D ev.
WHERE TO GET AN EDGE
Reverend Billy,
Hults
Cannon Beach Jupiter's Rare and Used Books, Osburn's
Grocery, The Cookie Co., Coffee Cabaña, Bill's Tavern,
Cannon Beach Book Co., Haine's Bakerie, The Bistro,
Midtown Café, Once Upon a Breeze, Copies & Pax,
Heather's,The Homegrown Cafe, Haystack Video, Mariner
Market, Esspresso Bean, Ecola Squard & Cleanline Surf
Manzanita: Mother's Nature Juice Bar, Bayside Gardens,
Cassandra's, Manzanita News & Espresso, Pacific Coast
Books & Coffee, & Nehalem Bay Video
Nehalem: Mermaid Cafe
Rockaway: Sharkey's
Tillamook: Rainy Day Books
Garibaldi: Garibaldi Books
Bay City: Art Space
Yachats By-the-Sea Books
Pacific City: The River House, Par Country Books, &
Village Merchants
Oceanside: Ocean Side Espresso
Lincoln City: Trillium Natural Foods, Driftwood Library,
& Lighthouse Brewpub
Depoe Bay: Oregon Books
Newport: Oceana Natural Foods, Café DIVA, Cosmo Café,
Bookmark Café, Newport Bay Coffee Co., Cuppatunes, Bay
Latté, Ocean Pulse Surf Shop, Coastal Coffee Co., Sylvia
Beach Hotel, Green Gables Bookstore/B&B, & Canyon Way
Eugene: Book Mark, Café Navarra, Eugene Public ljbrary,
Friendly St. Market, Happy Trails, Keystone Café, Kiva
Foods, Lane C.C., Light For Music, New Frontier Market,
Nineteenth Street Brew Pub, Oasis Market, Perry's, Red Bam
Grocery, Sundance Natural Foods, U of O, & WOW Hall
Corvallis: The Environmental Center,OSU..
Salem: Heliotrope, Salem Library, & The Peace Store
Astoria: KMUN, Columbian Café, The Community Store,
The Wet Dog Cafe, Astoria Coffee Company .Café
Uniontown, & Shark Rock Cafe
Seaside: Buck's Book Bam, Universal Video, & Cafe
Espresso
Portland: Artichoke Music, Laughing Horse Bookstore, Act
III, Barnes & Noble, Belmonts Inn, Bibelot Art Gallery, Bijou
Café, Borders, Bridgeport Brew Pub, Capt'n Beans (two
locations), Center for the Healing Light, Coffee People (three
locations). Common Grounds Coffee, East Avenue Tavern,
Food Front, Goose Hollow Inn, Hot Lips Pizza, Java Bay
Café, Key I^argo, La Pattisserie, Lewis & Clark College,
Locals Only, Marco's Pizza, Marylhurst College, Mt. Hood
CC, Music Millenium, Nature's (two locations), NW Natural
Gas, OHSU Medical School, Old Wives Tales, Ozone
Records, Papa Haydn, PCC (four locations), PSU (two
locations), Reed College, Third Eye, TransCentral Library, &
YWCA
Cornelius: The Weekend Garden Market
The Dalles: Klindts Bookseller
Hood River: Purple Rocks Art Bar, & Cafe
Ashland: Garo's Java House, The Black Sheep, Blue Mt.
Cafe, & Rogue River Brewery
Cave Junction: Coffe Heaven & Kerby Community Market
(Out of Oregon)
Longview, WA: The Broadway Gallery, & Carat Patch
Long Beach, WA: Pacific Picnics
Naselle, WA: Rainy Day Artisty
Nahcotta, WA: Moby Dick Hotel
Duvall, WA: Duval, Books
Bainbridge Island, WA: Eagle Harbor Book Co.
Seattle, WA: Elliot Bay Book Co., Honey Bear Bakery,
New Orleans Restaurant, Still Ufe in Fremont, Allegro
Coffeehouse, The Last Exit Coffee House, & Bulldog News
San Francisco, CA: City Lights Bookstore
Denver, Co: Denver Folklore Center
New York, NY: The Strand Book Company
Washington, D.C.: Hotel Tabard Inn
Some filler for your esteemed publication.
They ask stupid questions all over, not just in Cannon
Beach...
