What is madness but nobility of spirit at odds
with circumstance?
Ted Roethke
S u san M itch ell R .N ., Licensed A c u p u n c tu rist
C annon Beach 436-2906
WftA o r Without Needles
Dear Uncle Mike,
I'm a 26 year old woman -- single, intelligent, warm, caring, reasonably attractive, sensual and often
charming.
Here is my question. Where are all the good men? All I get are whiners, slackers, and aging
adolescents without a car, gas money, ambition or a clue. I don't think I’m all that picky, but I'm not
desperate enough to caretake cynics whose cup is always half empty, put bandaids on the knees of
skateboarders old enough to shave, or support lovers who sleep around. Any suggestions, Answer Man?
Selective Shopper in Seattle
A c u p u n c tu re is H ealthy M edicine
it
Acupuncture
Chinese Herbal Medicine
Massage
Dear Shopper,
Uncle Mike always has suggestions. His first is that you change your metaphor before he gags. One
shops for clothing, fresh produce, and the perfect Spanish Coffee. The idea of shopping for human
beings ended, obstensibly at least, with the Civil War.
Since you describe yourself as intelligent. Uncle Mike hesitates to suggest the obvious. You may be
shopping in the wrong boutiques. Or, in a kinder and gentler metaphor, fishing in the wrong hole.
Lacking knowledge of what you consider a 'good man'. Uncle Mike is hard pressed to whip out a list of
likely venues. His first suggestion is that you stop looking altogether. Unlike finding the ideal cellular
phone service, finding love is more often a wonderful accident than the climax of consumer research.
Some of the male traits you describe with loathing and disdain are, Uncle Mike can't help but notice,
age specific. Poor baby. Having been a younger man himself once, Uncle Mike has nothing but
sympathy for young women hell bent to make something of them. Pet rocks are often easier to train.
On the other hand, Uncle Mike is ceaselessly unamused by the snivelling of women young and old who,
in their search for the perfect man they so obviously deserve, price themselves out of the market.
Dear Uncle Mike,
I'm an easygoing woman but I can be backed into a corner. I've had it up to here with stupid
answering machine messages that a) are delivered by children too young to be interesting, b) rhyme, or c)
sacrifice brevity for an unfortunate attempt at cleverness.
Knowing you, you have some withering countermeasure. Care to share it?
Shirley H., Coloma, Ca.
HOPE L. HARRIS
L IC E N S E D
MASSAGE
T H E R A P IS T
5 0 3 / 3 2 5 -2 5 2 3
I CLATSOP COUNTY WOMEN'S CRISIS SERVICE
325-5735
Dear Shirley,
Eventually. But first, Uncle Mike would like to know how someone in Coloma, California found
him in Cannon Beach. For reasons we won't go into, it makes Uncle Mike nervous to be found by
anyone too distant to buy him a drink or loan him money.
Are you a) a recent visitor to Cannon Beach, b) a loyal subscriber, or c) a member of a law
enforcement agency? In any case. Uncle Mike would consider it a personal favor if you forgot his
address.
As for answering machines whose messages should constitute grounds for flogging. Uncle Mike finds
it satisfying to wait for the beep and then flood the instrument with any note played on his tuba.
V ifX fo CARVINGS
PAINTINGS
(206) 695-2204
VANCOUVER, WA
Dear Uncle Mike,
My 10 year old daughter has developed an interest in spiders. It started as a school project. Now she
wants a tarantula. Is this normal?
Squeamish in Astoria
Dear Squeamish,
* ’
” ‘
In a word, no. Spiders are the nightmare of the wild kingdom and those who do anything but avoid
them are, in Uncle Mike’s humble opinion, one click this side of the irretrievable.
Under no circumstances should you buy your little munchkin a tarantula. Have you seen these things?
Good grief, nitwit, use your head.
Your daughter will promise you she'll keep it in a terrarium with a brick on the lid. She'll be lying.
Eventually she'll confuse her large-mandibled arachnid with a pet who knows which side its bread is
buttered on. Or cares.
Trust me, the morning will come when, before you've had your coffee, your eight-legged wooly horror
will scurry out from under the refrigerator and leap onto your face. At this point squooshing will be out
of the question.
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239 N. Hemlock #3 « Cannon Beach ■ 436-0129
JJ
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Breads - Pastries
Desserts - Espresso
E m m s W hite Building
1064 H em lock ' M idto w n C ann o n Beach
„ u
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You should have thought of all this before you
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N. F. Simpson
—
C q
Cookies • Cinnamon Rolls
• Muffins • Espresso •
Pizza by the Slice
Cheri Lerma
239 N. Hemlock
P.O. Box 825
Cannon Beach, OR 97110
(503)436-1129
Acupuncture — Chinese Herbs — Massage
Christina Stanley RN, 1BCLC
Bob Rice L.Ac.
P.O. Box 193
Cannon Beach, OR
97110
lactation Consultant
Breast Feeding .Assistance
Medela Breast Pump
Rental Station
P O. Box 201
179 Coolidge
Cannon Beach, O R 97110
(503)436-0161
436-1911
UPPÍK LUT CùGt
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