More Stuff
Proving once more that ’f we wait long enough,
the benevolent forces of the marketplace w ill
sa tisfy needs you d>dn t know you had --behold the
battery powered lollipop
No. we re not kidding Yes, it may be time to qet
the passport renewed
The answer to someone s very bored prayer is,
basically speaking, a modified electric toothbrush
designed for suckers and selling at a mall much
too near you a byproduct of a civiliza tio n whose
calls are not being returned by the Mars probe, it
sets a hom b'e new standard for labor saving
devices By merely pushing a brightly colored
button (a feat easily managed by bored primates)
thus signalling your desires to the marvelously
meff iciant penlight battery in the machine s
plactic core, one s mounted lollipop spins at what
one can be sure is a speed that market research
found optimal
One needn't be a personal injury lawyer behind on
h,s BMW payments to sme'l potential disaster The
lollipops supplied are round for good reason Mark
my words, some term inally indulged 8 year old is
going to load the puppy w ith a fla t sucker and beat
her lips into a lawsuit Life is good
Because we were doing our nails that day, we
missed one of the most s tirrin g annual events on
this or any coast Yes. the Mudflats Golf
Tournament
Each year, the gentle (if very odd) natives of
Lincoln City gather in S iletz Bay at low tide (no
fools they) to te rrify clams and raise money for
some very embarassed charity For the record,
nine teams of f've sodden n itw its each raise $300
for the Fur and Feathers W ildlife Rehabilitation
Fund There are many forms of w ild life in Lincoln
City in need of rehabilitation
Rather than draw unwelcome attention to the
winners, we II report that the team from the
Lakeside Golf and Racquet Club (whose members
should all know better) finished third If they d
had had one more person barefooted, Wayne
Thompson, one of those responsible, explained to a
doubtful reporter, "they d have won the whole
th in g " Talk about your agony of defeat
For those out of the loop, mud golfers who slog
through the tidal muck without rubber boots and
innertubes get a two-stroke handicap--in addition
to those they brought w ith them
Giving credit where it's due, the team from
Lincoln County Drug and Alcohol Abuse Task Force
fire d a s ta rtlin g th irty strokes to finish dead last
’ But," as Mr Thompson reported, "they had the
most fun ‘ One hesitates to speculate why Eat
your heart out ESPN
And fina lly, this A bumpersticker spotted on a
vintage Rambler staion wagon U 5. Out of
A m e ric a If anyone can pull it off, we can
Stupid T o u rist Questions (True questions!)
1) ’ Are the public restrooas for everyone'*’
2)
One n ite thing about having your
ou»n newspaper it that folks tell
you stu ff gou wouldn t get to
know otherw ise Last m onths
little tirade on re rg d in g brought
several responses. Hnd
de ligh tfully theg were rnostlg
positive, the business (om m um tg,
especially. were praised for their
e ffo rts and fiscal support of the
Her gtling Program in ( annon
Beoth. Hnd though the restaurant
business is o tough one when it
romes to re tg d m g , it should be
noted tho, Blue Skg in Manzanita
has been ie < yding on a regular
basis and a massive stale for
longer than any other eoterg in
that little tornpr of the edge.
Give Julia a call. She knows that a
good meal isn I really over, even
after the dishes are done, until
everything is returned to its
proper plate in the tg tle .
Hnd this just in ibog, we love this
jobi from I ugene.
Dear Beloved Reverend Hulls,
We ore w ritin g to te ll gou that
we hove to get married. You see.
Rostoe lost his teathing job due
to to rp o ro te greed in Oregon
(Ballot Measure SI.
Srnte health insurante is only
for the re la tive ly privileged
people, and sinte single,
unemployed people don I fo u n t
under our t ountrg s opproarh to
to p ito lism and health we must get
married.
Please don t w orry about us. fit
least for this gear. Roscoe ton he
( overed by Katherine s politg.
litho knows what w ill happen
when Katherine loses her tarhinq
job newt geor ? You see.
to rp o ia tio n s in this state refuse
to pay their fair shore of the
revenue we need to fund sthoots.
Ht thp tourthouse. theg asked
Katherine if she wonted to be
given awog by somebody. Some
things haven t thonged.
We thought about asking gou to
do the rnorrioge. sinte gou are a
Beloved Reverend, hut gou ore too
far away on fhe Upper le f t Ldqe.