Editorial
Here's a brief collection of stupid questions tourists
ask at other charming tourist destinations, mostly
national parks. Some of these were asked of real
rangers at real information desks. At first, some of
them didn't want to come forth with the stupid
questions they had been asked. The ranger-types
would put on their best ranger smiley faces and reply,
"Oh, there's no such thing as a stupid question!" Or,
more chirpily, if they were new, and/or it was still early
in the season, "The only stupid question is the one you
don't ask!" But when prodded with a conspiratorial,
"You can tell me. I spent twelve summers in
Yellowstone, I've heard more stupid questions in a day
than you'll hear in a lifetime," well, they tended to
unload.
Appropriately stupid answers are noted, when
appropriate. In the southeast: "Why were so many Civil
War battles fought on national historic sites?"
At Bagnell Dam, Missouri, a hydroelectric provider
and a recreational lake: "What happens to the water
after you take the electricity out of it?"
Montezuma's Castle National Monument, an Anasazi
site southeast of the Grand Canyon: "Did real people
build these cliff dwellings, or did Indians?"
A tourist comment, while looking up at a cliff
dwelling, "I guess they sure had to watch their babies
so they didn't fall off, huh?" Eureka, we thought. The
answer to the mystery of the Anasazi: it wasn't hostile
neighboring tribes or disease or drought or famine
that made them leave their homes after all: they just all
fell off. Archeological digs at the base of the cliff
dwellings would probably show piles of human bones
like some sort of human buffalo jump.
Yosemite National Park, at Half Dome: "Where's the
other half?" The snappy answer to this stupid question,
actually made by a now-former ranger: "Oh my God!
It was there a second ago!"
The second stupidest question, asked daily in
Yosemite, "What time does Old Faithful go off?" And
in Yellowstone: "Where's that big rock, Half­
something?"
The Grand Canyon gets plenty of them, too. "Why
isn't there an elevator to the bottom?" "Is this natural
or man-made?"
"Is there a light show at night?"
"I want to buy tickets for the mule train. Where's the
depot?" Then there's Yellowstone, crown jewel in the
parks system, home of Yogi and Boo-Boo, the ur-
mother of all stupid tourist questions:
"How much does that mountain weigh?"
"Does the park service plant all these trees?" "Where
are all the big trees?" In California, in Sequoia
National Park, of course.
"When do the deer turn into elk?" (Reverend Billy says
they ask this in Cannon Beach, too.)
While looking at the largest concentration of geysers,
hot springs, and mud pots in the world, "Is all this stuff
good for anything?" Smart ass reply, spoken with a
straight face: "It's good for the economy: it keeps
Kodak in business." Oh, okay. Nature makes sense if it
makes money for someone. The natural world can't
just "be" if it isn't "good" for something.
Tour bus rider, near the end of the tour: "Are there
any birds in Yellowstone? Why haven't we seen any
birds today?" Politely spoken, obvious answer:
"Because we've been sitting in a bus all day, doing
about 40 to 45 miles an hour. How many birds do you
expect to see at 40 miles an hour?"
Elk butt question, number one. To a bus driver:
"Driver, what other animal in the park has a big white
butt like the elk?" Do you mean besides you, sir?
(True story, sweartoGod )
Elk butt question, number two. "Driver, why do the elk
have white butts?" As the bus is full of middle-aged
men, driver thinks it is okay to indulge in some risque
humor: "It gives the bulls something to aim at."
Nobody laughed: turns out the gentlemen were all
elders of the Mormon church.
"Do the geysers go off at night?" No, geothermal
activity only occurs during daylight hours in the
northern hemisphere.
"EX) the hot springs freeze over in winter?" Yes, and
you have to be real careful on the ice: if you walk on
it and break through, you can get badly burned.
Which way is the ocean?
Now & Then
Welcome to November, we here on the edge of
America are hunkering in, preparing for the winter
winds and wetness. We all await the opening of
Bill’s Tavern (and Brewpub?) with some concern.
Avid readers know that the heart of this small village
went in for surgery in February, and is about to
emerge with some new organs and a noticeable face­
lift. Ken & Jim, the owners and surgeons of record
assured your editor that all went well, and the heart is
intact. The holy fonts that dispense the sacramental
fluids, so necessary for the Vespers services, are
flowing freely. Accommodations have been
provided for the Choir, and the music will return in
due time. We imagine that by the time this reaches
our friends at The Strand Bookstore in New York or
even City Lights in The City, you will once again be
able to find your beloved rev. perched atop his
favorite stool, telling profound lies and silly stones
with Professor Lindsey, Chief Stumblefoot, Dr.
