HI AME I T ON THE STARS
A2ARIUS:
T im e t o f a c e f a c t s .
The
e y o u 'v e t a k e n o n s u c k s , a s t h e y
s a y , b ig tim e .
Y o u 'v e r u n t h i s h o r s e
to i t s k n e e s , b u c k a ro o , and i t ' s
t im e
t o w a lk .
As M a rc u s A u r e l i u s m u s t
h a ^ e s a i d , " T h e r e 's n o t h i n g t o i t b u t
to do i t . -
As my mom s a i d , " I f y o u ' r e
b o re d , go o u t and p la y . "
S he a l s o
s a i d , " Y o u 'r e d r i v i n g me n u t s , " b u t
s h e may n o t h a v e b e e n t a l k i n g a b o u t
you.
C o m m a n de r Z o d ia c
X-
?
ft"
A R IE S :
H e re y o u a r e a g a i n , y o u
□ l i t t l e * m u n c h k in , p o i s e d o n t h e s l i p
p e ry edge o f a d v e n tu re .
no n o t go
s la p d a s h i n t o t h e f i r s t d a y o f w h a t ’ s
le ft o f your lif e .
Y o u 'r e o n t h e
r i g h t t r a c k b u t c a n s t i l l be d e r a il e d
w h im s y .
o r g re e d , lu s t , e n v y * li I
js lo th , fo r th a t m a tte r.
Bon v o y a g e .
7
CANCER ;
The w e ll- b e in g and r i g h t a c -
t io n t h a t h a v e e m e rg e d f r o m t h e l u n a -
3 2 t i r ‘»wamp y o u r .• -e n e h.i 1 I
.ir e
n o t ju s t a n o th e r o f l i f e ' s s a d is t ic
jo k e s .
You r e a l l y a r e r e a p i n g t h e
s e e d s y o u ’ ve s o w n .
G ood w o rk i
i
S w ays re w a rd e d .
A s id e f r o m a p o t e n
t i a l l y n a s t y e p is o d e w i t h a t u r t l e
th e 1 2 th , i t ’ s y o u r p a r t y and you
can pass o u t i f yo u w ant t o .
CEO:
I f th e v e lv e t g r a p p lin g h o o ks
o f f a t e w e r e n ’ t p u l l i n g in s e v e r a l
d i r e c t i o n s , y o u 'd h a v e no p r o b le m s
ill.
y o u h a v e p r o b le m s .
Set p r i o r i t i e s .
I f t h i s w e re t h e l a s t d a y o f y o u r
l i f e , how w o u ld y o u s p e n d i t ?
If
y o u a n s w e re d t r y i n g t o m eet e v e r y
o n e 's e x p e c t a t i o n s , y o u ' r e a n i t w i t ,
bo w h a t n e e d s d o i n g .
E s p e c ia lly on
t h e 5 t h , t h i s s h o u ld n o t i n v o l v e
t r a m p o l i n e s , p o w e r e q u ip m e n t , o r a
new l o v e r w ho w e a r s a b a s e b a l l c a p .
i " - HGO:
When t h e g o i n g g e t s w i e r d ,
V i r g o » p a s s f o r n o r m a l.
The s e n s e
o f o r d e r and p u rp o s e you p r o je c t is ,
a s yo u w e ll kn o w , a h o llo w sham .
Your l i f e
is r e a lly a n e u r o tic p in -
j b a l l game o f g u i l t a n d d e n i a l .
Hut
¡ b l e s s t h e i r s c r a m b le d l i t t l e
h e a d s ,'
p e o p le s t i l l c o u n t o n y o u f o r r o o f
in g n a i l s a n d a c a r t h a t r u n s .
Some
t im e a f t e r t h e 1 8 t h , a p e r s o n w h o s e
nam e b e g in s w i t h a n L , 0 , V , A, Y,
? r i n * ! 11
tO b o r r o w m o n e y .
Laugh
in t h e ir fa c e .
L IB R A
I f y o u w a n t h a rm o n y t h i s
p m ont h
y o u ' l l n e e d t o m ake i t y o u r -
n ' 1 f .
R e s t r i e t y o u r c e a s e le s s j u d g -
m ent s to t h i s :
t h e r e , b u t f o r th e
A g r a c e o f dum b l u c k a n d b a c k o r d e r
S k a rm a , go I .
T h e b a la n c e y o u ' r e
^ l o o k i n g f o r i s w h a t y o u s e e w hen y o u
c lo s e y o u r e y e s .
A v o id a c t u a r i a l
t a b l e s a n d r o l l e r b l a d e s o n t h e new
m oon.
ask uncle mike
Dear
U n c le
M ik e ,
B ra d a n d
Eugene
Dear
H u ffy
U n c le
Dear
M ik e ,
A ! r i e n d o f m in e w h o ’ s b e e n m a r
r ie d fo r s e v e ra l y e a rs has s ta r te d
a n a f f a i r w i t h a woman a t h i s o f f i c e .
in
« 4 « .r *
D e a r U n c le
M ik e ,
My n e p h e w i s f o u r .
