Dear Unde Mike,
CH w y ft
My older sister's kid is driving the
family nuts. She’s seven and has to
be the center of attention. If I stop by
for a visit, Tiffany (yes, that's her real
name) plants herself between my
sister and I and takes over the
conversation. If that doesn't work, she
stands in front of us, tap dances and
expects applause If her mother tries
to ignore her (a real rarity), she
tugs on her clothes and all but crawls into her lap. Forget about shanng a meal. The
little subhuman treats her parents like hired help and the guests like people who've
come to watch and praise her. Yes, she's smart and has a sweet side, but it's getting
to where I don't even want to visit The rest of the family feels the same. My sis says
Tiffany's talented and precocious We think she's spoiled rotten and her folks are
headed for real trouble I don't have children and so my opinion's not worth a lot,
especially to an older sister, but we were raised to have manners and this kid's a tyrant
in tap shoes Any suggestions?
CO NTEM PO RARY
D E S I C \
F I \ E ART
(503) 436-2910
Fed Up in Portland
263 \ . Hemlock
P.O.Box 1208
Cannon Beach, OR 97110
Dear Fed Up,
Assuming the family has ruled out signing your sister up for electroshock, Uncle
Mike suggests you concentrate your energies on little Tiffany. It takes a whole village to
raise an obnoxious child and, as her elders, you owe the little whelp your wisdom about
the ways of the world. One of those ways is the relationship between adult and
apprentice humans. (Referring to her as 'subhuman' seems harsh, but then Uncle
Mike has the good fortune of not knowing her.) Pick a quiet moment when you and little
Tiffany are alone. Look her dead in the eye and explain that if children were meant to
rule the planet, the universe would have made them larger and more clever than they
are. Tell her that, although you love the time you spend together, you wish she’d spend
less time entertaining and more time playing quietly by herself. That, unlike her mother,
but like everyone else in the world, your love for her isn't even close to unconditional.
And that, if she's a good little girl and really tries to let others get a word in edgewise,
you won’t shove a sock in her mouth and duct tape her dancing feet together.
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Proprietors: Corey R. Albert & James D. Faurcntino
Dear Uncle Mike,
231 N. Hemlock, Suite F » P.Q. Box 187 , Cannon Beach, OR 97110
What are your thoughts on the McVeigh thing? Do you think the guy's being
railroaded? Guilty or innocent?
E.P., Coos Bay, Oregon
-^rfw ----- Q
''WÍMShdck^
Dear E.P.,
As in the case of O. J. Simpson, Uncle Mike doesn't know the young man, wasn't in
Oklahoma City on the day in question, and avoided, with nearly complete success, the
breathless reportage of the trial like the plague of press releases it continues to be
Never have so many imagined they knew so much about affairs that weren't their own.
As for guilt and innocence, you’ve got the wrong legal system. In court, one is either
guilty or not guilty; innocence is neither a consideration nor an acceptable plea.
Whatever happened, Uncle Mike longs for anything that will bring 'closure'; a process
indistinguishable from the old fashioned 'getting on with your life' except that it takes
much longer and is more vocal. The only bright side to the affair is that, since Mr.
McVeigh was not good at running while carrying a ball and has starred in no television
commercials, the number of civil suits will be smaller. After you strip his parents of their
retirement, what have you got?
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Dear Uncle Mike,
I will make this letter as pleasant as possible. As a practicing counselor, I'm
curious: do you honestly feel you're up to the responsibility of dispensing advice to
people you've never met? Do you have any formal training in psychology? I read your
column infrequently. Even so, there have been several occasions when I felt your
advice was more clever than therapeutic. If you were seeing me professionally, I'd
explore with you the possibility that you're overcompensating for an inability to manage
your own affairs and are merely seeking attention and ego fulfillment. Care to respond?
Or, better yet, schedule an appointment?
(fO ? )
Different Wines
From Around The World
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4 3 G -O T 2 2
Open 11 AM-5 PM - Closed Tues.
436-1100
124 N Hemlock
P.O. Box 652. Cannon Beach O R 97110
S chroeder’s L aw ; Indecision is the basis for flexib ility.
§teve's
A Mental Health Professional, Spokane
Dear Mental,
Because Uncle Mike senses in you a pressing need for order, he'll answer your
questions in the sequence they were presented. Does Uncle Mike feel up to giving
advice to strangers? You bet. Ann Landers and Dear Abby get away with it and they're
writing from another century. Does Uncle Mike have any formal training in psychology?
Absolutely not. He studied literature, a field in which abnormality is encouraged rather
than medicated. Uncle Mike also studied psychology majors and found them
alarmingly odd. Uncle Mike is happy to hear you read his column infrequently and
would recommend, professionally, that you cut back even further. As a replacement,
explore the Sunday funnies and, in severe cases, cartoons in the New Yorker. Uncle
Mike is delighted that you found some of his advice more clever than therapeutic.
Increasing your dosage will make much of this go away. Your theory about
overcompensation, personal inadequacy, and a starved ego yearning to be listened to
is, in Uncle Mike's professional opinion, a real dandy and he plans to give it all the
thought it deserves. He regrets not being able to schedule an appointment with you.
He's afraid it might be more therapeutic than clever. Have a normal day.
S p e c i a l i z i n g in :
Environmentally ¿friendly
Window Cleaning
Steve CaMontagrie
<P.O. tiox 009
Cannon Reach. OR. 97110
(503) 4 3 6 - 0 9 4 2
G e n e ra l
C o u n s e lin g
In d iv id u a ls
C o u p le s
&
V ic to r
F a m i li e s
H .
P lu C y ,
ZVX.A - L A A .F T .
O aks’ Principles of Lawmaking; I . Law expands in
proportion to the resources available o f its enforcer ent.
2. Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed.
3. Social legislation cannot repeal physical laws.
4 3 6 -9 2 2 5
C a nnon
Sometimes A Great Lotion
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“ AAF 2OOOO-4O
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E l it a B rand C otto n B ras and
P ant «
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Learning how to interpret your dreams
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Amelia Jo Sahentara, M.A.
(503)368-4684
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i m u n [Mll-ffl? ?