Dear Uncle Mike,
My girtfnend and I think you're really cool We're
sixteen and we want to know why okay guys hang
out with slutty girls I mean, is it just se*7 Don't
guys have to like the girl? Are guys really that
dumb? Do they get smarter when they get older or
are they just less obvious about it?
s
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Sometimes A Great L o tio n '
E l it a B rand C otton B ra *
Two fans, Lincoln City
aw
P anto
Dear Fans,
LlNGtRIt AND JL tlP V tA R V IT H AN tMPHAJIJ ON COTTON A N ) SILK
St 7
Uncle Mike would first like to say how much your letter brightened his day Whenever
people who've never met Uncle Mike, let alone wintered in a small cabin with him, write
to say he's really cool, it always makes Uncle Mike smile, and then bury his face in his
hands.
4
,
You ask why okay guys hang out with slutty girls. Let s define our terms. By
ay
guys', Uncle Mike guesses you mean adolescent males who are able to curb their
unbridled lust at least part of the time, know how to use a fork, and are able to form
complete sentences By 'slutty girls', he assumes you mean adolescent females who
use their sexuality to achieve personal and social goals, laugh too loudly, and pop t eir
gum
What draws these people together? There isn't a force in the universe strong
enough to keep them apart. Unless we count self awareness and restraint, which we
can't Is it just sex that draws the males into the candle flame of merciless truth Yes
and no Young males, and not a few older ones, tend to fall in love, at least bnefly with
any female willing to have sex with them Strange, but there it is. Is what they ee ove
Maybe maybe not The toxic levels of testosterone sloshing through the systems of the
most okay of young guys can blur the subtle distinctions between naked lust and a
burning desire to pair bond
Can guys really be that dumb? You bet But then, it depends on what you mean by
dumb Uncle Mike is more than seven in dog years and has yet to witness, let alone
experience, a meaningless relationship Or, for that matter, a meaningless act Were
all just out here trying to figure out what it means to be human. One of life s less funny
truths is that we learn more from our failure than our successes and some lessons are
best learned while you're still young enough to bounce back The first rule of the
playground is that we all try to play nice With luck, and our good wishes, the okay guys
and slutty girls may teach each other something about love. Do guys get smarter as
they get older? Some do, some don't. And the ones who do aren't always easier to
train. When someone says there's no fool like an old fool, they're probably not talking
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about a woman.
Dear Uncle Mike.
Valoree Gift,
I read somewhere they've found out some of the stars are older than the universe.
l m . t .
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Dear Confused,
In nontechnical terms, it means someone figured wrong.
Dear Uncle Mike,
I'm writing about a buddy of mine He's in his late thirties and his life's a mess. He
hates his job, he drinks too much, he's depressed. Like the rest of us, he's had his
share of troubles but it's like he's forgotten how to have fun. The worst part is that he
doesn't think he can change anything. The guy's got a lot going for him and keep trying
to cheer him up Nothing seems to be working Any advice?
P.O. Box 201
179 Coolidge
Cannon Beach, OR 97110
The original
comfort shoe.
James S., Portland
Arizona
Dear Jim Bob,
Your friend's problem is spintual What you're describing is someone who's lost their
faith. There's a lot of it going around. Uncle Mike’s first suggestion would be for him to
stop drinking Strong drink, as someone pointed out, makes fools of men and robs them
of their will. These are alcohol's great charms and, in all fairness, the results aren t
always bad Uncle Mike has had many moments of harmless epiphany celebrating
nothing in particular with epic quantities of sour mash. But he eventually learned not to
drink when the blackness was on him He kept waking up with very bad poetry,
friend is waking up with a bad novel.
Tell him for Uncle Mike that he's behaving like a nincompoop On exactly what
principle of the universe does he base his professed inability to change things^
Deciding not to change things changes things. It has. for instance made(his i e an
unholy mess that's involving people who love him. Try pointing out the obvious
matter how rotten his day's been, it's over. In all of creation, nothing s moreuJead1 tha
vesterday and forcing yourself to live there, pouring over spilt milk, is not the act of a
rational person. Remind your friend that the sun will rise tomorrow on a day no one s
ever seen. Ask him where he gets off saying it's ugly before it's born.
Which brings us back to faith, without which the human comedy becomes a bad soap
ooera How does your friend get it back? If nothing else, by pretending he never lost it.
Act as if you have faith in something larger than your definition of yourself and faith, as
one of the Carpenter from Galilee's scribes put it, will be granted to you It doesn t
matter who or what does the granting Uncle Mike is no more Christian than he is
Buddhist, and no more Buddhist than he is Quantum Cabahst, and none of them more
than a Probabilistic Pantheist with strong Pythagorean leanings He does know good
advice when he hears it. Uncle Mike has seen no evidence refuting the notion that the
world is the spirit made flesh. Or that, in terms of the world, we are what we do and our
lives are the merciless reflection of it. If they're a mess, it s no accident Since Uncle
Mike has a hard time believing we're sinners in the hands of an angry God when his life
unravels he automatically suspects it's the result of something he's either done or not
done And darned if that's not always the case.
If your friend's been wallowing in self pity very long, and you should assure him hat s
just what it is, it may be time to play hardball. Remind him that
himself and the people who love him to be the best human being he can. The nice thing
about a sphencal universe is that, no matter where you are, you can get where you want
to qo We all do it one step at a time When the going gets really tough. Uncle Mike
starts wondering if the mess he's made of things isn't really beyond him this time, he falls
back on one of life's noble truths laughter is the purest form of revolution.
No business which depends for existence by paying
less than living wages to its workers has any right
to continue in this country.
F. Roosevelt
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P.O. Box 193
Cannon Beach, OR
97110
436-1911
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P.O. BOX 192
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503*436*0211
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