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Dear Uncle Mike,
I'm thirteen, a girl, and I don't have a
boyfriend. I’ve never really had one, just
friends. Most of my girlfriends have one, even
if they're not the kind of person I'd be
interested in. There's this guy I like a lot, we
just know each other. He's shy too but I think
he likes me.
My friends tell me I should let him know how I feel. I've tried and I can't. Should I wait for him to
say something? I told my girlfriend I was going to write to you and she said you were probably too
old to remember being young. She was just kidding.
Lonely in Eugene
CO NTEM PO RARY
D E S IG N
F IN E ART
Dear Lonely,
Your snotty friend was right. Uncle Mike is too old to remember his youth and old enough not to
care. This is what young people are for, to remind him that life could be more exciting and less
amusing than it is. Fortunately, Uncle Mike doesn't need blissfully repressed memories to deal with
your question Courtship is a persistent ritual, older than dirt and common to insect societies. The
gender two-step hasn't changed significantly since we were marsupials; the music slows with the
years but, for better or worse, the dancing never stops.
Should you say something to your young man? This depends on two variables: what you plan
to say and whether you're able to say it without choking on your tongue or dissolving into giggles (A
counterproductive reflex that mellows with age but never goes away, and whose male version is no
prettier. In time, you'll smile about it.) Uncle Mike doesn't recommend spilling your heart, and guts,
to someone who is, at the moment, a nearly complete stranger. If he doesn't share your feelings,
everyone will laugh behind your back, you'll die of embarrassment and your life will be ruined. Just
kidding. It won't, however, be pretty.
What you need now is more information. You need to know how he feels about you and you
should surround him with opportunities to demonstrate it. Uncle Mike suggests this passive mode
not because you're a girl human but because you're a girt human engaged in a courtship dance
The steps aren't gender specific. Give the lad subtle signals and wait for a less subtle response.
Uncle Mike assumes you've been signaling already and that the object of your attentions is brighter
than a brick and senses something's afoot. Being a boy human, he won't know what it is but there'll
be time enough later for you to explain. Be attentive, interested, and mildly aloof. We're attracted
most to what we don't understand and mystery is a large component of romance. Later, it's a large
component of divorce. Welcome to the fun house. Uncle Mike wishes you much laughter.
Dear Uncle Mike,
I love my boyfriend but he does this one thing that makes me sick. He kills every insect he sees.
He goes out of his way to stomp on ants, even outside, and will chase a fly around the living room for
hours. Spiders don't last five minutes. This is not a violent man. He doesn't go hunting, doesn't eat
much meat, and would never think of hurting an animal. But 'bugs' don't count. Is there something I
can do to change him?
A bug hugger in Portland
(503) 436-2910
263 \ . Hemlock
P.O. Box 1208
Cannon Beach, OR 97
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< * * * *
•-1997?
»^SELECTED
T4UANWraM
B ig I talian T aste
I n L it t l e C a n n o n B each !
(503) 436-0333
..* *
The
\ *
Northwest Examiner
*
^
B y T he S lice or W hole P ie
Dear Bug Hugger,
There are many things you can do to change another person's behavior, most of them
hilariously ineffective. Before Uncle Mike suggests one or two, he must congratulate you on finding a
man who only does one thing that makes you sick. You're ahead of the game already This said,
what you're dealing with is a murderer. As a practitioner of unnecessary killing, your boyfriend is
demonstrating a critical ignorance of reality. Sanctity of life is not a right reserved to humans.
Contrary to what your little biopath seems to think, there aren't even chosen species. Life is life and
even broccoli has rights. Aside from eating, and then only enough, we have no authorization from
the Great Maker to kill anything. Yes, in a universe that's alive, it's not possible to 'kill' anything. But
reducing an ant, a complex life form millions of years old when our ancestors were still lemurs, to a
smear of organic chemicals by stomping on it is something that seldom occurs to those thinking
clearly.
What actions might you take to transform your friend into a responsible part of the creation?
Buy a book on insects and shame him with tales of their social skills and elaborately functional lives
Give him a National Geographic video for his birthday. Explain that, if he’d allow spiders to roam
more freely, the problem with flies and ants would largely solve itself. And that, if he persists in
murdering innocent life forms, you'll give him a taste of rolled up newspaper. As you swat the back
of his thick skull, murmur "Got him!" and smile sweetly.
expose yourself to our
reuben sandwich!
L in d a
k i n h a n
As time passes we all get better at blazing a trail
through the thicket of advice. -Margot Bennett
„
REUBEN SANOWICH
G e n e ra l
C o u n s e lin g
In d iv id u a ls
G oose H o llo w Inn
1927 SW Jefferson
228-7010
C o u p le s
&
F a m ilie s
V i c t o r H . P llJ C y ,
AAA
- L.AA.F.T.
» 3 N I IF.MLOCK » CANNON BEACH
One learns in life to keep silent and draw
one’s own confusions.
-Cornelia Otis Skinner
4 3 6 -9 2 2 5
C o n r x >n
Sometimes A Great Lotion'
WrTsLarxgfort S lo t« L»c«r«M»
» M F 2 O O O O -4 O
2 2 3 -8 1 Q 8
P o r t la n d
IN AN UNJUST W ORLD... JUSTICE.
Personal Injury Lawyer
E l it a D icano C otton B ha . s a m ?
P a n t u
GREGORY KYFOl RY
LlNOtlUt ANO 5 L B T O A R VITY1 AN IMPHAJI5 ON COTTON ANO SILK
27
A SHO E & A C C E S S O R Y B O UTIQ U E
503 436 0577
239 N HEM LO CK
202 Oregon Pioneer Building
.120 S.W. Stark Street
Portland. OR 97204
SCINTS Of PfltfUM OIL ANO CUSTOM jCINTU) MA.SSAGI Oil., BODY
LOTION, ANO BATH &
CANNON BEACH, OREGON
SHOVtfl GIL
Phone:
<505) 224-2647
iNCtNM A M ) C A N 0 II5
39 N. H ïmlocm C annon D ia c h OR
4 3 6 - 0 1 2 ^J
Taking joy in life is a woman’s
best cosmetic.
-Rosalind Russell
UFPLRLEFT LDQL AUGUST-fffî
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