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Dear Uncle M ike ,
ii< I recently and I'm ta k in g i t a
l i t t l e h a rd » i than 1 th o u g h t I w »xild. She was
okay w it h i t m ; t l y , tx jt th e r e were tim e s she
Ask
w o n d e rin g i f a l l my l o f t y th o u g h ts abo ut n e x t
l i v e s a r e n 't Just w h is t lin g f a s t th e g ra v e y a rd ,
Any w ords of wistkxn atx>ut d e a th ?
Uncle Mike
— A lic e R ., t o r t land
I>ear A l ic e ,
S o r r y , n o t a one.
(la v in g seen no e v id e n c e
loean't believe in
Dear U n cle M ike,
d e a th as d e fin e d by th o se w ith a p e rs o n a l i n t e r ­
e s t in p ro m o tin g fe a r o f i t .
U n cle M ike b e lie v e s
d e v o u tly in change (n o t th a t he does n o t f i g h t
i t (H M fc iM
t o o t l . i claw) and in the piesti in,
from what t o what?
Mere s th e t h in g , A l ic e .
I f you b e lie v e
L i n s t e in , th e universe is a f«>ui dtaanaicnal
sp h e re in w h ich i.p a c e /tim e i s , w h ile unbounded,
,«■»).
t ha
■ ■
■..
' ■ . ,
U n cle M ike cann t t ,»gine where th e dead w ould
‘
ro b le m wi th c tm -
‘ of mat tec and e n e rg y . Ashes t o ashe s,
d u s t t o d u s t.
As f o r th e ¡ a n t . U n cle M ike r e l i e s on th e
r u le s o f q u a n tu '
m olog y , i r s t s e t o u t m th e
T ib e ta n Book of th e Dead. Freed from i n e r t i a
: v‘l1'
' !
th e s p i r i t ( o r , as U n cle
M ike c a l l s i t , th e p in t o x is c io u d o b s e rv e r)
exp a n d s.
. b w ly .it f i r s t , th e n f a s t e r , u n t i l
i t f i n a l l y reaches th e v e l o c it y o f l i g h t .
As
e x p e rie n c e s g o , t h i s is not one U n cle M ike would
m i ss t o r a l l t he w» >r I d . At v e l i c i t y c , s p a c e /
t or.
md w ith i t , tfie u n iv e rs e ) d is a p p e a rs —
m th e
nanosecond th a t your mass fiecomes
i n f i n i t e and your p e r s p e c tiv e is c o te r m m a l w ith
a l l th a t is .
I t t o u ld not be s t r e t c h in g th in g s
t o c a l l such an e v e n t p e r s o n lly c o s m ic .
My w ife lik e s t o f l i r t and i t d r iv e s me n u ts .
Maybe i f you t e l l her t o s to p , she* w i l l .
-----Fed Up in P a c if ic C it y
Dear Fed Up,
Can I c a l l you Fed?
I'm a f r a id y o u ’ ve come to th e wrong m a il s lo t
U n cle M ike is a sta u n ch d e fe n d e r o f f l i r t i n g .
L ib e r t in e th a t he i s , he re g a rd s i t as th e g la n ­
d u la r c o u n te r p a r t o f l i v e l y c o n v e rs a tio n a nti,
l i k e th e re a d in g o f good books and th e s h o o tin g
o f p o o l, he t h in k s i t sh o u ld be enco uraged.
H i r t i n g i s , i f n o th in g e ls e , a b e h a v io r ram­
p a n tly d is p la y e d th ro u g h o u t th e a n im a l kingdom .
c o v e r t h a t s lu g s f l i r t , a lth o u g h v e ry s lo w ly .
Done w e ll , w hich is t o say when no one ta k e s i t
s e r io u s ly , f l i r t i n g is abo ut as d e s t r u c t iv e as
tu o k it t e n s w ith a h j l l o f y a rn .
Done f x x lly ,
o f c o u rs e , p e o p le have been s h o t.
