Dear Uncle Mike,
My little brother moved into town a
few months ago so my wife and I
agreed between us to offer him a place
to stay while he got settled in. He's 29
and I'm 34, he's making a transition
between banking and a stock
brokerage He's a good house guest,
my wife likes him, and I love him like a
brother.
Now I remember he can be a little cheap. He got on with a brokerage two months ago
making a thousand a month plus commissions. Not a lot of money. But that was two
months ago and he's not mentioning moving out. I think it’s about time but my wife gets
all maternal and says we should let him build up his cash a little before throwing him to
the wolves If this were your brother, what would you do?
D E S I C \
F IX E
Ed in Portland, Oregon
ART
(503) 436-2910
261 X. Hemlock
P.O. Box 1208
Cannon Beach, OR 97110
Dear Ed,
Uncle Mike would put him up for adoption. You say his visit has reminded you that
your brother can be a little cheap. You make no mention of his paying rent or buying
groceries. If not, he's a usurious tightwad. Regardless, he's an insensitive lout who’s
stretched the social envelope about far enough. As his older brother, you must help
him learn the lesson called 'no fair sponging'. Help the lad pack, tell him you're always
good for a loan, and express eagerness to have dinner at his new apartment.
Dear Uncle Mike,
The other night, my boyfriend and I went to what’s supposed to be the best
restaurant in town. It was sure as hell expensive enough. And very nice really.
Midway through the meal, I looked over and this woman at the next table is eating her
asparagus with her fingers. I almost choked on my wine. Nobody else seemed to
notice except my boyfriend who couldn't believe it either. We're country bumpkins,
right? This is legal, cuisine-wise?
C h ris te n
A lls o p
I would rather have my ignorance than
another man’s knowledge, because I
have got so much more of it
-Mark Twain
(A & F Enterprise«, In c )
Lisa O., Seattle, Washington
L in d a
k i n h a n
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¿OFTD r in KS
B y T he S lice or W hole P ie
Dear Lisa,
B ig I talian T aste
I n L it t l e C a n n o n B eac h !
(503) 436-0333
Uncle Mike is wonderfully amused by your assumption he knows anything of the
rules of fine dining, or as it's called on his block, haute eating. To Uncle Mike, the right
fork is the one big enough to hold down his cheese burger. He does, however, have
friends who collect and store bits of etiquette to use whenever they're feeling superior.
Proprietors: Corey R. Albert & Junes D. Faurentino
231 N. Hemlock, Suite F . P.O. Box 187 »Cannon Beach, OR 97110
Your question gave Uncle Mike a reason to speak to them. He was surprised and
delighted to hear that asparagus is one of those foods which, like chicken legs, has
been given the nod by the unseen masters of complicated eating. One must, of
course, resist the urge to dangle and wave it while speaking.
ESPRESSO
BEAN
Dear Uncle Mike,
Lately I've heard that obesity is a genetically determined imbalance. Does this
make it a disease? It sure seems there are a lot of overweight people out there A
change in the gene pool?
W c prowtdsf b re w
STAR BVC KS COFFEE
FRESH PASTRIES
Slim, San Francisco
o
OPEN DAILY
Dear Slim,
o
Uncle Mike has no doubt that a metabolic tendency to heaviness can be an
inherited trait. The term disease would, however, be no more appropriate than it is
when applied to those who biochemically lean toward strong drink. We all have
crosses to bear, the idea being to bear them. Your observation about an increase in
corpulence among the citizens matches Uncle Mike's. Rather than a sudden evolution
in the gene pool, Uncle Mike suspects a rise in overeating and boredom coupled with a
surge in indolence and sloth. When you eat more than you need to and don't do
diddley squat, you pork out. End of story. In closely related news, a person watching
television burns fewer calories than a person doing absolutely nothing. Small surprise,
researchers recently found a correlation between the amount of television a child
watches and their belt size. Uncle Mike would bet his remote control the same holds
true for adults That overweight runs in families doesn't necessarily make it a genetic
trait It could be nothing more than dysfunction and child abuse. Since obesity is a
leading cause of heart disease, a case could be made that over eaters are, aside from
self indulgent, a drain on the health care system and an inflationary factor in insurance
rates Being a devout smoker, Uncle Mike would never suggest we hunt them down
with pitchforks and deny them access to public areas.
H A Y S TA C K SQVARE
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F a m ilie s
Creation myths are not about the origins
of the world at all, but about the origins
of patriarchy which has claimed itself as
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-Jane Caputi
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