Image provided by: Upper Left Edge; Cannon Beach, OR
About The upper left edge. (Cannon Beach, Or.) 1992-current | View Entire Issue (Aug. 1, 1994)
Roman neighborhood (where live Gucci and C a rtia r), a gallery in which an extaordinery cast acrylic translucent Jesus (in , as opposed to on, the cross) goes for $ 4 0 ,0 0 0 As many as the stars in the sky are the dollars that flow through Las Vegas Its several casinos aside, Cesar s Palace is what all shopping malls dream to be An ambience from which one hesitates to escape, a world whose lords have learned »0 short circuit time comes very close to beirxj money W e ll cell this one. Beer end loefinq in 1 « Veqes It's eeven in the evening An impressive sandstorm is sleeping in over the desert Thunder, lightning, the «cesional errant rein drop frying on the sidevalk in the 11 3* dusk In front of the Sahara. the picket signs of the strikers crackle in the dry wind end the pirate assault on the tvo ships in the front yard lagoon of Treasure Island is cancelled due to choppy voter Bummer Las Vegas, neon fru it of Bugsy Siegel s dream (Build it and they'll come v ith their q u a rte rs ), dances in the slot machine sunset of an oddly American hallucination A glittering monument to denial (there is no desert, there Is no desert), its fountains and indoor waterfalls irrigate a sun-baked bit of purgatory that hasn't seen measurable ra in for three years Squatting like an expense account Iirard at the hub of a network of package tours, the fastest growing city in the country is a beeping, flashing affront to the natural order In spite of which, or because of which, wa lova this placa very much Say what you w i l l , as far as getaways go, It s taord to imagine anything worth getting away from that can t be got away from effortlessly in Las Vegas A newcomer, Which, in las Yagas And what of mighty Luxor, new kid at the end of The S trip 7 (The S trip is, by the way, two solid miles of casinos ) Behind tie full scale replica of Cleopatra s needle and the statuary courtyard with Its four-stories tall Sphinx (complete with nose), is a black glass pyramid two blocks on a side and perhaps two hundred feet tall Yes, ♦ here s a river inside where one can, if one wishes, ride a barge Or watch the laserizad Mysteries of Luxor on the seven-story Omni max screen Or, as a last defense against boredom, eat, d rin k , and gamble What we re dealing with here, campers, is a Disneyland for adults And against all odds, it works Our idea of fun used to be pow wowing with the rivar people on the Columbia It still is , those weekends we can t get to Las Buffet Nine o clock in Las Vegas, our last night at the oasis Nurse Angela and ourself on the balcony, reduced to pleasure sponges, checking the time lest we miss the prime rib In the twilight just begond Circus Circus, a metal tower 2 5 0 feet tall We have only a minute to wonder what it is before the tiny human on the platform executes a reepactable »wan dive Bungee jumpinq into the neon sunset of the American mirage but no one s fool, we did not fly Into the belly of the beast alone We brought Nurse Angela along to make sure matters got out of hand quickly Our balcony rooms at the Westward Ho (o r, as we came to know it, the Wayward Ho, the c heepast hotel on the package) look out on the Riviera across the street To our right, at the McDonald s next door, the rear guard of the Grateful Dead concert are swilling 75< Heinekens and pooling gas money to get out of town In the foreground (our seven mythical pools and Jacuzzis just beyond), the Wayward’s lovely sign reminds us of the prime rib buffet for $6 95 and the 42 ounce happy hour Margarita, served from one until seven for 99< W ith chips, salsa, and Kano We came to call Las Vegas, Las Buffet Given the mountains of < heap food, »he reel’ miracle is that the sidewalks aren't littered with the vh r*zii«j bodies of grazers for whom that last barbecued rib was a g r is ly mistake If you don't gam weight in las Vegas, you ve been gambling far too much Or drinking with newfound abandon If one shoots craps, plays roulette o r , for that matter, sits like a laboratory gerbi I pressing buttons and pulling handles on the gaily lit quarter machines, the drinks are free - - brought to you by comely young women in costumes which are, in terms of current politics, deliriously incorrect Yes, we wore our chest her ness And yes. Nurse Angela kept us on a short leash Aside from the episode with the seals, wildly distorted in the police reports, our behavior