I f yo u r w i f e 's alw ays been what g re a t grandad
c a lle d 'a c o q u e t t e ', and i f s h e 's o ld e r than
s ix te e n (som e thing U n cle M ike p r o fo u n d ly h o p e s ),
th e chance o f her ch an gin g is one c l i c k t h i s
s id e o f none.
I f s h e 's ju s t s t a r t e d f l i r t i n g ,
y o u ’ ve g o t t r o u b le , Fed. W ith o u t s i t t i n g down
and t a lk i n g w ith you b o th f o r s e v e ra l m onths
(som e thing U n cle M ike is d e l i r i o u s l y u n w illin g
t o d o ) , t h e r e 's l i t t l e way o f know ing w h a t, i f
a n y th in g , has tu rn e d th in g s n a s ty .
Maybe she
ju s t does i t t o d r iv e you n u ts . Women have
been known to do t h a t .
You m ig h t t e l l your w ife th a t i f s h e 's b e in g
d e m o n s tra b ly coy in th e w o rk p la c e , s h e 's f l i r t ­
in g w ith a f e d e r a l c rim e . Any gender s p e c i f i c
b e h a v io r t h a t in t e r f e r e s w ith a c o w o rk e r's jo b
p e rfo rm a n ce comes under th e heading o f h a r r a s s -
m ent.
No, U ncle Mike is n o t k id d in g .
Your
w ife s h o u ld know th a t men a re e a s i ly le d t o day­
dream by women who o n ly meant t o sharpen t h e i r
c la w s on th e je r k s .
4 S O ^5 S A t F RA a v i
B r u t e E. N ir n s , P .C .
LI K ill IK ) PUBlK At ( ( XJNTANT
NiiH.nlin, Imome t j, Wr»Hr
Mwufrmmi a Atiuurtnj
Sr»»«r»
«(•»•liliali
Pjrtiwi»h,in (ixp ufatiu n«
»’■ « « ■»
rt>k.
>»>«iiia 11 1
,,,
Or
■ 1 I
:■ w ible w o rld s,
<*urrent t l
W « **t
\
B o b R it e L . A t .
.
,
by th e way, a l l ows f o r .in i n f i n i t e number o f them.
Anyway, I >r what i t '
w o rth , th e sanest words
on d e a th Unci M ike ever L»ard came t r im W endell
B<•r t . ,
‘ k • ; ;•
■ >t id .lu ck: " i t is no t r a ­
gedy when, a t th e end of a l i f e , a man d i e s . "
r o a u , im i
(a n n o n Broth. OR
•»7110
416-1911
h iO U U L ä l1 &£L1 ESSE *
o f f
M a in
in
on
2nd
T illa m o o k
CANNON BEACHi
J u p i t e r ' s R a re
and U sed B o o k s , C o o k ie C o . ,
C o f f e e C a b a n a , B i l l ' s , T he
l»-r , O s b u i n ' 8 , C a n n o n
¡trying tht public ¡met rbt lair 80^
Dear U n cle M ike,
D S K llH S flH lS
My g i r l f r i e n d ' s t h in k in g about j e t t i n g b re a s t
im p la n ts .
S h e 's 25, o ld enough to make her own
d e c is io n s , arui i t ' s okay by me i f she w ants b ig ­
g e r boobs, b u t a re th e s e th in g s r e a l l y s a te now?
,910 2nd • Tillamook • 842-2299 Wed-Mon 11-5
---C o n c e rn e d in Bend
Dear N i t w i t ,
As U n cle Mike u n d e rsta n d s i t , here is yo u r
q u e s tio n :
s h o u ld th e woman you lo ve h ir e some­
one t o s l i c e open her b re a s ts and shove in a
p a ir o f AMA approved whoopee c u s h io n s so s h e ' l l
m ore c lo s e ly resem ble a beer ad and th e r e fo r e
enhance her sense o f s e lf w o rth ?
B e ing as k in d as p o s s ib le , U ncle M ike d o u b ts
e i t h e r you o r yo u r f r ie n d hav«- th o u g h t th in g s
s u f f i c i e n t l y th ro u g h . T h a t, o r you h a v e n 't g o t
th e b r a in s God gave a p a ir o f ho rse sh o e s.
