The upper left edge., December 01, 1992, Page 10, Image 10

D ear ''n e l e M ike,
Ask
Uncle M ike
I 'v e t r n < l s e l f - h e l p brx>ks, s o why n o t
y o u ? I 'm f o r t y , h av e c l o s e f a m i ly an d
f r i e n d ; ; , a wxxnan I lo v e a n d g o o d k i d s n e a r l y
g ro w n . Not t h e d rea m , t u t c l o s e .
So why d o
I f e e l so d is c o n n e c te d l a t e l y ?
L ik e m ore
t h a n e n o u g h 's n o t e n o u g h . My w i f e s a y s I 'm
h a v in g a m i d l i f e c r i s i s a n d s h o u ld j o i n a
m e n 's g r o u p . What do y o u t h i n k ?
I 'm a s i n g l e m in , t h i r t y s o m e t h i n g , an d
I t h i n k I'm a s e r i a l m o n o g a m is t.
I 'm n o t
a j e r k o r a u s e r a n d p e o p le t e l l me I 'm a
n ic e guy.
1 t o t a l l y e n jo y my r e l a t i o n s h i p s
w i t h women, t u t Mx?y w ind up b e in g j u s t
t h a t -----e p i s o d e s w i t h \ b e g i n n i n g , a m id d le
a n d a n e n d . We b o th s t a r t o f f t h i n k i n g
t h i s o n e ’ s i t , t u t s o m e th in g a lw a y s f i z z l e s
fo r one of u s .
Is l i f e a tre a d m ill?
Is
t h e r e s o m e th in g h e r e I 'm n o t g e t t i n g ?
-----Jo h n in N e s tu c c a
D ear Jo h n ,
T h i s i s a to u g h n u t f o r U n c le M ike t o
c r a c k s i n c e , i n y o u r h e a d lo n g r u s h t o b u r ­
d e n o t h e r s w i t h y o u r p r o b le m s , you n e g l e c t e d
t o s a y hexv s e r i a l y o u r mnrxxjamy i s .
S in c e
y o u a s s u r e U n c le M ike you a r e n e i t h e r a j e r k
n o r a l o s e r , we w i l l a ssu m e y o u r a v e r a g e
r e l a t i o n s h i p i s l o n g e r ttw n a s k i w e e k e n d .
I f s o , you h a v e s u f f e r e d a s e r i e s o f b r i e f
m a r r i a g e s p u n c t u a t e d by b r i e f d i v o r e s .
Ttiat U ncle M ike w as a b l e t o g u e s s t h i s r i g h t
o f f g i v e s a n i n k l i n g o f how u n iq u e y o u r s i t ­
u a tio n i s n 't .
T h is s a i d , b o l d l y on t o y o u r p r o b le m .
F i r s t o f f , J o h n , y o u 'r e e i t h e r a n i t w i t o r
a re a l k id d e r.
You " t o t a l l y " e n jo y y o u r
r e l a t i o n s h i p s w i t h women? Do you d o t h i s
w h i l e w a lk in g o n w a t e r a n d h e a l i n g t h e lam e?
We’ l l g e t n o w h e re i f you d o n 't t e l l U n c le
M ike t h e t r u t h .
U n c le M ike h a s no id e a
w h e re y o u w e re d u r i n g t h e s e r e l a t i o n s h i p s
you f a l l i n a n d o u t o f , t u t t h e t r u t h i s
t h a t men a n d women h a v e no e n d o f t r o u b l e
g e t t i n g a lo n g .
T h is may o r nwy n o t lie b e ­
c a u s e t h e y e v o lv e d on d i f f e r e n t p l a n e t s ,
b u t t h e i r m adcap .a d v e n tu r e s in m is u n d e r ­
s t a n d i n g a n d v e n g e a n c e h a v e f u e l e d a nnn~
b e r o f G re e k t r a g e d i e s .
H is to ric a lly ,
t h e y 'v e s t a y e d t o g e t h e r , t h r o u g h t h i c k a n d
u g l y , in o r d e r t o s u r v i v e a n d r e a r c h i l d r e n .
N e i t h e r t h i n k s t h i s i s fu n n y a n y m o re .
T h ia ,
a l o n g w i t h t h e b r a v e new fre e d o m s t h a t s e l f ­
is h n e s s and i r r e s p o n s i b i l i t y b r in g , a c c o u n t
f o r m o st o f t h e d i s c o n t e n t a n d s p o n ta n e o u s
d e c a y b e tw e e n t h e g e n d e r s .
I t i s y o u r w h in in g a b o u t r e l a t i o n s h i p s
h a v in g a b e g i n n i n g , m id d le , a n d e n d t l i a t
s h o u ld c o n c e r n y o u . What i n n a t u r e d o e s
n o t p r o g r e s s t h r o u g h a c y c l e ? A lth o u g h
U n c le M ike h a s n e v e r d o n e i t , h e im a g in e s
t h e t r i c k t o m ir in g f o r l i f e i s t o e x te n d
tlx» m id d l e -----t h e p a r t w h e re y o u 'r e b e s t
f r i e n d s w o rk in g to w a rd a conmon g o a l -----
u n t i l o n e o r t h e o t h e r o f you c r o a k .
D e a r U n c le M ike,
I 'm 2 6 ,
I ’ v e g o t a g r e a t, b o y f r i e n d , we
g e t a lo n g f i n e a n d we lo v e e a c h o t h e r .
