless love for
simple truths. Conflict begins when we mistake someone else's
affairs for our own. Wars begin when someone takes
something that isn't theirs. Assure your husband such
behavior is beneath him and that much depends on his ability
to resist it.
Dear Uncle Mike,
Well, I hope you like giving advice on the sinister topic of
love. I am currently living with my fiancee' (I guess you
could call him that; I have yet to see a ring). I am 21 and he
is 12 years older than I, divorced with two kids. We have been
together a year now. In the beginning of our relationship, he
was always expressing his feelings to me. I remember feeling
like he was almost "too" much, he ALWAYS wanted to be near
me. About six months ago, I really fell in love with him. And
now, the tables have turned. He has come from a terrible
divorce and I have come from several bad relationships
my seif. We have a terrible communication problem. Last
night he walked away from a conversation in which we were
both frustrated. Which left me to spend a night alone for the
first time in a long time. He gets very defensive when I tell
him that something he did hurts me. How do I talk to him in
a way that he will listen? How do I react to this?
A life spent in making mistakes is
not only more honorable but
more useful than a life spent
doing nothing.
- George Bernard Shaw
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Heartbroken and Questioning, Portland, Oregon
J
P
C
Dear Heartbroken Questioner,
Fortunately for all concerned, Uncle Mike enjoys giving
counsel on all matters not pertaining to which fork to use.
You ask about love. Unless there are some strengths and
delights to your relationship that you failed to mention, it
sounds like half of your engagement is disengaging. The
dance you describe is called approach/avoidance, much like
the tango only more ancient. Regardless how egalitarian a
pair bond turns out to be, it begins with a pursuit: a
constellation of primal, often brutal behaviors which,
performed artfully, constitutes courtship. During the six
months before you fell in love, your suitor was, in
Shakespearian terms, wooing you. Putting its best paw
forward as it were. Your avoidance invoked his approach. At
the moment you opened yourself, flower like, to his professed
devotion, the dynamics of your little tango changed. Once a
person gets past the hysterical weeping, one of the funniest
things about love is that the person who cares the least has the
most power. You have become, in business terms, a done deal.
Uncle Mike isn't suggesting for a minute that this is the best
you can, and jolly well should, expect in the way of male
behavior. If, for instance, what your fiancee' was really
interested in was sharing a life with you, your acceptance of
his suit would exalt his soul, precipitate a you've-made-me-
the-happiest-man-in-the-world experience, and make him vow
to live up to the honor you've paid him Such a person would
pour more energy into the system, not less. Giving the swine
the benefit of the doubt, this may be a reflex that will pass in
time. Real relationships with women tend to terrify men; who,
living as they do in an entirely different biochemical universe,
have a need for emotional aloofness wise women eventually
cease trying to understand. Although gender distinct
behaviors are, for the most part, myth, male humans resist
being absorbed with a strength only matched by the female
humans who, with the purest and best of intentions and no
small amount of patience, devote their lives to absorbing them.
On a good day, it's all quite amusing. Given time, your male
may learn to face his phobias like a man and recognize you as
a fairy sent by his karma to remind him of a purpose higher
than himself. From what you say. Uncle Mike wouldn't bet on
it.
In dealing with his fellow humans. Uncle Mike finds what
works the best is to see things as they are. This person's
behavior is hurting you. The distance between you is
increasing rather than decreasing. It's becoming more, not
less, difficult to communicate. You seem to express yourself
well, which leads Uncle Mike to suspect the reason your
fiancee' is neither listening nor hearing is that he doesn't find
what you're talking about all that interesting. What one does
now is draw a line in the sand. Calmly and compassionately
tell him that the person he's become isn't someone you'd
consider spending the rest of your life with. Tell him that,
your love for him aside, he has a decision to make and that, if
he'd like, you'll be glad to give him a day or two to make it.
As some philosopher must have said: life is short, a bum
marriage is long
W O R K S
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a n n o n
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