Dear U ncle M ike ,
LX jvs tin » - r e a l l y go ( a s te r wh»n y o u 'r e
h a v in g tu n ?
-----S h e lle y in lfc*»J K i w i
L SV E l n
S O P tk) H
IP
FRA W
4500 2 J 54 2S4 22b 7 1669 9 9 ’’ 3192 4142
Dear S h e lle y ,
I t depends on what you c a l l tu n .
[V a t U n cle Mix»-,
Ytju mad«- a n a s ty c ro c k la s t ft n t h about guys
in D ockeri t a - jt in g d r u m and lo o k in g t o r th e
w a r r io r w i t h i n .
What e x a c t ly is w rong, uh g u ru ,
w ith men g e t t in g in t.x x rh w ith th e s p i r i t o f
t h e i r m a s c u lin ity ?
Time s l u t s w ith v e l o c i t y :»>, s t r i c t l y s p a k in g
(and va? s h o u ld ) , i t p*:.s»-s fa s t e s t f o r th o s e
s ta n d in g p e r f e c t l y s t i l l .
H ir e c o r r e c t l y , s in c e
tim e i s in e x t r i c a b l y lin k e d t o e v e n ts (or changes
m s p a c e ), a b s o lu te la ck ■ i n i t m i (o u tla w e d
s in c e 1905) w >uld o ccu r o n ly in th e c o m p le te a b -
scenae o f tim e .
In th e r e a l w o r ld , i f tim e goes
f a s t e s t when y o u 'r e h a v in g fu n , th o s e e n jo y in g
th e m s e lv e s th e n t are h u rn a c le s .
tXi 11, y e s , but t h e r e '
a b r ig h t s id e .
S in ce
mass in c re a s e s w ith v e h v i t y , i t you jog you can
lo s e va -ig h t by s to p p in g .
-----A l m A s to r ia
Dear A l,
U n cle Mik« s c a r c e ly kra>ws where t o b e g in .
F i r s t o f f , wv must d i s t in g u is h betw een your
avowed s e a rc h fo r s p i r i t u a l il l u m i n a t i o n and
pou n d in g on a s to re tx x e jh t drum m h o p 's o f r e
le a s in g a r o m a n tic iz e d m ale a re h e ty p ? .
T h is v is io n q u e s t s t u f f can be t r i c k y , A l,
m l y»>u r e a l l y went t o do y o u r homework.
I I we
can b e lie v e - 2 ,0 0 0 y e a rs o f te s tim o n y l/y an im -
p io s s iv c - a rra y o f m y s tic s , o n e 's s p i r i t u a l e s
sence is n o t gender s p e c i f i c .
C o n tr a r y t o what
c e r t a in d e c o n s tr u c t io n i s t f e m in is t s ami R obert
B ly m ig h t t e l l y o u , th e n - a re no tr iy s p i r i t s
and g i r l s p i r i t s .
TYx-re a re o n ly , d epen ding
on how you lo o k a t th in g s , s h in in g s t a r s and
te a r d r o p s fro m th e eye o f God.
g iv in g on t o th e w o rld o f fo rm , i f ta -a tin g
drums w ith your f e llo w WASP d o n ’ t wannabes g e t3
y u f f , A l, U n c le M ike w iu ld be th e la s t p e r
son t o s ta n d in y o u r way, o r even near yo u .
I t ’ s ju s t t h a t he h a te s t o see a f u l l grown
human im agine t h j t g e t t in g to g e th e r once a w»*ek
t o evoke a v is io n he had a f t e r seeing fiances
W ith W)lv«
w i l l somehow save th e p la n e t.
I t 's
d o u b t f u l i t w i l l even save your m a rria g e .
As someone must have s a id , i t ' s e a s ie r f o r
a t r i b e o f nomads t o s l i p th ro u g h th e eye o f a
n e e d le th a n t o r a m a rk e tin g nunager t o g e t in t o
heaven w ith h is drum .
Dear U n c i" M ik e ,
is
C A r E
3766 y
2 3 0 - 1 ¿31
Some year« ago. B ill James proposed •
leader e n t e in protect timed *1 atandardiaing
p it c h .« «ottona in M th e em lica l torma That it.
pick a pitcher then a in g n « »«lue to each of hia
rhar acter ittic a of delivery lor ina lance
leg Kick
non»
.......................
