Dear Uncle Mike,
The other night, my husband &
1 went out for dinner. Nothing
fancy, just a nice place. The
couple two tables over brought
their seven year old and we
spent the whole meal listening to
the child whining and her parents
cajoling and threatening
her. My husband says I shouldn't have let it ruin my meal, that kids will
be kids. I say the management should have done something. What do you
think?
Furious in Astoria
Dear Furious,
Uncle Mike thinks the world is going to hell in a handbasket and your
night out does nothing to lessen his suspicions.
When Uncle Mike was a child, his parents took him to pizza parlors and
Chinese restaurants. Although it might have occured to him to behave
badly, he didn't; not because he was a young saint, but because he had been
taught, through lessons mild and harsh, to mind his manners. By today’s
standards, or lack of them. Uncle Mike would be horribly repressed.
Uncle Mike was further repressed by media images of children who
showed respect to their elders. He did not imagine that the world revolved
around him and that all adults, including his parents, were stupid and
oppressive louts given to him to shape up. Then again. Uncle Mike was
blessed to grow up in a time when adults were easier to respect.
This brings us to your dinner. The issue is not one of restaurant
management. The issue is parenting and the lack thereof. Here are Uncle
Mike's rules for dining out with your child. The first whine is free. The
second whine gets a warning. The third whine and the kid’s out of there.
No alibis, no excuses, no plea bargains. Big dogs do not roll over for pups.
Nor should they.
Should you have let the little whelp's floor show ruin your meal? Short
of asking your server for earplugs or changing your order to takeout. Uncle
Mike sees no way it couldn't. Should the management have done
something? If they didn't expect the occasional childish outburst, they
would draw a line five feet up the wall and post a sign saying, 'If you're not
this big, you can't eat here'.
The question you didn't ask was, 'Should I have done something?' This
makes you part of the problem. Next time, approach the offending table
politely. Ask if there's anything you can possibly do to lighten the family
mood. They will be offended and say no. Then, address the child. Explain
to her or him that she or he is ruining your meal and it's making you very
cranky. Ask if they'd like to eat their napkin now or later. Mean it and
they'll get the message.
Dear Uncle Mike,
Last month you said that spanking should be limited to consenting adults.
I think sadomasochism is sick and so are you.
Normal in Portland
Dear Normal,
Uncle Mike is glad you took time from your busy day of obsessing over
the affairs of others to write. Since you seem a little overwrought, let Uncle
Mike rephrase your question.
Does Uncle Mike stand behind the rights of adult humas to spank each
other? Absolutely, although he's not sure he'd die to defend it.
Is sadomasochism sick? Like most things, the more Uncle Mike thinks
about it, the less sure he is of his answer. People are funny, so are the
things they do with and to themselves and each other in the name of fun.
Some people hurt others on purpose. Sick is when they do it without being
asked.
Is Uncle Mike sick? Yes, but Nurse thinks he's better and may be able to
go on field trips soon. Thanks for asking.
Is Uncle Mike into S & M? It's not your concern, but no. Uncle Mike
hates pain and scrupulously avoids either giving or receiving it. Lack of
pain means a great deal to Uncle Mike and he has never once confused it
with pleasure, not even during his marriage.
Because of this prejudice, Uncle Mike has never been able to throw
himself into sadomasochism with anything resembling the proper spirit.
Try as he might, when Uncle Mike thinks of fun, leather underwear and
bull whips just never pop into his head. Uncle Mike has a bunnysuit and a
squirt gun, thank you very much.
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239 N. Hemlock #3 • Cannon Beach « 4 3 6 - 0 1 2 9 ,
Dear Uncle Mike,
Do you think marijuana should be legal?
Sheila W„ Eugene
Dear Sheila,
In a word, yes. Uncle Mike believes all drugs should be legal and dirt
cheap, and that the tax from their regulated sales could help finance the
sort of society in which 12 year olds with Uzis don't sell crack on bicycles.
Uncle Mike believes the most dangerous drug is money. After that comes
gasoline.
If we're speaking in terms of social disease, drug abuse (and here Uncle
Mike thinks of alcohol, cocaine and heroin) is most correctly considered a
symptom. Genetic disposition aside, humans with reason to hope don't
smoke crack, shoot heroin, or drink themselves into a stupor on a regular
basis. Those who 'abuse' drugs are medicating themselves against a toxic
reality. With seventy percent of federal prison inmates incarcerated for
drug related crime, Uncle Mike wonders if the war on drugs might be
better waged on poverty and despair.
Uncle Mike also wonders if, even in common parlance, marijuana can be
called a danerous drug. Cannabis may sap smokers of the energy and drive
necessary to become a stock broker but, as many have pointed out,
potheads don't mug people for a joint. They giggle and eat Milk Duds.
Unlike the beer or martini afflicted, potheads can touch their noses with
their fingers (often doing it for a lark) and don't drive cars into solid objects
at high speeds.
As for marijuana being a social problem. Uncle Mike must snort. In his
experience, smokers of hemp are far more interesting conversationalists
than drunks, crackheads or heroin freaks. When it comes to good
citizenship, marijuana devotees are, if anything, too considerate and
thoughtful, displaying an appreciation for the subtle wonders of the here
and now that borders on the sacred. These are. Uncle Mike confesses,
qualities he enjoys in his fellow humans.
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