Dear Uncle Mike,
I just moved into my boyfriend's house and
already we've got problems I'm not Miss
Popularity or anything, but I've got a lot of fnends
and they like to stop by. They don't always call first
and this drives him crazy He's more reclusive than
me and he says he feels like he has no pnvacy,
that he never knows who's going to knock on the
door I feel like I'm being separated from my
friends who I think should be able to visit whenever
they want to. Am I being unreasonable or is he?
i
u
Sometimes A G reat Lotion
E l it a D icano C otton D k a i
ano
P antw
L incimi
Feeling Isolated in Beaverton
ano su ipviah with an im p u a íií on cotton a h i ml »
517 5CINTS Of P U fU M OIL ANO CUSTOM SCINTI!) MASSAC! O C , BODY
LOTION, ANO BATH &
Dear Isolated,
I ncinsi
First off, let Uncle Mike say that living in Beaverton is, by itself, enough to make
the normal feel isolated If the friends you're talking about live there by choice, you may
be better off alone This said, we press on. Uncle Mike doesn't see your little piece of
the human comedy as an either/or proposition. You're both behaving as if you lived
alone, which may be an arrangement you should, as a couple, re-explore.
Let's begin by attacking you. Uncle Mike shares your boyfriend's feelings for
people who 'drop by'. Right after gravity and the velocity of light, the first rule in Uncle
Mike's universe is that we all call first. This is partly explained by Uncle Mike's being a
devout hermit and partly by his having manners. On those rare occasions he thinks it
would be nice to see old so and so, it would never occur to him that his restless urge to
visit was synchronized with his victim s unspoken urge to entertain.
Unlike you, Uncle Mike doesn't have lots of friends. Uncle Mike has very few
fnends He does have lots of acquaintances, many of them warm ones and is, as a rule,
delighted when they call and leave a message on his machine. If Uncle Mike loves
them a great deal or they owe him money, and if he feels like dealing with another
human being for any reason short of preserving life, he picks up the phone. If he .
doesn't he assumes they'll assume he's not, as the houseboy would say, 'at home^
Not even Uncle Mike's blood relations drop by unannounced. They stopped when he
began greeting unexpected visitors in the nude, a practice Uncle Mike has found
wonderfully effective in winnowing lightweights from his social network. If you and he
moved in together, only one of you would come out in the spring.
Now on to your jerk boyfriend. Uncle Mike can only assume he knew your
friends were a pack of mannerless louts before you began your little misadventure in
cohabitation. This can only mean he expected the pleasure of his company would be
enouqh for you, and that your domestic union would trigger a magical change in your
social habits. On Uncle Mike's block, this makes him a drooling nitwit. Another of Uncle
Mike's many first rules is that everyone gets to be who they are. Explain to him in very
small words that, if living with him means giving up the rest of your human contacts,
vou'd be happy to call him from your new place before you drop by.
.
.
Make no mistake Uncle Mike has great respect for the sacred institution of living
together He hopes with all his heart that, before the two of you bail on a situation from
which you're both going to learn so much, you sit down together and look up
compromise' in your Funk & Wagnall's Uncle Mike did and was forced to reject the
notion. He has since spent many happy years single-habiting out of love for the hapless
women who, from time to time, wander through his life with lanterns, looking for just one
SHOW! K O IL
ano canolis
4 3 6 —I 0 I& 9 J
^ 3 9 N. H imlock C annon ßtAO, OR
Cannon Beach
Athletic Club
171 Sunset Blvd.
Let CBAC be your Athletic Club
away from home.
Come visit our exiting new facility.
K
CBAC Offers:
* Free Weights
•Aerobic Classes
•Bikes
• Treadmills
* Shower Facilities
‘ Tanning
• Rowing Machine
• Climbers
Drop in rates available
503-436-1515
Valoree Gift,
l m . t .
Licensed Massage Therapy
/Ç ) \
I '"'Ç
! i
G)
man who measures up.
PO Box 872
Cannon Beach, OR 97110
Pager # 738-4438
Phone # 436-0148
Christina Stanley RN, 1BCLC
I
Lactation Consultant
Breast Feeding Assistance
Medela Breast Pump
Rental Station
Dear Uncle Mike.
P.O. Box 201
179 Coolidge
C annon Beach, OR 97110
Do you think computers are going to take over the world?
Don C., Portland
Dear Don.
No, Uncle Mike thinks it's much worse than that. The world will be taken over by
computer generated humans who imagine that virtual reality is the same as being there,
that life can be programmed, and that the human expenence is something that can be
downloaded late This is the error called, mistaking the tool for the work. In a history
peppered with bouts of fuzzy thinking, this one promises to be a real pip.
Opportunities are usually disguised
by hard work, so most people don t
recognize them.
Ann Landers
(503)436-0161
The original
comfort shoe.
Arizona
Dear Uncle Mike,
I'm thirteen. My father won't let me listen to rap music. Do you think this is fair?
BIRKENSTOCK.
Anonymous, Cannon Beach
Dear Anonymous,
Of course not. But then, it doesn't have to be. Putting things bluntly, your
father's your father and that's that Uncle Mike recommends you give the man some
credit He may be more than a clueless antique sent by a universe that hates you for
the sole purpose of ruining your life. There's a chance your father actually loves you and
doesn't want you growing up on diet of misogeny (look it up), a capella votenc», and
self-righteous nihilism masquerading as the art of social protest PersonaHy, Uncle Mike
would gnaw off his own ears before listening to newly nch, recently paroled sociopaths
snarling personal blank verse Of course, he feels the same way about Kenny G.
Everybody's a critic.
________
...
—
NOW OPEN AT THEIR NEW LOCATION
hti
fttten ^hitai^er-Tjnridi, M / T
A Birkenstoek Specialty Store
139 N Hemlock
P O Box 909
Cannon Beach. OR 97110
C O M PU TE R C O N SU L TIN G
o
PC’s
S p ec ia lty B ak ery
B reada - P a str ie s
D rsaerta - E sp resao
E m m a W hite B uild in g
1064 H e m lo c k • M id tow n C a n n o n B each
I
i
B irk e n s to e k B
CHETH ROWE CONSULTING
P.O . BOX 192
C A N N O N B E A C H , O R 97110
503*436*0211
C IS : 70754.2423
Network»
& W Advice
W W ru n
«W P» J r ”
Acupuncture — Chinese Herbs — Massage
MA Psychology, Ph D History
Counseling: Alcohol. Drug. &
Whether women are better than men I cannot say
but I can say they are certainly no worse.
Golda Meir
Bob Rice L.Ac.
Relationship Problems
F irst V isit Free
llC C M S E D AA A S S A O t THERAPY
R O S A L IN D C U S A C K , LAAT
T h u rsd ays In C a n n o n B ea ch
OREOOM A W ASHN O TO N
(5 0 3 ) 2 2 4 - 3 9 7 2
P O B O X 12 2 a
C A N T s lO M B E A C H O R <27110
P.O. Box 193 ä
Cannon Beach, OR
97110
436-1911
•aSTCa.
(5 0 3 ) 4 3 Ô -2 4 2 5
a.
lfPPFR LETT EDGE W AT
Wt>