H is p a r e n t s
c a l l h im ' s p i r i t e d ' ,
I c a l l h im a
s p o ile d m enace.
M a r k i e 's l a t e s t
c u te n e s s i s b i t i n g .
W e 'r e t a l k i n g
a n k le s , f in g e r s , and on one o c c a s -
s i o n , my b u t t o c k s .
H is m o t h e r , my
s i s t e r , la u g h s a n d t e l l s M a rk h e ' s
n o t b e in g p o l i t e .
Any s u g g e s tio n s ?
R a b id
in
N e w p o rt
D e a r R a b id ,
U n c le M ik e f i r m l y b e l i e v e s o n e
s h o u ld n e v e r c o n t r a d i c t t h e t e a c h
in g s o f p a r e n t s w h i l e t h e y a r e i n
e a rs h o t.
R a th e r th a n c r e a t i n g a c o n f l i c t
in l i t t l e
M a r k 's m o r a l f r a m e w o r k ,
U n c le M ik e s u g g e s t s y o u w a i t f o r a
q u i e t m om ent w hen t h e tw o o f y o u
a re a lo n e .
S i t th e l i t t l e
w h e lp
o n y o u r k n e e , lo o k h im s t r a i g h t i n
t h e e y e , a n d b i t e h i s th u m b u n t i l
h e s c re a m s u n c l e .
T e l l h im t h i s i s t h i s i s t h e l e s
s o n c a l l e d " L i t t l e Dog a n d B ig D o g "
and a s k i f t h e r e 's any p a r t o f i t
he d o e s n 't u n d e r s ta n d .
For pick-up or
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and h a te t o
I b u tt o u t
B u tt in , by a l l m eans.
A 1 1 h o u g h , n c l e M ik e i s o l d e n o u g h
n o t t o d o u b t th e h e a lin g p o w e r o f a
f l i n g w i t h a f e l l o w hum an w ho k n o w s
h im o n l y w e l l e n o u g h t o f i n d h im e x
c i s i n g , i t u s u a lly e n d s in p a in and
s a d n e s s i f a n yo n e e ls e is in v o lv e d .
I t u s u a lly e n d s in p a in and s a d
ness anyw ay.
S u g g e s t t o y o u r f r i e n d t h a t , he
s t o p t o y i n g w i t h t h i s new w o m a n 's
a f f e c t io n s and ly in g th ro u g h h is
t e e t h t o s o m e o n e w h o 's s u p p o s e d t o
be h i s b e s t f r i e n d .
B e in g a h o u n d i s n o e n d o f f u n ,
b u t i t d o e s n ' t h o l d a c a n d le t o k e e p
in g y o u r w o rd t o so m e o n e w ho t r u s t s
you.
S h e r r ie
F i r s t o f f . U n c le M ik e t h i n k s i t ' s
h ila r io u s and f r ig h t e n in g th a t a n y
o n e w o u ld a s k a t o t a l s t r a n g e r t o
m ake t h e i r e t h i c a l d e c i s i o n s f o r
th e m .
He w o n d e r s i f y o u 'v e n e v e r
h e a rd o f th e I C h in g .
I h l .4 s a i d , we p r e s s o n .
Is i t p o l i t i c a l l y c o r r e c t f o r a
m a le hum an t o o p e n a d o o r f o r a f e
m a le hum an?
P r o b a b ly n o t .
A ll g e n d e r based
a c t s a r e s u s p e c t ----- a s w e l l t h e y
s h o u ld b e , g i v e n o u r m u t u a l t r a c k
r e c o r d o f e m o tio n a l a t t r o c i t i e s com
m i t t e d i n t h e name o f h o rm o n e t o x
i c i t y a n d a f e a r o f b e in g a l o n e .
B e ca u se he ta k e s g r e a t p r id e in
h i s p o l i t i c a l i n c o r r e c t n e s s . U n c le
M ik e o p e n s d o o r s f o r women r e l e n t
le s s ly .
He a l s o p i c k s up t h e lu n c h
c h e c k , lig h t s t h e ir c ig a r e tte s a nd ,
i f he k n o w s th e m w e l l , c o m p lim e n t s
t h e ir a p p e a ra n c e .
O n ly r a r e l y d o
th e y s p it in h is fa c e .
Some o f th e m
h a v e b e e n b r o u g h t up w e l l e n o u g h t o
s a y th a n k v o u .
U n c le M i k e 's f e e l i n g a b o u t t h e
t ren< h w a r f a r e r a g i n g b e tw e e n x a n d
V c h ro m o s o m e s i s summed up b y N o rm a n
M a ile r
i n w h a t may w e l l be t h e o n l y
h e a lt h y th o u g h h e 's had on th e s u b
je c t :
"M o s t o f t h e p r o b le m s w o u ld g o
a w a y i f men t o l d women t h e y w e re b e a u
t i f u l a n d women t o l d men t h e y w e re
b ra v e ."
