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I1 IA B U 1 M ID ! • • • A IO H C IM I M C A N K .U M W A IB W A I
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Rolling
Dear Uncle Mike,
My husband of fifte en
years went out for drinks
a fte r work w ith his buddies
last week and wound up in a
topless bar lm furious He
says I'm making a big deal of
nothing I say if he wants to
look at a naked woman, he
should come home Who s of f base here?
Forty and furious. Cannon Beach
Dear Furious,
Uncle Mike would call it a tie
F irst off, your husband is a fullblow n n itw it to think youd
file his litt le adventure under the heading Meaningless Larks'
When it comes to naked young women there are, for clothed
wives of any age. no meaningless larks There is only
disloyalty and betrayal Closely followed by contempt,
disgust, outrage, and murderous fantasies Uncle Mike would
never think to call your husband stupid, but most men know
this by the time they're old enough to go to a nudie bar
As for you, Furious, Uncle Mike would strongly suggest you
not go upside his head w ith a s k ille t Give him the benefit of
the doubt He might have watched the ballgame on TV the
whole time it could happen No. that s a l, e If he te lls you
this, go for the s k ille t
The important thing ,s not to lose your sense of
perspective and proportion Uncle Mike has no illusions you'll
believe this, but your husband's appreciative ogling was not a
hostile act directed at you Small com fort, you were probably
the furthest thing from his mind
Nor is ,t an indication that he would, at the drop of a
g-strm g, run o ff w ith someone young and restless to
someplace warm and exotic and fa ll apart over several
hundred gin nckeys
Men, bless their lit t le stimulus/response systems, like to
look at naked women They like it even more when the naked
women pretend to f l i r t w ith them If history (and certain
episodes of Wild Kingdom) are any indication, this has been
going on for a very long tim e — at least since women
realized the effect this behavior has on men
Uncle Mike, recalcitrant old dog that he is, sees nothing
in trin s ic a lly evil in this As w ith most exchanges between
humans, the c ritic a l factor ,s attitude The wise never allow
the game to play them
There are, to Uncle Mike, few sights as amazing as a
middle-aged husband in a nude bar who honestly believes the
woman taking his dollars is dancing Just for him
It's a pretty funny world
by
Lindu S tephens
creating n iikpe nikncr from physical restriction
* Injury Rehahltation
W O O S W Hum es f r i r v Rd ( i <
Eire C flm u h a tx m
l ^ k r (M w rip. Or « 7 (8 6
6 0 8 « 8 6 l» O 4
14 y e a n e x ien e n t» a \ a health rare (eaht»»ier
A Fun. Colorful. AH-Cotton
Clothing Stone With A ’W ist
For Children A A d u lts
Un que G ift item*,
THINK GOOD THOUGHTS
3344 5E HAWTHORNE
fW LAN O . OP 972-4
(503) 235 0439
Open Daily
Spacious, fir-lined bay
Below the clouds beneath me
Moistens my dry mind
K & D MAIN STREET BOOKS
USED • RARE • UNUSUAL
Sin it loner
Lxvks
etc.
Dawn DcBernardi
(503) 648-9216
211 E Main Street, Hillsboro, OR 97123
Dear Uncle Mike,
Which drug do you think is more dangerous -- marijuana or
alchohoP
Marlene W , Beaverton
Dear Marlene,
First off, Uncle Mike denies any first-hand knowledge of
controlled substances Even those that grow out of the ground
right there in front of God and everyone He too has never
inhaled
This said. Uncle Mike must wonder if your question is
serious
In the years of hands on experience Uncle Mike has had w ith
sour mash whiskey, he's learned his decision-making powers
when stoned' ( if he d ever been stoned, which he never, ever
has) are leagues ahead of those he possesses in the state drug
abuse counselors call God's own drunk
Dipping potato chips ,n chocolate syrup and watching one s
lava lamp is much healthier than driving home when one can't
walk or te llin g your life story to those who only wish youd go
away
As for the most dangerous drugs, here's Uncle Mike's short
lis t Money. Gasoline, and Television
Dear Uncle Mike,
My g irlfrie n d rags on me because I won t eat lobster I say
the things are too ugly to put in your mouth She says I m
neurotic and have no class What do you think?
Dove S , Eugene
Dear Dave,
H IT \ V js h ii\ t e n Stiver
L j G nu
P7S5O "
I 5OJ -9eJ 5242
L I
O p e n 9L3O-53O
M o n .-5 a t.
The fir s t thing that crosses Uncle Mike's mind ,s that he
must be reaching the bottom of his mail bag
Not knowing you (and you shouldn't confuse this w ith a
desire for the two of us to get together), Uncle Mike cannot in
good fa ith disagree w ith your friend You may be neurotic and
irretrievably gauche But, that you refuse to eat lobster is
hardly damning evidence
If it's any consolation, given a choice between eating an
underwater insect and nothing, Uncle Mike P^ejers^to chew
bark o ff trees
i m u r " " .....