Dear Uncle Mike,
Enclosed is an article I
received in the mail from (name
withheld to prevent nondivine
retribution). This born-again
Chnstian lives about six blocks
from me, but I have never met
him. He sends me letters from
time to time trying to convert me
to Christianity, but I'm a heathen
that does not believe the Bible
is the word of God.
The article headed "World Events and Bible Prophecy" says that scientists have
discovered the actual location of Hell which is nine miles below the earth I think it is
hog-wash, but I would like to have your expert opinion. I fully understand if you do not
wish to reply to such a stupid article, but with you sense of humor and knowledge you
just might want to
I read your reply to a person that wanted to know about death, and I think it was
magnificent I look forward to your monthly column and the Upper Left Edge
Best regards from an old freethinker.
Sometimes A Great Lotion^
E lit a D hand C otton B has
and
P a NT»5
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9 N. HtM.ovr C annon BtAUi OR
J.C. Sammons, Portland
Pamela Truzinski
Dear J.C.,
Certified M idwife
L.D.E.M., LM.T.
Uncle Mike is pleased that you look forward to his column and the Upper Left Edge,
the only non-newspaper in the nation with the taste and lack of forethought to publish it.
As soon as Uncle Mike finishes answering your letter, he plans to rummage through the
back issues looking for signs of magnificence. He's pretty darned excited.
As for the discovery of hell, Uncle Mike must, even in the face of the startling new
evidence you've sent along, suspend his judgment. This isn't to say he doesn t value
scientific bulletins from The End Times and Victorious Living. He does, if only for the
incredible leaps of faith they encourage. In the their own way, they're inspiring
According to the report, a group of reported scientists were, for reasons not
reported, drilling a nine mile deep hole in "remote Siberia". At an undisclosed depth, the
drill bit "started to spin madly." The scientists took this as proof that the Earth is hollow.
The report says they were "dumbfounded". Uncle Mike fears it may have been worse
than that It certainly got no better when they measured the temperature and found it to
be 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit (1,100 Celsius), much more than they expected. Echoing
the understanding of many high school graduates: "It seems almost like an inferno of
fire is brutally going on in the center of the earth." 'Brutal' is a scientific term too sticky to
get into.
So there they are, in "remote Siberia", with a wildly spinning drill bit and a fiery
inferno from the pages of a geology textbook. Saints preserve us. Pushing their luck,
the scientists lowered a microphone into the hole to listen for earth movements, a
phenomenon of which they were miraculously aware. "What we heard turned those
logically thinking scientists into a trembling ruins." No, not a paradigm shift. "We heard
a human voice, screaming in pain. Even though one voice was discernible, we could
hear thousands, perhaps millions, in the background, of suffering souls screaming." To
their credit, it's reported that: "We could hardly believe our own ears." Sadly, they seem
to have managed "After the terrible discovery, half of the scientists have quit because
of their fear." Of enduring another day in remote Siberia?
No Having heard "screams of condemned souls" coming from "the world's deepest
hole", the scientists "are afraid that they have released the evil powers of hell to the
surface of the earth." As well they should.
Aside from being a heady spiritual responsibility, it would also be a subject of intense
interest to someone's insurance company. On the bright side, it would be grounds for
winning the first, and last, Nobel Prize for metaphysics.
Like you, Uncle Mike considers himself a freethinker and, in a strictly Pythagorean
sense, a heathen. All things are possible, some of them are just infinitely less possible
than others. If, as The End Times and Victorious Living deduces from the evidence,
"Hell is No Joke!": and if Uncle Mike is perched on the slippery edge of a fiery pit opened
by some hapless nitwits in remote Siberia, so be it. There is a silver lining. As Uncle
Mike's learned editor, Reverend Billy Bob points out: If the Earth is round, we’re always
nine miles from hell. If you live in Cannon Beach, Seaside is two miles closer And
there are bumper cars.
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