0
■ light
I
(high up.
knee out ........... ......
2
thigh up.
knee bent ..............
3
log oul.
knee straight ......
4
Juan Marichal ...
10
and <o forth. (or stretch. overhand vs
«idoai a . follow through etc
W ith all of these data, he would feed hia
computer and a aabi a e iric image would result
The purpoee of (h it haa alwaya eluded me I
have « very clear imago of Fergie Jenkins foaating
on my beloved Cardinals (or many year«
Six
twenty win season! with soar» woeful Cuba team«
(Knock it off. H illy:
you know I l a t r u e )
A
llawleas delivery, second only to Seever. a
Click ling lu t b a ll with Gibson lik e movement
Plus above average breaking stu ff, foe a
right hander And he could knock out the clutch
hit now and then too
There 1 a difference betw een a
philosophy and a bum per sticker
Charles M Shultz
Is h o m o s e x u a lity g e n e t ic a lly d e te rm in e d , or
i t a b e h a v io r?
— T in a in P o rtla n d
B ill James make« tome peculiar commend
about Jenkina He lumps Jenkina. Catfish Hunter,
and Robin Roberta in one mass His criteria?
A) Outstanding Delivery
O K . Fergie was good but Hunter could
paint the black w ithin a quarter inch, and pitch,
any inning, any game
Sure. Jenkina only had 997 career walks,
but if you had Cubs and Ranger« defense« behind
you for most of your career you d tend to groove
(hem. too. right? Which brings up Item
HI Very high number of heaaa
runs allowed.
Jenkina pitched moetly in W ngley; Hunter
pitched in Oakland and Yanl.ee Stadium
C) Medium range strikeouts
Ferguson Jenkina ia ninth all time with
3192 K a T h ia i t not m ediu m ian g e Neither waa
hia life
His auither went blind giving him
b irth
She died of cancer whan he waa in his teens
He marries and father a a child
Dear T in a ,
Hia wife dies in an auto accident
in U ncle M ik e 's w i l d l y u n q u a lif ie d o p in io n ,
yes and no.
ow ing t o th e re c e n t d is c o v e r y o f v a r ia t io n s
in a s m a ll s t r u c t u r e o f th e b r a in s between homel
and h e te ro s e x u a l men, and s tu d ie s in d ic a t in g
th a t th e r a t i o o f h e te r o - t o tx m s e x u a ls c r o s s -
c u l t u r a l l y has rem ained h i s t o r i c a l l y c o n s ta n t
a t about 1 :9 w ould seem t o in d ic a te some d i s
t i n c t i o n m o u r g e n e tic hardw are th a t p r e d is
pose:; us t o c e r t a in d a tin g h a b its .
U n c le Mik»- a ls o b e lie v e s , on th e b a s is o f
p 'r s o n a l o b s e r v a tio n , th a t homosexual and b i
s e x u a l b e h a v io r can a r is e frix n th e s o ftw a re o f
o u r e x p e rie n c e . W»- a l l need t o lo ve anti be
lo v e d and s e x u a lit y i s n o t b ip o la r so much as
i t ' s a :;¡» c tru m . Though n o t a l l lo v e is s e x u a l,
and not a l l sex is lo v a b le , th e tw o a re o ld and
in tim a te com panion s.
Men and wi»r»-n, on th e o th e r hand, rx/w c ro s s
tlx s tr e e t t o a v o id each o t h e r .
Sex, f o r most
w r e n , i s an a c t o f t r u s t .
I t i s no lo n g e r
fashi<m at>le f o r women t o t r u s t men, even when
th e y d e s e rv e i t .
As fo r men, b e in g lo a th e o b
je c t s (one s te p down fro m success o b je c ts ) does
n o th in g t o s p u r a c ts o f c o u r t l y lo v e .
Sex w it h
out lo v e is h o llo w b u t i t ' s im p o s s ib le t o lo v e
xxneone y o u ’ re a f r a i d o f .