1 j t h i s . U n c le M ik e w o u ld o n l y a d d
t h a t t h e l i n e s s h o u ld be s w it c h e d
d a ily .
D ear
Leon
and M u ffy ,
D e liv e ry
D ia l 4 D o c Doi
( 4 3 6 -2 3 6 2 )
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Y o u ' ve a lw a y s k n o w n y o u r
w o u ld come in a n d , o n c e a g a in
i m o n th , y o u ' ve b e e n r o b b e d ,
e , ke e p s c o r e . and p e r s e v e r e in
1 th in g s .
K eep y o u r p a r a n o id
s i o n s t o y o u r s e l f , t a k i n g n o m o re
s u re in th e m is f o r t u n e s o f scum -
s th a n is n e c e s s a ry f o r good
r.
J u s t w a it.
Your chance w ill
and th e n t h e y ' l l s e e .
I know and l i k e h is w if e
see t h is hap p en .
S h o u ld
o r b u t t in ?
My g i r l f r i e n d a n d I h a v e b e e n
d e b a t i n g o u r p o s i t i o n s f o r a m o n th
now a n d h a v e a g r e e d t o l e t y o u d e -
c id e .
Is i t p o l i t i c a l l y c o r r e c t
f o r a man t o o p e n a d o o r f o r a wo-
man?
She s a y s i t ' s a m a le p o w e r
t h in g , I say i t ' s
j u s t b e in g p o l i t e ,
w hat do you t h in k ?
M . 4M . I M l « 4 M .
You r man t r a t h i s m o n th
is :
s a t y r s w i l l be s a t y r s .
S to p
b i t i n g y o u r k n u c k le and d i ve i n .
T h e u n i v e r s e n e e d s y o u r ma n i c s p i r -
i t u a l g l e e t o m ake up f o r a 11 t h o s e
C a p r ic o r n s .
S e t th e d i a l to F u ll
G a l l o p , le a v e g o o d c h e e r a n d s i g h s
in y o u r w ake, and ta k e you r v i t a -
m in s .
On t h e 1 6 t h , y o u ' l l b e i n
B a rb a d o s .
O r m a yb e a t r o p i c a l b a r
w it h a la r g e c a n d le .
Your w a it e r ' s
nam e w i l l b e J e ro m e a n d h e •1 1 be
l y i n g a b o u t th e p r im a v e r a .
Y° U c o u l t , n ’ t B»iss t h i s m o n th
t r ie d .
W h ic h , k n o w in g y o u , y o u
'
am m ess has c o
a l e s c e d i n t o s o m e t h in g v a l u a b l e .
As
u s u a l, y o u ' l l s q u a n d e r i t w it h a b a n
don.
o n t h e 1 2 t h , t h e m oon t r a n s
g r e s s e s y o u r h o u se o f s i l l y d e c is io n s
B e tw e e n 1 1 : 3 0 a n d m i d n i g h t ; so m e o n e
w i l l s t ic k t h e ir fin g e r p la y f u lly
in to yo u r e a r.
T h e y w i l l o n l y be
fo o lin g .
S C O R P IO :
T h e h a m m e rin g c o n t i n u e s
t h i s m o n th .
P o w e r t r i p s s t a c k up
l i k e c o rd w o o d and y o u r e t h ic s ca n
b ecom e, i f y o u 'r e n o t c a r e f u l, d e
lir io u s ly s it u a t io n a l.
E ven i f y o u
know i t ' s
a l i e , a c t as i f th e r e
w e r e m o re t o l i f e
th a n s e x a n d d e a th
The r e s t o f us a re t r y i n g t o h a v e
fu n .
B e w a re o f T a u r u s e s b e a r i n g
g ifts .
S A c11 TAR I U S :
~ :>
you
t j A ' 1' '
A h , A u tu m n !
T he le a v e s a r e
t u r n i n g , t h o new s i t c o m s e a s o n i s u p o n
ju s .
A n d , a s u s u a l , y o u ’ r e i n a g ru m p .
G iv e i t a r e s t .
I f you th in k l i f e ’ s
n o t m e a s u r in g u p n o w . j u s t w a i t u n t i l
we h i t S c o r p i o a n d y o u s t a r t y o u r t r a
d i t i o n a l h o lid a y s h o r t c i r c u i t .
Eor
t h e s a k e o f y o u r lo v e d o n e s , e a t
c o o k ie and ta k e a n a p .
(. EM I N I :
O nce a g a i n , y o u 'v e t a k e n f o o t
lo o s o a n d fa n c y f r e e p a s t a l l r a t i o n a l
lim its .
N ot to w o r r y , th e good w i l l
y o u ' v e s t o r e d l i k e a c o r n s am ong t h e
th o u s a n d s in y o u r c i r c l e a r e a s r e a l
a s t h e m o n e y y o u w is h y o u h a d i n t h e
bank.
C a l l y o u r mom a n d s t a y a w a y
fro m h e l i c o p t e r s on th e f u l l m oon.
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