Dear Uncle Mike,
Is it ever proper for a woman to open a
door for a man? Whenever 1 do it, I gel
strange looks.
Cynthia S., Portland
Dear Cynthia,
Like many others before you, you've confused Uncle M ike with Miss
Manners, Ann Landers or her dear sister Abby. Unlike them. Uncle M ike
is studiously ignorant o f etiquette: the Byzantine set o f rules and
rituals devised by the idle classes to make the rest o f humanity feel
socially challenged. Uncle M ike regards it as no accident that the word
comes to us from the French, a culture that calls pancakes 'crepe', or
that its literal meaning is 'ticket', as in: we have one and you
don't. Etiquette-wise, even in the sclf-rightcously egalitarian
nineties, it's probably a social gaffe fo r you to open a door for any
male not obviously infirm or disabled. It's also uncouth to use your
salad fork to decorously tw irl your spaghetti into the spoon you mustn't
use fo r the soup. But then, it's hard to imagine why anyone in their
right mind would care. I f the spirit moves you to open the door for
someone, Uncle M ike sees no reason the configuration o f their
reproductive hardware should enter into your decision. O f course, Uncle
M ike thrives on strange looks and takes pleasure in performing those
acts o f consideration his mother taught him were the basis o f good
manners.
Dear Uncle Mike,
One o f my friends is really getting on my nerves. I want to tell her
o ff but I don't want to be rude to her. What should 1 do?
Anonymous, Elko, Nevada
Dear Anonymous,
As the first step in resolving any problem involving another human,
Uncle M ike recommends self examination. Is there something you're dc
that could be unsettling to your friend? Is her behavior the only thing
that's getting on your nerves? Are you being overly sensitive or
judgmental about something that's not a large deal? Are you just
reacting negatively to change, a favorite reaction even among those old
enough to know better? I f the answers are all no, you have three
options: accept your friend's behavior, do something to change it, or
redefine your relationship. Changing the behavior o f others is a tricky
business and, i f what you're shooting fo r is positive change, you're
right in assuming that telling the young woman o ff isn't the best
approach. Uncle M ike has yet to witness a situation made better by
being rude. Deal w ith your friend the way you'd want her to deal with
you should your behavior ever run its fingernails down the blackboard o f
her life. People behave badly for one o f two reasons: they're either
afraid or they need attention. T ry to understand why she's being
unpleasant. Although coming right out and asking her isn't cheating,
you'll learn more by trying to figure it out yourself. It's also a good
reason to ask your parents or other elders what they think and to think
about what they say. Remember what you like most about your friend and
w hy you value your relationship. Tell her. Then let her know in subtle
ways (by laughingly shoving your fingers down your throat or tapping her
forehead w ith an imaginary mallet) when her actions arc pushing you over
the edge. I f she cares, she's a friend. I f she doesn't, she's an
acquaintance. Much depends on learning to distinguish the two.
describe your friend as a "good guy". This speaks well for his ability
to, given lime, grasp the fundamentals o f having a relationship. Only
you know whether the pearl is worth the price.
Dear Lucy,
The only things Uncle M ike makes it a practice not to speak o f are the
private affairs o f people who arc not in the same room. Uncle Mike
believes in a universe that is, beneath the bells and whistles o f
observed reality, a unified field: all things are one thing. What we
observe is a thin membrane o f object/cvents on an undifferentiated and
unmanifest sea o f probabilities. The organizing principle that
transforms what m ight be into what is, is consciousness. Every
object/event in the universe, ourselves included, is a point conscious
perspective o f infinite potential. This limitless possibility is the
unity that rests behind the illusion o f difference, like a final Burma
Shave sign saying nothing: all that is, added to all that was,
m ultiplied by all that might be. The God o f quantum reality doesn't
play dice. The God o f quantum reality plays poker.
Dear Maria,
People hate what they fear and fear what they don't understand. Many
o f them live alone and frightened in a world so small that anything, or
anyone, different is a threat. Racial and ethnic hatred is usually
learned, and so, can be unlearned. Our country's population is changing
from a predominantly white Anglo-Saxon culture into a multi-ethnic one.
Hopefully, being thrown together more often w ill help us all understand
how much more alike than different we are. As fo r what Uncle Mike
thinks o f prejudiced people: he hopes they feel better soon.
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Wood
4 3 6 -0 2 7 9
Dear Uncle Mike,
Just curious. As a liberal, can't-we-all-just-get-along hypocrite,
what do you think o f Slick W illy now? I'd love to hear you defend the
slime ball. Consensual or not, Monica Lewinsky is a kid.
No Fan, Portland, Oregon
Most of our so-called reasoning consists in
finding arguments for going on believing
as we already do.
