TO 1Y
A n n o u n c in g t h e O p e n in g o f :
^ a ’Salu rop afA ^ Q
Dear Uncle Mike,
Do you know anything about birds? I want to get
one but I don’t know what kind. My mom reads your
column and thinks you’re pretty smart. She said to
ask you. I'm eight. Thank you.
Julie T., SE Portland
w
NQ IO S IX T H S T R E E T - S U IT E 1 0 6 - A S T O R IA . O R E G O N
Dear Julie,
.
Uncle Mike is glad you wrote. He hates to see children make the mistake ot their
life before they've reached puberty. Does Uncle Mike know anything about birds
More than enough to keep him from sharing his home with them.
Listen very carefully, Julie. Underneath the bright feathers and fluff, birds are
winged reptiles. They are, in fact, direct descendants of dinosaurs. Did you see
Jurassic Park', Julie? To birds, those were the good old days.
What kind of bird should you get? Uncle Mike recommends a stuffed one. At least
then you'll be able to sleep without a scatter gun.
. .
t.
Don't be fooled by canaries or parakeets. They may not seem like much but, in their
dreams, they stand forty feet at the shoulder and see you as part of their food chain
When push comes to shove, and one day it will, you 11 find your little tweetie has a
D R . J E N N I F E R G A D D Y , N .D .
N A T U R O P A T H IC
P H Y S IC IA N
P r o v id in g F a m il y a n d W o m e n ’ s H e a l t h C a r e
S a f e , e f f e c t iv e , N a t u r a l T h e r a p ie s
u t il iz in g
F or
an
A p p o in t m
ent
C all
3 2 5 -4 3 9 8
the compassion of a cobra.
Single canaries are okay as long as the cage is welded steel, but never keep them in
pairs The small breeds are twisted little sociopaths who tend to egg each other on. As
bird experts have pointed out: if lovebirds were thirty feet tall, no one would call
RENTALS • SALES • TRIPS • CLASSES
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them lovebirds.
.
Uncle Mike thinks if you're going to get a bird at all, you should go for the real deal
and get a raptor. Eagles and hawks are what parakeets and finches would be if they
had access to steroids - vicious, winged predators who would kill before bursting into
song. If you're looking for a real bird experience, nothing quite compares to
watching your bam owl launch itself from the mantel in another try for the cat.
As Uncle Mike's grandmother once told him, "Say what you want about vultures, at
:
K® n I
487 H W Y J O l
IN WHEELER«
least they're honest."
KAYAKING ENHANCES LIVES
ART SAVES LIVES
Dear Uncle Mike,
.
My husband and I have been married for five years. I don t think he s ever been *
faithful. He's made "stupid mistakes" three times with "women who mean nothing to
him and I suspect there are some affairs I don’t know about. I knew he was a
womanizer when I married him but I thought he'd change. I'm writing because I
think he's playing around again. I don't want to leave him -- in a lot of ways, he s the
perfect man for me - but I can't take this much longer. Any suggestions would be
appreciated.
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Sleepless in Tigard
Dear Sleepless,
,
. ,
Uncle Mike's first suggestion is that you get your head examined. You're married to
a philanderer who doesn't give a rat's rump for your feelings. Ditch the bum.
W ho cares if he's a victim of the Peter Pan syndrome? Who cares what wounded
him as a child and arrested his emotional development? Who cares if his ego needs
gratification as part of the healing process? Aside from Oprah, no one.
What do you think, there's some magic potion you can give him? Some mantra that
will keep his trousers on? Wake up and smell the garbage, dear. You obviously can t
trust the man. W ithout trust, there's nothing that can properly be called a marriage.
On Uncle Mike's block, it's not even a friendship.
If one has affairs, and Uncle Mike is not entirely divorced from the real world, one
at least owes his or her partner discretion. Violating terms of endearment is one
thing, rubbing someone's nose in it is another. Your husband is either a hopeless
bungler or he just doesn't care.
.
Your husband is who he is, you're who you are, and life, as they say, is short.
Unless you're willing to live out the status quo for the rest of your life, let the man
know you're serious. Give him one more chance. When he trips over his libido, and
Uncle Mike is willing to bet he will, cut your losses and carve him out of your life like
I f you haven't visited us lately, you're missing a lot!!
Sometimes A Great Lotion
239 N. Hemlock #3 « Cannon Beach « 436-0129
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