I f you lo v e t h i s w»man, t e l l her th a t s e x u a l
m a rk e tin g p lo y s th a t in v o lv e s e l f - m u t i l a t i o n a re
n o t , as th e y say in your m en's g ro u p , o k a y .
Suggest th a t she ta k e th e money she was g o in g
t o spend m aking a m ockery o f her g e n e tic d i g n i t y
and b lo w i t on a week f o r th e two o f you some­
p la c e w ith palm t r e e s , massage o i l s , and banana
d a i q u i r i e s -----where you, C oncerned, w i l l do n o th in g
b u t t h in k o f new ways t o im press upon her t h a t ,
j u s t as G od's e lv e s made h e r , her b e a u ty is f o r
you th e a n t id o te to a p o is o n y o u 'v e ta k e n .
And
anyway, y o u 'r e a th ig h man.
f t FAT © IF A ijf jf
J
ndi
9 /1 SB
3
HIDDEN
VILLA
MOTEL
iV /V iC tö
. i* /
m i
OU.L I COTTAGfcS
C l OS! IO BI ACM
VOUR HOST
PATRICK KLALEY
B e .u lt
Book C o . , T he B i s t r o , M id tow n
C a f e , & Once Upon a B r e e z e .
MA N ZA N IT A i M. tn z a n 1 1 a News
and E s p r e s s o .
IILLAMOOKi Muddy W a te r s T ea
and C o f f e e C o . , £» R a in y Day
B ooks.
NESKOWINi T he Hawk C r e e k C a f e .
NEWPORTi Don P e t r i e ' s I t a l i a n
fo o d C o ., & O cean a.
EUGENE i The WOW H a l l , &. KLCC.
ASTORIAi KMUN, C o lu m b ia C a f e ,
T he Com m unity S t o r e , & b l a c k
C at A n tiq u e s .
SLASID Ei T u rn a ro u n d B o o k s ,
E a r t h t id e .i, C a fe E s p r e s s o
PORTLAND! T he G o o se H o llo w
In n , P o w e l l 's B ooks (B u r n s id e
and H a w th o r n e ) , M u sic M ille n n iu m
( B u r n s id e and 2 3 r d ) , T he L a u r e l -
t h i r s t , L o c a l s O n ly , Key L a r g o ,
L a s t A v e . T a v e r n , and many m o re.
Our yogurts £> kefirs are as tasty
^ a s "Sugar M agnolia”...
...but few er
calories.
(SOJ) 436 ¿237
’ e ö t ' VAN BuHfcN
pò
■
— B om 4?6
CANNON
t ACH. OA
•
J
Cultured Dairy
and toy Prod art I
IIIIIH I
( A I L U A L D E N I S O N FO R P R O F E S S IO N A I
P H O T O G R A P H IC S E R V IC E S A T 4 3 6 1 5 0 9
I f I ’ m a t m y r e g u l a r j o b c a l l A l a n M c M a k in
a t 8 6 1 2 9 3 1 in H a m m o n d .
The Thirddye
1235 S. HEMLOCK
Cannon Beach
7 AM — 2 PM
Breakfast & Lunch
Closed Mon. & Tues.
GRATEFUL OEAO
HEADQUARTERS
- H a n d ic T B f t A Import*
-TotwxxM A Plpri
-F m a i Selection of
-C ry iu li A JewtJry
Tie -Dyed Qothtng m
—Book) A Zinci
ihr Northwe«
-ftx ie n
-Herbal Smakm| M imi urn
M o n . . S a t . 1 1 -«
3950 S.E. Hawthorne Blvd. Sund*’' ” -7 232-3EYE
7
I
j
A< upurw ture — ( hirw-w Herb» — Matwtge
t o th e u n iv e r s a l c u iv a tu r e o f s p a c e /tim e , th a t
lu r e s us h a ck, s h r ie k in g and t h r a s h in g , in t o
' • ‘
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