the ranks and taps the lucky few on the shoulder with a pool
cue. Fifty are culled from the crowd and eventually a final
eleven are designated as Tigers for a day. The game will be
played, sort of.
The box score for that contest against the Athletics looked like
this;
Players
McGarr,2B
McHarg, 3B
Irwin, 3B.C
Travers, P
McGarvey, LF
L'n'h's'r, 1B
Sugden, 1B
McGuire, C
Smith, 3B
Meaney, SS
Ward, RF
Jennings +
Totals
+batted for exercise
They came like Norway rats landing in 14th century
Portsmouth; filthy little bags of poison that knew a party town
when they saw it. But this time they had one agenda on their
fevered minds: litigation.
I was wintering in my current retirement home at
Lac-La-Plonge, Saskatchewan, engaged in the hunt for the epic
lunker bonefish. Ice-fishing is a savage sport that will drag
the ill prepared to a quick and watery grave, so I was, of course,
well provisioned. My supply lines were marginally reliable,
and the placement of a small warehouse abutting some burial
grounds was provident and necessary.
The local work force, a husky and fur-clad breed, proved
amenable enough, as long as the whiskey and fireworks rolled
in. I even found time to introduce them to an obscure new faith
from New England, called "Three Card Monte".
Then, insurrection raised its ugly mug. The blueprints for
my ice-fishing bungalow induced some restiveness among the
tribal elders. The six bed servants' quarters, the labratory, and
the two gun turrets, among other features, were deemed
"unorthodox", and there were rumblings of a "holy excisement".
Nimbly, I stepped forward to diffuse the misunderstanding. A
word to the chieftain here, a few well-placed "Rolexes" there,
and some random gunfire over the heads of the bourgeoisie
calmed the situation, and construction went apace.
And so, to this, my sanctum sanctorum, they had ferreted me
out. They descended upon me, a nightmare of pin-striped
shapes, flared nostrils and weird eyes, chattering in outrageous
jargon. I decided to take the high road.
I selected what appeared to be the lead beast and applied a
backhand. The cacaphony ceased.
"Speak, febrile counselor, and state your business, for my
patience is short and the polar bears grow hungry."
This produced a new outcry involving phrases such as
"fraudulent expenses", "misappropriation", "court costs", "the
Mann act", "sedition", and on and on; they waved papers in my
face.
I knew 1 was done. My retirement in peace was a vapor, a
will-o-the-wisp, a dream and no more. My editor and his
legions of creatures had bested me yet again, may he drown in
dog vomit. There was no help for it; write I must.
I set out on the sled the next day for Swan creek, then
Smoothstone lake, and then Weyankwin lake before hitting
Hwy 2, and a high speed all-night enduro into Prince Albert.
Before I left, I gave my remaining Krugerrands to the
village, and told them to treat the lawyers to the hospitality for
which they had become legendary.
And, to not take no for an answer.
Player
Maggert, LF
Strunk, CF
Collins, 2B
Baker, 3B
Murphy, RF
Mclnnes, 1B
Barry, SS
Detroit
AB H
4 0
1 0
3 2
3 0
3 0
4 0
3 1
2 1
1 0
2 0
2 0
1 0
29
4
Philadelphia
AB
4
6
6
5
3
6
4
A
Coombs, P
Brown, P
Pennock, P
Totals
1
3
1
43 25
R
o
3
2
1
7
1
1
2
3
1
3
0
0
24
A E
0 1
0 0
2 1
0 1
0 3
0 0
1 1
1 2
0 0
0 1
0 0
0 0
4 10
H O
3 0
4 0
5 0
2 0
2 1
3 7
2 3
1C
4
A
0
0
1
0
0
0
1
4
E
0
0
0
0
0
0
1
n
0 0
2 0
1 0
27
1
2
1
7
0
0
0
1
H
player who got to bean him?
A) Marty Marion
B) Peanuts Lowery
C) Frenchy Bordagaray
D) Snuffy Stimweiss
A)
B)
C)
D)
Damn Yankees
Headin' Home
Speedy
The Babe Comes Home
9) Which ballpark was used as the home of the "Ni
York Knights" in "The Natural"?