Karkeys and the usual suspects. Ah, home again at
last.
Some of our readers will be delighted to leam that
your beloved editor is once again causing trouble for
the powers that be here on the edge. It just seems
too easy to cut down trees here in ‘T ree City, USA”,
a couple of Sitka Spruce were about to go down
when we got a call. Now, you know how much we
hate to cause trouble, but we just got a copy of Dr.
Seuss’s, ‘T h e Lorax” in the store. Do you
remember the story and what the Lorax said?
“Mister!" he said with a sawdusty sneeze, “I am the
Lorax. I speak fo r the trees. 1 speak for the trees,
fo r the trees have not tongues. ” But no one listened
until the world was almost totally destroyed. "And
all that the Lorax left here in this mess was a small
pile o f rocks, with the one word....UNLESS.
Whatever that meant, well, I just couldn ’t guess.
That was long, long ago. But each day since that
day I ’ve sat here and worried and worried away.
Through the years, while my buildings have fallen
apart, I ’ve worried about it with all o f my heart. But
now, says the Once-ler, Now that yo u 're here, the
word o f the Lorax seems perfectly clear. Unless
someone like you care a whole awful lot, nothing is
going to get better. I t ’s not. ” Well, at the next
planning commission we will be speaking for the
trees, come join us if you care a whole awful lot..
M o’ Stuff,
From our Society pages comes the social event of
the season, the wedding of Retired City Councilor
and recovering Mime, John Fraser, and the lovely
Lisa Heath. Touted as a merger of ownership and
management-at the legendary Once Upon a Breeze
kite shop, it was a truly beautiful and touching
ceremony officiated by Current Mayor Kirk
Anderson. The color theme appeared to be white
with a bunch of other colors, one bridesmaid(?) was
wearing one blue pump and one white pump, to
honor the groom’s well known fashion sense. The
bride arrived to the tune of “Ain’t She Sweet” played
by the Trio of Bass, Violin and Ukulele. The vows
spoke of partnership and stress, and there was not a
dry eye, as they say, but there were some noticeable
gigglings. Yes, your beloved rev. wept openly,
mostly from self pity but that’s a long story. By the
time we had to leave to return to our duties at the
bookstore the couple had donned baseball caps
labeled bride and groom; marital aids we imagine.
ANTHONY STOFTTELLO
= A rchitect
Earth friendly architecture
Consultant - Educator
Passive solar design
Conscientious material use
Licensed in Oregon and Washington
3 10 Lake S t • POB 72, Ilwaco, WA 9 & 6 2 4 ( 3 6 0 ) 6 4 2 - 4 2 5 6
| r~U P P E R-L E F T-E D G E—4
Editor/Publisher/Janitor: The
Beloved Reverend Billy Lloyd Hults
Graphics Editor: The Humble Ms.
Sally Louise Lackaff
Copy E ditor/Science Editor/Voice
of Reason/Indian C ountry/Uncle
Mike/etc.: Michael Burgess
W ildlife Inform ant/M usic Reporter
at Large: Peter "Spud" Siegel
Education E ditor Peter Lindsey
Im provisational Engineer: Dr.
Karkeys
Paste/Production/P roof Reader:
Myma Uhlig
Bass Player Bill Uhlig
Poetry Editor: John Buckley
Wine Expert: Jim Anderson
Political Consultant: Kathleen
Krushas
Environmental News: Kim Bossé
Mr. Baseball: Jeff Larson
Local Colour: Ron Logan
June's Garden: June Kroft
WEB Builder: Liz Lynch
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Business: Becky Hart
Ad Sales: Katherine Mace
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Distribution
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Coordinator: Karen Brown
And A Cast O f Thousands!!
¡7,
im
u r r t w .
& &
Y ou’re right from your side and I’m right from mine,
w e’re ju st one too many mornings and a thousand miles
b eh in d .
«
4« NATURALFÖODS >
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TRILLIUM
>
DUANE JOHNSON
REAL ESTATE
City
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