B t x c o e 1C OS)
ARIES (21 Mar-20 April) Ah, Spring' The
fancy turns to falling in love and making a little
money Opportunities for idiot mistakes are, as
always, there for the taking Love in the
workplace can be especially suicidal but love in
general is likely to be more bruising than lyrical
Just don't imitate a deer in the headlights
Neither should leap for new plans like a hungry
trout Put substance into your work and your
work has substance It's just life
TAURUS (21 April-20 May) The game is afoot
Stirrings of change, portents of promise, whispers
of love The workplace grows fluid, an unsettled
state could yield to increase, both in creative
elbow room and pesos Which almost makes the
loneliness bearable Your insatiable lust for
closeness is feeling thwarted Be sure your doors
are all open and your emotional crap detector is
set on high The heart has its own blindnesses
GEMINI (21 May-20 June) The sap is seriously
rising now Oddly enough, the trouble quotient is
small The idiot monkey of the mind, yours, is
coloring inside the lines instead of flinging bits of
whatnot at the canvas The bubble of your social
life expands and increases, nearly maximizes, the
probabilities for romance Don't discount slow
beginnings or faces from the past Conform the
effect you have on people with the one you
actually have
CANCER (21 June-22 July) Allurements,
temptations, and half-flowerings Practice clear
eyed attention to detail, avoid borrowing and
lending, keep your wits about you in love Under
no circumstances, deepen a relationship at the
office Or go ahead, if you w ant to see what ugly
looks like when it explodes All in all, a dandy
month to stay aloof, not step on toes, and not
stick your fingers into blenders Think twice
before saying anything
LEO (23 July-22 August) A lovely month filled
with tumult, introspection, and the urge to get
away The questions are always, from what and
to what? A business trip with pleasurable
overtones would be nice The tumult and
introspection arise from your love life Levels of
engagement, paths o f least resistance, and not
making bonehead mistakes Separate wants into
one pile, needs into another The winds of
creation do the rest
VIRGO (23 August-22 Sept) People to see,
places to go, lessons to learn Much of your
aw areness is centered south of the navel Or, in
more poetic terms, in the wild forests of the
heart A love/hate relationship with love may
develop as you serenade under wrong balconies
and are entertained by the unentertaining Step
back, look at the forest, apply foresight to your
work Loan nothing to people who might
mistake it for a uift
Dear Uncle Mike,
I'm 24, my girlfriend is 22,
we moved in together five
months ago. She's really great
and I love her a lot, we do all
sorts of things together and we
have a good sex life I probably
don’t have a problem but here it
is anyway It's getting a little
same-old same-old. We get up,
we eat breakfast, we work, we
eat dinner, we go out, we stay home, we go to bed
None of it's bad but it's routine, sometimes it's
boring. I think she feels the same but she doesn't
say anything Actually, neither do I. I knew living
together wouldn't be all skyrockets but I'm
beginning to wonder if our chemistry is right.
Maybe if we were with other people, it would be
different Maybe we're just in a slump. Who
cares? I probably won't mail this anyway.
Don’t Use My Name, Reno
Dear Don’t,
Uncle Mike sympathizes with you. Not very
much, but at least enough to take time from his
jigsaw puzzle to slap some sense into you. He'll
begin by congratulating you on your recent
discovery of real life. Waking up, eating, working,
playing, and going to sleep. That's it, cupcake
And it's much more than enough Given
moderation in all things, there's nothing wrong with
routine The daily ritual is a foundation that was old
when our ancestors were discovering the use of
the stick to open clams The alternative to order is
chaos, more exciting than routine, but most times
less fun.
You wonder if the chemistry between you and
your friend is right. Interesting word, 'right'. If you
haven't begun to hate each other by now, you can
assume the chemistry isn't 'wrong' It's just more
familiar and, while familianty needn’t breed
contempt, it often breeds complacence 'Love' and
'life' aren't nouns, they're verbs, and anything not
z
UffER LEFT Et>« «'-APRIL W ?
LIBRA ( 23 Sept-22 Oct) Call this month, the
attack of the naughty bits Expect to fall in love,
or some facsimile o f it, every half hour or so If
you're with someone, they'll have no complaints
of being ignored, or even lefi alone If you're
not. the streets will barely be safe for the
innocent Vow to play nice and take time to
splash cold water on your face All things
creative flow at full spurt Go with it You'll be
on the mark more often than not
SCORPIO (23 Oct-22 Nov) A month that
should satisfy’ your lust for challenge Chaos
and diverging vectors at work This isn't
necessarily bad and, given the wisdom of
Solomon and the patience o f Job, a person
can hob to the surface still breathing So too
w ith your emotional life You and your
partner behave like beach balls connected by
a rubber band At least the bumping is fun
In between, try not to be stupid about
money
SAGITTARIUS (23 Nov-21 Dec) Not a month
for naps Peace of any sort w ill be a rare
commodity, which only means matters need to be
brought into balance Everywhere, it seems, and
all at once Stop snivelling, you're up for it Just
don't fall in love with someone who's motives are
those of a vacuum cleaner Or get hopelessly
distracted with power struggles Or forget the
difference between pleasure and excitement
Simple stuff
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When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.