was impeccable When biting the occasional ankle, we were careful not to break the skin An especially civilized touch one may carry one's gin and tonic out onto the street, rolling the icy glass on one s forehead to ward off sunstroke (the second day, it hit I 1 7°) and ricochet aimlessly into the next a ir - conditioned fantasy Lord how we love Las Vegas In spite of all we d heard, nothing prepared us tor the city that not only never sleeps, but never even nods off For a country boy, the sight of a seventy year-old man (someone's great grampe) sitting in a casino at three in the U ■ K • 6 «. m »• O • » ........... B » • O # 9 I « « C a m w o «. IIA C m , * » S B d OM • »» t o A » f ■■ -■ . N e v e r m v w l your m o n » tj in a n y t h i n g th a t eat* or needs re p a irin g Btllg Rose Xitrthwest by \orthw est (m llcry 2 3 9 N o f t h M a in io t k Cannon B a w h P O Bo« 1021 5 0 3 /4 3 6 - 0 7 4 1 mv« I U N l o l N I i, . , P itC lfu V o i i h . n - i t ( n n t, m p u r a t v C r lc b r a liH i ; * th l w Becoming a restaurant reviewer is a constant, deep and abiding temptation for we ink-stained wretches who w rite for publication Who among us hasn t day-dreamed of a benignly sm iling editor saying, ‘ Here, wordsmith, take this credit card and go ye unto the fanciest, most expensive restaurants in the land and report back to us the venues of the finest foi gras, the most luscious lobster, the sizz)ingest of steaks *Pay no attention to cost, my boy, the publication can stand it ‘Oh, before you go. may i suggest you draft as companion and assistant for this assignment that young lady from the Home and Garden department You know, the one who was walking past when you stepped in the wastebasket and fe ll on your fa c e ' It s a recurrent fantasy, one that strikes most viru le n tly when standing in line at McWhoozit s Fast Fish and Chips emporium or when contemplating the damage done to the beer and steelhead tackle budget by two steak dinners, a decent bottle of wine and a lave or two of brandy to settle the stomach Unfortunately, it happens only in fantasy F irst, a sm iling editor is much more likely to be proffering a pink slip and orders to clean out your desk than a credit card Second, the term, 'Don t worry about expense,' is surgically removed from ’ the brain before one is allowed to be an editor Thirdly, if the pulchritudinous maiden from Home and Garden is going to be noshing w ith anyone at the publication s expense, that someone w ill be (yep) the editor Yet the dream never wanes Thus, I hereby state, a fte r years of dedicated research up and down the length of the Oregon Coast, that the best clam sandwich in our domain is served at Newport Steak and Seafood, on hwy 101 just north of the Yaquina Bay bridge And yes, l paid for it out of my very own pocket 4 ( ra /l in ( u u n o n H i u< h m o rn in g , chew ing a cigar the size of a Louisville Slugger, playing Twenty-One for $ 5 0 0 a hand, puts one's puny attempts at debauchery into perspective As do the $100 slot machines with the simple instructions Insert Bill What we were most unprepared fo r, stalwart Nurse Angela and ourself, was the sheer scale Boggling pales before the truth We've mentioned the three masted pirate ships and the lagoons We forgot the volcano that erupts several times a day spewing leva onto the miniature desert island All well and good, but cheap th rills pale beside C«sar's Palace with its three-quarter scale Romen forum Where, above the fountain courtyard (dolphins spewing w a ta r, the Three Graces sort oi thing) and the three metre statues of ♦ he gods perched bac klit on the temple wells, is the great vault of the sky five stories over head Dabbling at one's angel Natr pasta and a chocolate mocha mousse so decadent It should ba a controlled substance, one watches the light change from dawn to noon to deep Las Vegas dusk Just down a sidestreet in the five-acre reproduction of a firs t century ---------- —-------------------------------- , ANTHONY STOFTIELLO ......................-= Arc hi t r o t f>rth nr Mxrtun* FatucMAw " H r didn't niy '«I d cn tc.' did h t ' " DON PETRIE’S ITALIAN FOOD COMPANY I 613NW Third 265 FOOD 1 Nye Beach, Newport r * ♦#***• bc M at '"Artre jai ua-C lacznew’.l ei »m •' e»rsj * ' ■ LIC E N S E D 1OV7EÄ COLUMBIA EAXMEEJ MAXTCIiT E'/EXY LiATUXOAY IN S U R E D BONDED AB CHILDRESS BUILDER NEW CONSTRUCTION REMODELING FOUNDATIONS ELATWORX BB «71B7OO Phone 436 2400 P 0 B o r 31 C a n n o n B e a c h . 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