Dear Uncle Mike,
Unlike many of those who write you, my life
isn't riddled with difficulties. My love lile is
fine, my job is satisfying, I have no problem
pets, and I'm not obsessed with the
implications of quantum theory. My problem
is remembering names. My work involves a
good deal of socializing and I'm constantly
embarrassed by being unable to recall the
names of people I've known, on a casual basis,
for some time. I was just wondering it, in your
travels, you'd come across some simple way of
remembering names. Other people must suffer
the same syndrome Thanks for your time.
B.T., Portland, Oregon
Dear B.T.,
Being obsessed with the implications of quantum theory, Uncle Mike regards
time as an illusion of the senses, a figment of our measured observation ot a
seamless everywhere and everywhen. For this reason, and others he'll not go
into, Uncle Mike ignores time whenever possible and would open a vein
before wearing a personal clock, unless it weighed lorty or lifty pounds and
was shackled to his neck He could get behind that as a lorm of meditation
But you're welcome anyway. Uncle Mike is happy as a bunny to hear your
life is going well, aside from your brain's inability to store important
information, which is probably nothing to worry about. Uncle Mike has
trouble remembering names too. Of course. Uncle Mike has trouble
remembering many things. Try this. Since your love life is so grand, try never
to go anywhere socially without your partner. Ask her, as a favor, to introduce
herself if you don't do so immediately upon meeting another mysterious
someone Done smoothly, they'll never catch on that your neural software has
classified them as forgettable. Uncle Mike skated by on this one tor years.
One small word of warning It's important that you not have quarreled with
your accomplice on the way to the gathering. You don't want to see the way
she'll smile and cock an eyebrow as the paintul silence tails
Dear Uncle Mike,
The other day I was standing outside of a shop, having a smoke while my
friend finished his business A woman walked by on the sidewalk with her
daughter, w ho looked to be about seven As 1 usually do, I smiled and
nodded. The woman looked at me like 1 was carrying an ax and told her
daughter to hold her breath I regard myself as a considerate smoker and have
no quarrel with rules banning smoking in enclosed public places, but 1 don't
enjoy or believe I deserve being treated like a pariah for engaging in what is,
when I last looked, a legal activity. I'm a long time reader and know that you
smoke, or at least did, and would appreciate it if you'd answer this in your
column. Not so I can see my gripes in print but that it might encourage
nonsmokers to loosen the screws a little. Am 1 expecting too much?
Angela W., Elko, Nevada
Dear Angela,
In a word, yes. The health and fitness enlightenment that's somehow generated
the most overweight American population in history may sanction dosing
their emotionally neglected children with Prozac but they'll never stop
flogging you for smoking tobacco anywhere near them. It does no good to
remind them that the cars driving past them on the sidewalk belch, annually,
their curb weight in known carcinogens and toxic gases vile and various. You
will still be, in their mind, a Filthy addict whose habit is the greatest threat they
face in the pursuit of their bliss. You must remind yourself often that this is
their problem. As Socrates probably said, prigs are prigs. As others are born
to dance, prigs are born to wretch at the sight of any behavior other than their
own. Allow Uncle Mike to share his favorite smoking story. It comes from the
late Father Abbot, founder of William Temple House in Portland, and the
finest practicing Christian Uncle Mike's ever met. Father Abbot was a
Falstaffian figure, full of laughter and life, much loved and respected by
everyone who so much as met him, a man who loved good food only slightly
more than he loved shopping for it. In the days when smoking was allowed in
supermarkets. Father Abbot was standing at the end of the aisle, studying his
want list and carefully flicking his ashes into the ashtray provided when an
angry dowager stomped to within eight inches of his face. She demanded to
know how he, a man of the cloth, could indulge such a filthy habit in public.
Father Abbot thought for a moment and answered, "It helps me to mind my
own business." That was, of course, then and this is an increasingly ugly and
self righteous now. Good luck. See you on the reservation.
Dear Uncle Mike,
Why is it that people assume a) their voice is good enough to perform in
public, and b) that you want to listen to them sing while you're standing in
line at the grocery store? Short of asking them to shut up, what do you do?
D. L., Lincoln City, Oregon
Dear D.L.,
You didn't mention the option of striking their forehead with a small mallet
Uncle Mike respects your restraint. You might try handing them a dollar and
telling them you hope their career is more successful than appears likely.
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