C APRICORN (22 Dec-19 Jan) Spring, you'll
soon be reminded, is an unsettled time Coming
to be, preceded and accompanied by chaos The
world is not what it was yesterday, neither are
you Your most stupid act will be to persist in
outmoded behaviors, hanging on to what's not
yours anymore, and continuing to believe the
myth of ownership The antidote to all of this is
gay abandon and you should embrace it at every
opportunity
AQUARIUS (20 Jan-18 Eeb) It's lucky you
don't like to sit around Even by your standards,
a busy month In your work, you step back and
remember what it is you bring to the party
Success follows appropriate action So also in
affairs of the heart Love, as you know , is a verb
A simple matter o f being and doing In quantum
terms, we’re verbs looking for an object
Circulate freely and learn all you can
Remembering not to believe all you hear
PISCES (19 Feb-20 March) Lunacy is madness
that works and your magic is strong Not
bulletproof, but close Memories appear and
mysteries unravel, pearls turn out to be pebbles,
pebbles turn out to be pearls Indulge your urge
to spend like a drunken sailor but be sure you
know what you're buying There are many things
too good to be true Feel the ripples and practice
harmony And run like the devil from
meaninglessness
busy being born is busy dying. The truth couldn't
be simpler. Every day is a day the universe has
never experienced before. It and everything in it is
creating itself as we speak Uncle Mike wonders
which part of this you find boring. Neither you nor
your friend are the same people you were
yesterday And even if you were, it would still take
you the next half of forever to get to the bottom of
each other In all his years of looking, Uncle Mike
hasn't turned up anything more interesting than
another human, unless it's poker
You wonder if your lives would be better if you
were with other partners Uncle Mike hasn't the
foggiest notion. You can only count on it being
different. As a musician friend once said of a
band's breaking up so everyone could look for a
better band. "The best band is the band you're in,
two years from now " If you love each other, the
best relationship is the one you're in, fifty years
from now
brace of wolfhounds. Those barely restraining pit
bulls within twenty yards of another living thing
should be mauled and bitten by village elders
Should dogs be allowed on the footpath? Yes. It's
their owners Uncle Mike would ban were he king
Contrary to the smug certainty on their faces,
narrow concrete paths crowded with strange
smelling humans and temptations for misadventure
aren't the sort of venues dogs naturally seek out.
They're like children brought to the beach so their
parents can shop Uncle Mike would also ban
those parents
Dear Uncle Mike,
My husband and I read your column and we're
curious what you think about the recent cult
suicides? I think it's not tragedy because they
acted according to their beliefs. My husband thinks
the leader was a whacko who persuaded a lot of
innocent, not very bright people to kill themselves.
Maybe you're sick of thinking about the subject, but
we'd really be interested in your thoughts.
Joan and Roger S., Portland
Dear Joan and Roger,
Dear Uncle Mike,
What's up with everyone and their dogs?
It's like suddenly everybody has something
large on a leash they're walking down the
sidewalk while I'm trying to do my shopping or
have a danish and coffee I like dogs, I just
don't see why people have to walk them in
places where the sidewalks are already
crowded I see old people all the time get
nervous when a dog sniffs them, little kids get
scared, the dogs get into fights, and whatnot
Shouldn't there be a law? Maybe I should just
move to quieter neighborhood
Alec, Portland
Dear Alec,
Uncle Mike is glad you got this off your chest.
Should you move to a quieter neighborhood? We
all should, pal But we're where we are and that's
that People walk their dogs on Uncle Mike's
sidewalks too Uncle Mike separates them into two
categories those whose dog is their friend and
boon companion and those whose dog is part of
their new lifestyle Unless their family has ancestral
lands, Uncle Mike distrusts anyone with a matching
Uncle Mike isn't at all sick of thinking about
recent bizarre events in, of all places, southern
California. Having given it so little thought thus far,
he still feels fresh. Strictly speaking, and we really
must, tragedy occurs when the great and noble are
brought low by a character flaw You're probably
right to rule it out in this case Uncle Mike has no
quarrel with your husband's use of the term
'whacko'. Encouraging spiritual flowering to
another plane is one thing, encouraging sexual
mutilation as a guarantee of abstinence is another.
Since Uncle Mike didn't know a one of them, he
has no idea how innocent or bright they were He’d
personally have difficulty getting behind the notion
that a flying saucer was coming for he and his
friends in the tail of a comet But then, he has
difficulty believing Bill Gates is here to help us
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