James H aney Robinson
Dear No,
Uncle M ike is glad you took time from your obviously unpleasant life to
scribble a few insults and half-baked opinions and send them o ff to
him. You need all the release you can get and w riting letters sure
beats sitting on the porch shooting rats. T o clear your confusion,
Uncle M ike is not now, nor has he ever been, anyone's idea o f a
liberal. As a lad, he was a conservative; which is to say, very good at
behaving and playing the game. As a young man, he was a radical- which
is to say, an active and disruptive agent for change. Those were the
days. These days, Uncle M ike is conservative radical who votes for any
party endorsing the equations o f quantum physics and the lyrics o f Bob
Dylan. This may make him a progressive.
But you were squealing and snorting about Miss Lewinsky. Uncle Mike
must question your use o f the term 'kid'. She is, both legally and
functionally, a young woman. Like you, and here all similarities must
end. Uncle M ike knows about her only what he reads in the newspapers or
is force fed by cable. W hile filled with compassion for anyone forced
to attend Beverly H ills High, Uncle M ike cannot bring himself to cast
Miss Lewinsky as a young w aif in a nding hood. Only in a time when
everyone is a victim would anyone think to call her one. Like the rest
o f us, she's responsible fo r her actions and, even i f they involve the
President o f the only superpower on the planet, you can't imagine how
little they interest Uncle Mike. Neither arc they any o f his business.
What does Uncle M ike think o f President Clinton now? That he’s done
some good things fo r the country, sold out some things he shouldn't
have, is doing the best he can, and evidently has a hard time with
monogamy. The first three are matters o f public concern, the last is
between M r. Clinton and his wife.
Letters to Uncle Mike: PO Box 1242, Dcpoc Bay, OR 97341
V i c t o r H . P lu c y ,
4 3 6 -9 2 2 5
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Dear Uncle Mike,
Maybe you can help with this problem. I would like to have a
comfortable relationship with someone, but he makes it difficult. He
continually makes Fervent Promises, but consistently delivers Faint
Performances. He's a good guy, but his flakiness hurls. A ny
suggestions?
tí
M aria U., Elko, Nevada
Dear Uncle Mike,
I've been reading your column for several years now and, although I
don't always agree w ith your advice, I very much enjoy your mind. I
especially like your thoughts on quantum physics, a subject I know
nothing about but am now at least interested in, and about consciousness [ C 3 e n e r a l C o u n s e l i n g
not being subject to death. These are strange subjects to find in an
In d iv id u a ls
advice column. You needn't answer me in print but I would be interested
to know what sort o f God, i f any, you believe is consistent w ith what
C o u p l e s & F a m i li e s
you know about the universe? Or do you make it a practice not to speak
o f such things?
Call Me Lucy, Portland, Oregon
S E W I N
Dear Uncle Mike,
What do you think o f prejudiced people? Who cares about other people's
religion, culture or color? What's the main reason for people hating
other people?
u m . t .. u m . p .
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C o m fo rt Care - A.B.KCP. - N.CT.M.B.
D m AppoiMtwcMt . . . fOt-7t*-4*fO
S e rv in g the N o r th e r n O regon c o a s t. . .
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Burned
It is clear that thought is not free if the profession of
certain
opinions makes it impossible to earn a living.
Dear Burned,
Bertrand Russell
Uncle M ike sees three options: lower your own standards, persuade him
to raise his, or kick the dust from your boots and ride away. Not
knowing either o f you, Uncle M ike has no idea what he's promising and
why, how fervent his promises are, and how faint his performances might
be. Being a man more than seven in dog years, he has more than a faint
inkling. What you're asking him to promise are behaviors for which,
after nearly a m illion years o f social evolution, male humans have
displayed absolutely no knack. They form a veritable constellation o f
behaviors whose visible spectrum runs from monogamy and emotional
availability to taking out the garbage and giving back rubs without
being asked. W ithout question, men would be much better persons i f they
were able to learn, or even admit their stupidity and wrongness, but
after twenty-five years o f intense consciousness raising (all dates
being cither before o r after Ms. Magazine), the success rate remains
discouraging. As Tammy Wynctte put it so well, "A fter all, he's just a
man."
W hich scarcely means you shouldn't continue to bear down on him if the
spirit moves you. Be the gentle ox goad that herds him to perfection.
Devise a system o f rewards and punishments that molds his nature more
closely into what you have in mind. Women have incredible power over
men, which explains the fear and suspicion men feel when they bond with
them. In terms best suited to a bumper sticker, testosterone hates to
lose. Whether by habit or biochemistry, men suspect that in order to be
who women need them to be, they must cease to be who they are. This is,
in large part, true. It's also true i f you swap genders. Men fear what
you fear: the loss o f sell. Part o f what makes mating and bonding so
funny is that what preserves a sense o f self in one person, close
emotional bonding and interdependence, decays it in the other. There
being no accidents in the universe. Uncle Mike suspects we're all
supposed to learn something from this. What physicists know so far is
that the equation o f the cosmic marriage between Emission and Absorption
(the roots o f the tree o f good and evil) is: different and equal. You
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