W re n fe a r men ph ys
i c a l l y , men fe a r women e m o tio n a lly , b o th f o r
good re a s o n .
I t ' s ha rd t o see how we g e t t o
r e s p - c t a irin g e q u a ls fro m h e re .
When wrmen txjy guns and men h id e t h e i r emo
t i o n a l gonads, U ncle M ike i s n o t s u r p r is e d t o
see th e w a lk in g wounded e x p lo r in g s e x u a l a l t e r
n a tiv e s t o d o c t r i n a l tre n c h w a r fa r e .
He gets busted going into Canada lor an
infinitesim al amount of cocaine, delaying h it
election to the Hall of Fame
MIKE'S HIKE SHOE
(5 0 3 ) 430 1200
» ’<
r.o n o \ s it
t .uvu*i n~* b. itti 97110
His doee friends say he ia amasingly H able
in ip ite of thia
He haa maintained h it religion
without auccumbing to despair or tealo(ry and it
very active in community protects
Thia man it in the Hall of Fame
Next month Reggie Jackson
February Quia
" H t did n 't t u ; ‘al dente. ' did k » 7 "
DON PETRIE'S
ITALIAN FOOD COMPANY
613NW Third 265 FOOD
Nye Beach, Newport
Serving M Of Clatsop County
Since 1976
Counseling Psychotherapy
kxkvtdvcUs. Couples & Families
436-9225
• Design • Construction
"Cometol Landscape Spectator*
861 -1468
WoWvngton Stale l«.en»e
• Irrigation • Rockertee
« Sod & Seed Lawns
• Retaining W ale
• W ater Feature*
• Native end
Ornamental Plenfng
• Tractor Services
(50 3 ) 4 3 6 283 2
239 N HEMLOCK • P 0 BOX 906
CANNON BEACH. OR 97110
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
Oeaor liceo*»
¿X. :
43fc ■
Is ■ phone num ber bi ra il In confess ■
your sins. Yoe m n alsn listen Io (he
sins of others.
1) I.ease a message of jo u r sins.
2) ( all bark and du rin g the opening
message punrh in 5 3 7 ,.. wait a sec . . ,
then I . Sow w ail (ill (he (ape rewinds.
(W e gel up Io 30-50 rails a week so be
p atien l). I f ,o u get bored h il 7 Io skip
through message Io the nest one.
. . .
. . . .
. . . .
. . . . . J
la) How many atichea on a baaaball? b) How
many teams?
2) In 1944. Braves RH seta a Ml. record for
(ewest pitches In a game shutting out Cincinnati
2 0 How many? a)36 b)49 c)5® d )66
3) Who am 1?
297 Lifetime. Dodgers one year fielding
leader. CF So. after one game. Stengai goes nuta
and fires ma I have to charter my own plane to
get home This other passenger gets on my nerves,
I start to brawl, and the co pilot brains b m w ith a
fire extinguisher and killa me
4) Who ia thia?
In 1959. I hit 255 with 14 HR and 44 RBIa
I was despondent, and requested and waa granted
a 201 salary decreaae
In I9 6 0 I h it 275 with 17 HR and 63 RBIa.
with increases In hits. 2Ba. runs, and SBa I was
39 year« old
VICTOR H. PLUCY. ITI.A
( A H O i Ì à H M O ,- tw < T
la st
November.
Ferguson
Jenkins'
('.ir lit tend took hia child, drove to a Wheatfield,
and ran a vacuum cleaner into the car and gassed
her salt and the child to death
j
~
|
■
a
|
|
|
•hint Preacher Roe - ’ I pitch him four
wide one« and then I try to pick him off firs t
base *
And now. a NEW FEATUREI
As you recall, last issue I waa lamenting
the atate of Minor league Baaebail.
Send me your beat Minor league atory from
your childhood
Maybe we II even try to contact
the tubiectal Kind of a 'Glory of Their Timee*
with a b it leas glory
Mr Baaebail
P 0 Box 664
Tolovana Park. Or 97145
No winners laal month
Last Month
11 Sandy Koulax
2) Jim Kail
3 1 D enton T ru e Young
4) W hitey Ford
5) Ducky Medwick
6) Bonus -Donnie Moore