Betause we don t see weddmqs
os guilt induted opportunities to
sutk up toasters and tr o tk pots
from friends and fam ily, we are
sending you $10 os o wedding q ift.
In sitkness and health insuronte,
Katherine and Hosrne
I We love this s tu ff!I
Why is it gou qet 5 gears if gou
drop a nppdle in a Pepsi tan. and
sin months if you assault a blot k
man ?
llihy is il LHHON qets to pay its e lf
almost 40 m illion for the to s t of
cleaning up a mess they made?
’ When do the deer turn into e lk ? ’
3) ’ Who decides when the tid e cones in and
goes out'*’
S m rt Local Answers (Hot true answers)
and Trojan is shut down. Is
democracy fun or w hat ?
Why is it we refused to shut down
Trojan for fear of a rate increase
and the loss of jobs, and then we
lose the jobs, get a rote intrease.
1) ’ Ho, you get a peralsslon s lip when you
buy sonething a t one of the shops "
Why rs it that ’ The Hight to life
people shoot dot tors ?
fhesp dogs we hove been
watching too much television. The
Simpsons, the Bundys
Roseanne...ad nouseum
hut...every onte in a while we
in a d ve rte n tly tom e upon
in te llig e n t human beings 'yes on
television, no not the ( ubs i. The
other dog while s iftin g through
fhe thonnels wp tom e upon
possibly the most in te llige nt mole
on the tube. Yes. William T.
Hutkleg, ond to our dptrght,
( horles I olson. W otergate fiqure.
and Born Hgorn Prison Reformer.
U»e w a ll hed I ord But kleg.
defender of the legalization of
drugs, talk w ith the man who
stated he would wolk over his
grandm other to see Hit hard siwon
e le tte d President: about
m onditorg spntenunq. and
p riva tizin g the prison system;
w ell, it wos w hat television tould
he We louqhed. w r trie d , we
listened, wp learnpd. we thouqht
deep thouqhts.
There is a votp turning on a Sales
T oh . Ii»e don t think it is a good
idea. We think universal health
ta re rs a good idea. We thp people
of this country are beinq
m anipulated ond m istreated by
not only our governm ent but hg
nur rorporations. ond until ive
stand up at the ballot bon and the
grot erg store ond thp gas station
things won t < hange.
We are reminded of an old flag,
way batk during fhp original
revolution Ino, not the siMtiesI.
Ihere used to be a flog, before the
slot s ond stripes. The floq was
yellow ond hod a t tilled
rattlesnake ond the words ' Don t
Tread On Me . IT there is a flog
for fhe people of this to u n trg . at
this time, this is it!
Hleu is fishing this month ond.
w ell. Ur. Korkegs detided Io go fly
a kite.
The benefit for Oonno on Sept. 8th,
6 midnight at the thom hei in ( onnon
Beach is to show support for individuals
who spend Iheir own money ond time to
he of help to others. We. so many of us.
have so little time to spend even on our
families and friends: that it is very
im portant when someone does morp
than is even asked. We entourage that
behavior os a tom m um tg and a society.
Oonno ond her fam ily hove w orked tor
gears to let us hear the voices of those
who lived in this land heforp oui
ancestors arrived We entourage gou to
attend, bring tanned goods ond tloth m q
to donate, and some tosh. We promise
good musit and friendship. H donation
of $10 oi more is suggested, hut no one
w ill be turned away. This w ill be
possible the lost tim e to ever see
anyone to llin g themselves Billy
foodstom p ond the W elfare Ranch
Rodeo*.
—
2) ’ U sually a fte r Labor day weekend ’
3) "'Hie C ity Council, they coordinate the
tid e based on Sand C astle Day, so they can
have the longest possible low tid e during
th a t day ’
Remodel • New Corom>ct>an • Service C ilb
Electncal A General Contraccint
BBW76569
lX w l a n d IX iu g h te r K le c tr lc
Box 995 - Cannon Beach. OR 97110
W A l.T L IV E L Y
UfTW Lin IDGt Simim TO3
Lu rn & J
unJ fl. «UeU
0 6 -14 8 4
------------------------------- -—
Bruce Johnston
Gorwral C antroclar
CCB 471672
201 Spnjc«
Goarhnrt. Oregon
97)38
(503)738-6671