A) War Memorial, Buffalo
B) McCormick Field, Asheville
C) Red Bird Stadium, Columbus
D) Parkway Field, Louisville
10) Name the town that boasts the yard that has a
seating capacity of 84, was the home of the 1988 B
Sox, and has fences consisting of, left to right, com
com, and corn?
A) Spalding, Neb.
B) Bellevue, Kan.
C) Davenport, Neb.
D) Dyersville, Iowa
®astle
®arpet
(Mooring
E
Detroit
000020000
2 4 10
Philadelphia 30308442X 24 25 1
2B (Meggert, Strunk, Barry, Pennock)
3B (Strunk, Baker, Murphy, Irwln2, Brown,
Maggert) SAC (Lapp) SAC Fly (Barry) SB
(Colllns4, Baker, Murphy, Mclnnes2, McGarvey)
DP-Detroit 1; LOB (Detroit 4, Phil 4) T-1;42
Umpires - Dineen and Perrine
DONALD THOM
P.O.BOX 773
CANNON BEACH OR 97110
436*1114
A cursory look at this box scorer reveals what a memorable
experience this must have been for fans and players alike. It is
nothing short of miraculous that this debacle only consumed an
hour and forty-two minutes.
I assembled all this minutiae on the exclusive "Left Edge"
huge, monolithic, coal-fire, steam-driven combination
main-frame computer, data processor and knife sharpener. I
couldn't, however, get it to spit out an attendance figure, more's
the pity.
The only thing more abysmal than suffering through a game
like this would be if both sides were peopled with clowns, losers,
and has-beens. This is exactly what you have to look forward to,
possibly 2268 times in this regular season. Happy, happy; joy,
joy.
DICK BARTOLDUS
OWNER/GENERAL MANAGER
ALLIED.
AGENT/ALLIED VAN LINES
THE CAREFUL MOVERS”
CITY TRANSFER & STORAGE CO.
1152 MARINE DRIVE
ASTORIA. OREGON 97103
Arcadia
ndscapi
And now, since Baseball seems to exist only in the mind o f the
dislocated, we offer you this month’s morsel of: The Baseball
Q u iz .. . d la fantasia.. . .
P.S. To Jim Anderson
Thanks so much for the half-rack of '64 Chateau Latour you
sent up so you could use my name in your last column. My boys
were a bit non-plussed at not seeing screw-caps, but after a bit
of tooth and saw, the whole mess went into the RubberMaid can
along with the Spinada, Bali-Hai, and ether with a minimum of
effort.
Many Thanks
Mr. BB
FOR
Ï
1) Every small child knows Dan Dailey played Dizzy
Dean in the movie, "The Pride of St. Louis". But who
portrayed his brother, Paul?
A) Hugh O'Brien
B) Jon Hall
C) Richard Crenna
D) Stephen McNally
MRD06DESCNED *
TO REDUCE Ok
B H W JE
PESnCSEUSE.
ATTENTION BUStfSSES
i W ECRW EDW NW N
ROMER BQXE& PUNTERS
I
HANGMG »SETS
436-0738HES
UŒMSED-80H»
MSUREO
NOS
Now that the Salary Cap is as dead as a crewman in a red shirt,
and the anti-trust protection is under assault by that engine of
determination, the U.S. Congress, what can we look forward to?
Replacement Players.
Any M inor Leaguer who agrees to this management siren
song will suffer the same fate as scabs have earned throughout
history. The strike will be settled, the authentic players will
return, and these clowns, who saw a brief window of
opportunity to use this strike as a stepping stone to the show, at
the expense of the real article, will wither and fade into the
shadows of bad trivia. A man who uses the integrity of another
to advance his own advantage, because his play is obviously
inferior and this is his only co u rse.. . well, by God, the man is a
scoundrel and should be horse whipped.
By the way, this is not new. Replacement players, I mean, not
horse whipping.