So
w h a t 's my p ro b le m ? The r a t b a s t a r d k e e p s
l o o k i n g a t o t h e r women. He know s i t m akes
me n u t s .
I t 's not lik e h e ’s g ro ss about i t ,
b u t t h e t h o u g h t 's w hat c o u n t s .
A re a l l men
ho u n d s?
- - - C o n n ie in Newt-erg
D e a r C o n n ie ,
A b s o lu te ly n o t.
.Many men a r e n e r e p o t e n ­
t i a l h o u n d s — t h e W a lt e r Mi t t y s o f dogdom .
Not u n l i k e y o u r b o y f r i e n d w hen h e f i r s t a p ­
p e a r e d b e f o r e y o u , t h e a p p a r e n t a n sw e r t o
y o u r d rea m s.
P o l i t i c a l c o r r e c t n e s s a s i d e , C o n n ie , you
n e v e r w ant t o f o r g e t t h a t , e v e n i n B i r k e n -
s t o c k s , w e 'r e s t i l l p a r t o f t h e w i l d k in g d o m .
R a t h e r t h a n g o on a n d on w i t h l i v i d a n e c d o t e s
fro m h i s own p a s t , U n c le M ike s u g g e s t s you
p i c k up a g o o d book o n p r im a te h e h a v i o r a n d
t r y h a r d e r t o n o t i c e w hat g o e s on a r o u n d y o u .
U n c le M ike i s n o r o c k e t p s y c h o l o g i s t , t u t
h e 's w i l li n g to b e t t h a t , Jo h n th e B a p tis t
a n d P e t e r tlx» H e rm it b e i n g d e a d , few men
b r e a t h i n g d o n o t g a m b o l, a t l e a s t m e n t a l l y ,
o n s t r a n g e la w n s .
L ik e M t. E v e r e s t , t h e
la w n s a r e t h e r e , a s i s t h e c a l l o f t h e w i l d .
Or a t l e a s t t h e d i f f e r e n t . T he t r i c k , a s
a n y d o m e s t i c a t e d m i l e w i l l a d m it when h e 's
n o t m o p in g , i s t o n o t a c t o u t o n e 's r i b a l d
f a n t a s i e s on a n u n s u s p e c t i n g w o r l d .
I f y o u 'r e l o o k in g f o r p r e v e n t a t i v e m ea­
s u r e s (n o t t o be c o n fu s e d w ith t r a i n i n g ',
" n c l e M ike w o u ld s u g g e s t :
not le ttin g your
h o u n d ru n f r e e a t n i g h t , s a y i n g "Good Boy"
a l o t , a n d g i v i n g him t r e a t s when h e d o e s n 't
o g le .
R a /O n P r i r t b
— A d rift in A sto ria
k
D ear T k l r i f t ,
D e a r U n c le M ike,
U n .q u e
Y o u 'v e come t o U n c le M ike j u s t i n t i m e .
F i r s t o f f , you n eed t o f a c e f a c t s .
In a
s p a c e / t i m e c o n ti n u u n i n w h ic h e a c h o b j e c t /
e v e n t ( y o u r a n g s t r id d e n o r g a n is m i n c l u d e d )
is in s e p a ra b le frn r e v e ry o th e r , f e e lin g
d i s c o n n e c t e d com es u n d e r t h e h e a d in g o f
b r ir k h e o d e d m i^ u n d e r s t a n d in g .
K afk a a s i d e ,
i s o l a t i o n i s a fio m e n t o f o u r p e r c e p t i o n s ,
n o t in a s p e c t o f r e a l i t y .
U n le s s , o f c o u r s e ,
y o u 'r e a h a d m im e.
When U n c le M ike a s k s h i m s e l f ( a s h e o f t e n
d o e s in k a r a o k e b a r s ) , Why i s t h e r e a u n i ­
v e r s e a n d why w o n 't i t d o w hat I w a n t? , h e
m ust f i n a l l y co p t o t h e f a c t t h a t i t ' s d a i n g
w h a t i t s h o u ld anri w h a t h e ' s d i s c o n n e c t e d
fro m i s h i m s e l f .
He i s p e r h a p s g a u g in g h i s
l i f e fcy s i l l y s t a n d a r d s , c o m p a rin g h i m s e lf
t o E r r o l F ly n n , M ahatma G h a n d i, o r ( i f h e 's
r e a l l y i n a f u n k ) C ra z y H o r s e .
CXir w o r ld , l i k e it. o r n o t , i s a r e f l e c t i o n
o f o u r a c ti o n s in i t .
Your f r i e n d s , y o u r
f¿ w illy , ind y o u r m o rtg a g e w u l d n o t be t h e r e
a s you s e e them i f i t v*»re n o t f o r y o u . You
a r e m u tu a l c r e a t i o n s a n d , i n s t e a d o f p i c k i n g
r e a l i t y t o d e a t h . U n c le M ike s u g g e s t s you
t r y f a l l i n g i n lo v e w i t h i t a g a i n .
As f o r m e n 's g ro u p s, U n c le M ike p r e f e r s
p l a y i n g p o k e r t o c o n d u c ti n g g ro u p s e a r c h e s
f o r th e w a r rio r w ith in .
No m a t t e r w h at i t
s a i d i n t h e U tn e R e a d e r, a d o z e n s e n s i t i v e
guy* in D o c k e rs b e a t i n g d n x n s d o e s n o t c o n ­
s titu te a trib e .
for W om en /
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