Roman neighborhood (where live Gucci and C a rtia r), a
gallery in which an extaordinery cast acrylic translucent
Jesus (in , as opposed to on, the cross) goes for $ 4 0 ,0 0 0
As many as the stars in the sky are the dollars that flow
through Las Vegas Its several casinos aside, Cesar s
Palace is what all shopping malls dream to be An ambience
from which one hesitates to escape, a world whose lords
have learned »0 short circuit time
comes very close to beirxj money
W e ll cell this one. Beer end loefinq in 1 « Veqes
It's eeven in the evening An impressive sandstorm is
sleeping in over the desert Thunder, lightning, the
«cesional errant rein drop frying on the sidevalk in the
11 3* dusk In front of the Sahara. the picket signs of the
strikers crackle in the dry wind end the pirate assault on
the tvo ships in the front yard lagoon of Treasure Island is
cancelled due to choppy voter
Bummer
Las Vegas, neon fru it of Bugsy Siegel s dream (Build it
and they'll come v ith their q u a rte rs ), dances in the slot
machine sunset of an oddly American hallucination A
glittering monument to denial (there is no desert, there Is
no desert), its fountains and indoor waterfalls irrigate a
sun-baked bit of purgatory that hasn't seen measurable
ra in for three years
Squatting like an expense account
Iirard at the hub of a network of package tours, the fastest
growing city in the country is a beeping, flashing affront to
the natural order
In spite of which, or because of which, wa lova this placa
very much Say what you w i l l , as far as getaways go, It s
taord to imagine anything worth getting away from that can t
be got away from effortlessly in Las Vegas A newcomer,
Which, in las Yagas
And what of mighty Luxor, new kid at the end of The
S trip 7 (The S trip is, by the way, two solid miles of
casinos ) Behind tie full scale replica of Cleopatra s needle
and the statuary courtyard with Its four-stories tall
Sphinx (complete with nose), is a black glass pyramid two
blocks on a side and perhaps two hundred feet tall Yes,
♦ here s a river inside where one can, if one wishes, ride a
barge Or watch the laserizad Mysteries of Luxor on the
seven-story Omni max screen Or, as a last defense against
boredom, eat, d rin k , and gamble
What we re dealing with here, campers, is a Disneyland
for adults And against all odds, it works Our idea of fun
used to be pow wowing with the rivar people on the
Columbia It still is , those weekends we can t get to Las
Buffet
Nine o clock in Las Vegas, our last night at the oasis
Nurse Angela and ourself on the balcony, reduced to
pleasure sponges, checking the time lest we miss the prime
rib In the twilight just begond Circus Circus, a metal
tower 2 5 0 feet tall We have only a minute to wonder what
it is before the tiny human on the platform executes a
reepactable »wan dive Bungee jumpinq into the neon
sunset of the American mirage
but no one s fool, we did not fly Into the belly of the beast
alone We brought Nurse Angela along to make sure matters
got out of hand quickly
Our balcony rooms at the Westward Ho (o r, as we came
to know it, the Wayward Ho, the c heepast hotel on the
package) look out on the Riviera across the street To our
right, at the McDonald s next door, the rear guard of the
Grateful Dead concert are swilling 75< Heinekens and
pooling gas money to get out of town In the foreground
(our seven mythical pools and Jacuzzis just beyond), the
Wayward’s lovely sign reminds us of the prime rib buffet
for $6 95 and the 42 ounce happy hour Margarita, served
from one until seven for 99< W ith chips, salsa, and Kano
We came to call Las Vegas, Las Buffet Given the
mountains of < heap food, »he reel’ miracle is that the
sidewalks aren't littered with the vh r*zii«j bodies of
grazers for whom that last barbecued rib was a g r is ly
mistake If you don't gam weight in las Vegas, you ve been
gambling far too much Or drinking with newfound
abandon
If one shoots craps, plays roulette o r , for that matter,
sits like a laboratory gerbi I pressing buttons and pulling
handles on the gaily lit quarter machines, the drinks are
free - - brought to you by comely young women in costumes