In 1912, Ty Cobb, as was his way, climbed into the Hilltop Park
stands in the Bronx, and clocked some punk who was being
overly vocal. It turned out he was a war vet who was missing
his right hand. Ban Johnson, sensitive as he was to the image
of the ballplayer as a drunken womanizing brawler, suspended
the game's greatest player. . . . indefinitely.
The Tigers, seeing their World Series checks disappear into
Lake Michigan, act as one; they strike.
In a letter to Johnson, the Detroit club says they will "refuse
to play in another game until such action is adjusted to our
satisfaction." Among the signees were Sam Crawford, Jim
Delahanty, Davey Jones, George Moriarty, and Bill Bums.
Ban Johnson is adamant; the next scheduled game. May 18,
will be played, or the Navin family will lose its franchise. The
Tigers' manager, Hughie Jennings, is beside himself. His
solution is to hire replacement players. College, semi-pro, and
just general shmuck sand-lot bums will fill out the Tigers'
roster.
And so the word goes out, and within 24 hours, 700 hopefuls
crowd Navin field, quivering with hope and trepidation. In a
scene unnervingly like Mengele at Auschwitz, Jennings walks
t
I
2) Who played Satchel Paige in "Don't Look Back”?
A) Paul Winfield
B) Billy Dee Williams
C) Lou Gosset, Jr.
D) James Earl Jones
Answers:
1) C
2) B
3) A
4) B
5) A
6) A
7) B
8) A
9) A
10) D
WHERE TO GET AN EDGE
3) In "The Odd Couple", Oscar misses a dramatic triple
play when interrupted by a phone call to the press box
by Felix, who has an important question concerning
dinner. Who hit into the game-ending triple killing?
A) Bill Mazeroski
B) Roberto Clemente
C) Willie Stargell
D) Jose Pagan
I
CANNON BEACH: Jupiter's Rare and Used
Books, The Cookie Co., Coffee Cabana, Bill’s
Tavern, Cannon Beach Book Co., Hane's Bakerie,
The Bistro, Midtown Cafe, Once Upon a Breeze &
Cleanline Surf
’ MANZANITA: Mother Nature's, Cassandra's,
Nehalem Bay Videos
ROCKAWAY: Sharkey s
TILLAMOOK: Rainy Day Books
NESKOWIN: The Hawk Creek Café
PACIFIC CITY: The River House
OCEANSIDE: Ocean Side Espresso
LINCOLN CITY: Trillium Natural Foods,
Driftwood Library
NEWPORT: Oceana Natural Foods, Don Petrie's
Italian Food Co., Café DIVA, Cosmo Café,
Bookmark Café, Newport Bay Coffe Co.,
Cuppatunes, Bay Latté, Ocean Pulse Surf Shop &
Canyon Way
EUGENE: The WOW Hall, KLCC, Oasis
CORVALLIS: The Environmental Center, OSU
SALEM: Heliotrope
ASTORIA: KMUN, Columbian Cafe, The
t Community Store & Café Uniontown
ñ SEASIDE: Buck's Books, Universal Video &
4) This is a gimme. Who played Jim Piersall in "Fear
Strikes Out"?
A) Stuart Whitman
B) Anthony Perkins
C) Tony Curtis
D) Micheál Craig
5) Who was the poor sap who took the bad hop in the
family jewels in “The Natural"?
A) Phil Mankowski
B) Bruce Bochte
C) MikeCubbage
D) Ray Knight
6) The name of the 1938 Broadway musical
co-starring Lou Gehrig, in which he dispatched the
cowboy antagonists with high and tight billiard balls.
A) Rawhide
B) Tumbleweeds
C) Saloon Lou
D) Sagebrush
I Café Espresso
II PORTLAND: The Goose Hollow Inn, Powell's
H Books (Two Locations). Music Millennium (Two
H Locations), The Laurelthirst, Key Largo, East Ave
H Tavern, and many many more.....
DUVALL,
WASHINGTON:
Duvall Books
U I PPE
R LEFT
CD6£ MARCH
W?5
7) We all know Dutch Reagan played Old Pete
Alexander in "The Winning Team". But who acted as the
)
JjS