Dear Uncle Mike,
Perhaps your readers, who seem to mistake you
for a lantern of rationality, would be interested in
hearing why you don’t eat shrimp or crab. You’re as
neurotic and dysfunctional as the rest of us, you big
phony.
A Friend in Cannon Beach
.
,
A
Sometimes A Great Lotion
Dear Acquaintance,
Uncle Mike has never denied being neurotic and dysfunctional. Anyone who can be paralyzed
by the sight of mayonnaise can lay few claims on normalcy. He can certainly relate to your scorn.
It shocks him as much as you that people, many ol them adults, not only ask his advice but listen
without laughing. To think they might act on it only makes Uncle Mike more wary when moving
among them. Still, as grandma said when we loaded her into the van, life’s what it is and a
person’s got to make the best of it. Since, for reasons Uncle Mike is happy not to know, you
confuse his affairs for your own, you’re probably aware his avoidance of shell fish (ha, there s a
joke) is a recently acquired distaste. For most of his life, a life riddled with questionable habits,
Uncle Mike ate crab and shrimp, at times with abandon. He stopped eating them ten years ago,
along with lobster and crayfish, the moment he realized what they are.
‘Shell fish’, for anyone with eyes to see and the brains God gave a shell lish, are underwater
insects. In a word, bugs. Aberrant behavior can be fun, heaven knows, but Uncle Mike draws
the line at eating bugs. In terms of what Uncle Mike would eat out of desperation, large
underwater insects come several clicks after bark. Call it silly, but a man must stand for
something. Uncle Mike stands for never putting anything that ugly into your mouth.
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Dear Uncle Mike,
My question today is this: Why don’t children these days s a y ‘thank you ? For a while I
thought my irritation with this was mostly my overdeveloped need for appreciation, but as time
goes by, I am becoming more discouraged daily. There are many children in my life, my own, my
nieces, nephews, and friends, etc. In the past several years I’ve only received two written thank
you’s from a young person after hosting them at my house or giving a gift. Rarely do I hear, Can
I help with dinner?” or ‘Thanks for the great meal.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard, “Now what can
I do for you?” This is turning me into a Scrooge. Whose problem are we talking about, mine or
the kids’ ?
Unappreciated on the North Coast
All power to the imagination!
French Student Slogan
DONALD THOM
P.O. BOX 773
CANNON BEACH OR 97110
436*1114
North west by Northwest Gallery
Dear Unappreciated,
Perhaps the greatest political wisdom is that we get the government we deserve. The same can
be said for children. It takes a whole village to raise a rude and thoughtless child. What’s to be
done about it? A revival of good parenting pops to mind. Like you, Uncle Mike was taught to say
please, thank you, and excuse me. Like you, he learned that work is shared and help is always
offered. Like you, he was encouraged to think of others at least part of the time. Like you, Uncle
Mike often feels like a dinosaur. Somewhere between Dr. Spock, primal therapy, and EST, the
American village, and most of the parents in it, embraced the nitwit notion that teaching manners to
children is a subtle form of social oppression that stunts their will to be. Or not be, or whatever.
Uncle Mike feels what manners stunt is the child’s will to be a pint sized barbarian. Without what
used to be called social graces, there is no civilization. There is only a lifestyle, and a boorish one
at that. Because parents are busy looking for themselves and pursuing the sort of fulfillment only
time saving devices and the home shopping network can bring, they scarcely have the energy to
say please and thank you themselves. The village has, by default, subcontracted the socialization
of apprentice humans to television. History will view this as a nasty mistake. There are no
manners on popular television, there are only motives. You ask whose problem this is. Uncle
Mike would suppose anyone who notices there’s a problem. Certainly, parents are intimately
responsible for the social behavior of their children. Imitation is the most sincere form of
childhood and one of the most charming, and frightening, things about children is the way they
mirror their environment, all of it. The adults of the village must, one by one, accept that being an
adult implies a responsibility to all children. Part of that responsibility lies in teaching the little
whelps some manners. In his dealings with children, Uncle Mike gives respect and courtesy and
insists it be returned. When it’s not, he assumes his role as village elder and delivers a gentle but
firm teaching, called Little Dog, Big Dog. Unless, of course, the child is over eleven and could be
packing a gun.
2 3 9 N o r th H e m lo c k
C a n n o n B e ac h
O re g o n 9 7 1 1 0
P .O . B o x 1 0 21
5 0 3 /4 3 6 - 0 7 4 1
J O Y C E L IN C O L N , D ire c to r
Pacific Northwest Contemporary Art <& Craft
Celebrating 5th Year in Cannon Beach
C N m o n
DGNCM
m N S S N Q C
L IC E N S E D M A S S A G E T H E R A P Y
R O S A L IN D C U S A C K , LMT
O R E G O N 4 W A S H IN G T O N
P O
B O X 1224
C A N N O N BEACH. O R 97110
(5 0 3 ) 4 3 5 - 2 4 2 5
In truth, there is no theory which is not
a fragment, and a carefully prepared
fragment, of an autobiography.
Paul Valery
Acupuncture — Chinese Herbs — Massage
CANNON BEACH LIBRARY
131 North Hemlock
P.O Box 486
Cannon Beach, OR 97110
Bob Rice L.Ac.
Ou ncrf and operated by the Library
P.O. Box 193
Cannon Beach, OR
97110
and Woman’s Club o f Cannon Beach
436-1911
Christina Stanley RN, IBCLC
And I am awaiting perpetually and
forever a renaissance of wonder.
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Lactation Consultant
Breast Feeding Assistance
Medela Breast Pump
Rental Station
Aden Mfutafa-Trnrich, M / T
MA Psychology.
Ph
D H istory
P.O. Box 201
179 Coolidge
Cannon Beach, OR 97110
(5 0 3 )4 3 6 -0 1 6 1
Counseling: Alcohol, Drug. &
Relationship Problems
F ir st V is it F re e
T h u rsd a y s in C a n n o n B each
Cannon Beach
Athletic Club
(503) 2 2 4 -3 9 7 2
171 Sunset Blvd.
Let CBAC be your Athletic Club
away from home.
Freedom of speech is the right to cry
“theater” in a crowded fire.
Abbie Hoffman
P
C q
Q.
Come visit our exiting new facility.
CBAC Offers:
• Free Weights
• Aerobic Classes
«Bikes
* Treadmills
Cookies • Cinnamon Rolls
• Muffins • Espresso •
Pizza by the Slice
5
* Shower Facilities
• Tinning
• Rowing Machine
* Climbers
Drop in rotes available
Cheri Lerma
239 N. Hemlock
P.O. Box 825
Cannon Beach, OR 97110
(503)436-1129
at
503-436-1515
UPPER. LCfT EÙCE MARCH M b
9
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