t e
.
Deer U nde Mike
I recently learned that my fourteen
year old daughter. »« 11 call her
Monica has stopped veering pannes
1 don l count myself a prude but 1
must admit I am concerned She says
•he s not eesually active and for the
most part I believe her She says a lot
of her friends don t wear underwear and that she feels more comfortable without it
That do you th in k 7
Concerned Mom in Portland
A cupuncture — l h m e tr Kerbs — V U suajr
EAT
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B ob Rice L.A c.
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436-, 9 11
Dear Concerned
About w hat7 Before Uncle Mike rolls up his sleeves to deal with your problem he
would first like to point out that you don t have one On the off chance you ve ,ust
emerged from a coma Mr Rogers Neighborhood is not what it once was Children
your daughter s age carry guns shoot drugs mug pensioners and set winos on fire
Perspective established we press on
I f you re looking for moral support you ve knocked on the wrong door Although
Uncle Mike wears underwear himself he sees no reason to eipect the rest of
humanity to follow him like sheep If Monica and her friends feel more comfortable
with one less layer of fashion more power to them Albert Einstein didn t wear socks
Uncle Mike wonders what esactly is your concern That your daughter is slightly
more naked than you thought she was7 Who in their rig h t mind would care7 As long
as Monica favors pants and long skirts this shouldn t pose a problem either to
herself or to innocent bystanders That she s turned into a lying little slut7 All
things are possible but unless the evidence involves more that what you ve trotted
out Unde Mike would caution against tumping to conclusions
Testing his convictions Uncle Mike spent a day without underwear He did not feel
any more lascivious than usual He only fell cold
Cinnamon Roaa.
Pteza by the Sac«.
Mubins Eapreeeo
end Coduee
238 N H E M L O C K
Ph. 438-2832
H O P E L H A R R IS
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303/ 323 2323
Dear Uncle Mike
My friend and I have a bet I say since you re a whm ey self-righteous liberal, you
voted yes on Measure 16 the so called right to die initiative For once your opinion is
worth twenty bucks to me
Reluctant Reader Garibaldi
T h e r a p e u t ic M a s s a g e
S t r e s s R e d u c t io n
A ro m a th e ra p y
H e rb a l f a c ia ls
H om e V is it s a v a il
JU D Y
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Dear Repugnent Reader
My we certainly know how to put our best foot forward don l we7
Before telling you that how he voted on any issue is less your concern than
intimate details of his mating habits Uncle Mike would first like to suggest a place to
put your stereotypes
While Uncle Mike can be on occasion whmey and self righteous he would
cheerfully open a vein before being a liberal Uncle Mike is a fullblown leftist
which in today s political climate makes him the sort of conservative who regards
George Bush and Rush Limbaugh as fascists If you must know he s a little worried
about Madonna too
As a conservative Uncle Mike believes devoutly that our bodies and their contents
to include urine and fetuses are our own Whose else pray tell, would they be7 In
the words of Ollie North s hero Patrick Henry "Give me liberty or give me death
In
•ome caaes cupcake they re the same thing
/ ?
L ic e n s e d M a s s a g e T h e r a p is t
fly A p p o i n t m e n t
(5 0 3 ) 7 3 Ô -5 6 8 4
S e a s i d e . OR 9 7 l 38
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Dear Uncle Mike
My girlfriends and 1 have started an Uncle Mike fan club We want to know if
you re married and how old you are Also if you re cute
Julie and Friends Eugene
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Dear Julie,
While Uncle Mike is flattered beyond words that you and your friends have made
him the ob|ect of your obsessions he wonders if you might not have stopped taking
your medicine too soon Praying that if he humors you. you and your unbalanced
little flock will not show up at his door he 11 indulge your nosiness
Uncle Mike was once married He regards this as unarguable evidence that the lust
for eipenence comes before the w ill to survive A serial monogomist by default he
is at the moment deliriously unattached Unless you count poker
As to his age. Uncle Mike is depending upon what he did the night before either
younger than springtime or older than dirt Not to be coy if Uncle Mike were a black
Lab he would be three hundred and fifty
Is Uncle Mike cute? Yes especially in the morning Few physical deformities are
not more than offset by a wrinkled pair o f bunny paiamas
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VICTOR H. PLUCY, ITLA
Counseling Psychotherapy
IndMduoJi. Couples & Families
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Lactation Consultant
Breast Feeding .Assistance
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