which are, in terms of current politics, deliriously
incorrect Yes, we wore our chest her ness And yes. Nurse
Angela kept us on a short leash Aside from the episode with
the seals, wildly distorted in the police reports, our
behavior was impeccable When biting the occasional
ankle, we were careful not to break the skin
An especially civilized touch one may carry one's gin
and tonic out onto the street, rolling the icy glass on one s
forehead to ward off sunstroke (the second day, it hit
I 1 7°) and ricochet aimlessly into the next a ir - conditioned
fantasy
Lord how we love Las Vegas
In spite of all we d heard, nothing prepared us tor the
city that not only never sleeps, but never even nods off
For a country boy, the sight of a seventy year-old man
(someone's great grampe) sitting in a casino at three in the
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Becoming a restaurant reviewer is a
constant, deep and abiding temptation for
we ink-stained wretches who w rite for
publication
Who among us hasn t day-dreamed of a
benignly sm iling editor saying, ‘ Here,
wordsmith, take this credit card and go
ye unto the fanciest, most expensive
restaurants in the land and report back to
us the venues of the finest foi gras, the
most luscious lobster, the sizz)ingest of
steaks
*Pay no attention to cost, my boy, the
publication can stand it
‘Oh, before you go. may i suggest you
draft as companion and assistant for this
assignment that young lady from the
Home and Garden department You know,
the one who was walking past when you
stepped in the wastebasket and fe ll on
your fa c e '
It s a recurrent fantasy, one that
strikes most viru le n tly when standing in
line at McWhoozit s Fast Fish and Chips
emporium or when contemplating the
damage done to the beer and steelhead
tackle budget by two steak dinners, a
decent bottle of wine and a lave or two
of brandy to settle the stomach
Unfortunately, it happens only in
fantasy F irst, a sm iling editor is much
more likely to be proffering a pink slip
and orders to clean out your desk than a
credit card Second, the term, 'Don t
worry about expense,' is surgically
removed from ’ the brain before one is
allowed to be an editor Thirdly, if the
pulchritudinous maiden from Home and
Garden is going to be noshing w ith anyone
at the publication s expense, that
someone w ill be (yep) the editor Yet the
dream never wanes
Thus, I hereby state, a fte r years of
dedicated research up and down the
length of the Oregon Coast, that the best
clam sandwich in our domain is served at
Newport Steak and Seafood, on hwy 101
just north of the Yaquina Bay bridge And
yes, l paid for it out of my very own
pocket
4 ( ra /l
in ( u u n o n H i u< h
m o rn in g , chew ing a cigar the size of a Louisville Slugger,
playing Twenty-One for $ 5 0 0 a hand, puts one's puny
attempts at debauchery into perspective As do the $100
slot machines with the simple instructions Insert Bill
What we were most unprepared fo r, stalwart Nurse
Angela and ourself, was the sheer scale Boggling pales
before the truth We've mentioned the three masted pirate
ships and the lagoons We forgot the volcano that erupts
several times a day spewing leva onto the miniature desert
island
All well and good, but cheap th rills pale beside C«sar's
Palace with its three-quarter scale Romen forum Where,
above the fountain courtyard (dolphins spewing w a ta r, the
Three Graces sort oi thing) and the three metre statues of
♦ he gods perched bac klit on the temple wells, is the great
vault of the sky five stories over head Dabbling at one's
angel Natr pasta and a chocolate mocha mousse so decadent It
should ba a controlled substance, one watches the light
change from dawn to noon to deep Las Vegas dusk Just down
a sidestreet in the five-acre reproduction of a firs t century
---------- —-------------------------------- ,
ANTHONY STOFTIELLO
......................-= Arc hi t r o t
f>rth
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FatucMAw
" H r didn't niy '«I d cn tc.' did h t ' "
DON PETRIE’S
ITALIAN FOOD COMPANY I
613NW Third 265 FOOD 1
Nye Beach, Newport
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