SAGITTARIUS: You re about to
become filthy nch. you lucky hum
Your ship, and more importantly your
Lotto number comes in Unless some­
thing else in your chart makes you a
hopeless mope. you'll win $10 million,
quit your job. desert your friends, thumb
your nose at your in laws. and buy a
decadent villa on the Cote d'Azur You’ll
never have to worry about anything, ever
again The single gap in your life w ill he
your need for a personal astrologer
By Grandma Zodiac
f t
ARIES Your Lunar cycle is e spa
ciaiiy bizarre and twisted this month
The image you present to the outside
world seldom anything to write home
about wiH be even more pushy and
rude The bad news is that you're
entirely unaware you're behaving lAe
a tuiibtow sociopath You'll be
moving again
'V *
CAPRICORN Ever wonder why you re
here ’ What, as George Bush says, the
life thing is all about-’ This month, the
answer comes in spades Just as you
thought. you re here to suffer unfairly
and then die There's no sense sugar
ciuting the truth the hammer blows
have only begun Pain and humiliation
beyond imagining, friend Trust me,
before it s over . you'll look b.kk on days
that only tore your heart out and shred
ded your dreams and smile Avoid
flirtations and take long naps
TAURUS The planetary password
lor Taureans this month is.
Whoopee1 Venus and Jupiter
con|ucting (as they say) in the House
of Fun A Games means that noth
ing but nothing, can go wrong Kiss
strangers, bungee |ump from para
pets quit your stupid job Romance
to say nothing of cheap escapades
will be hard to avoid So will cose
quences On the lull moon, you II
meet som'«one wearing a sarong
who’ll try to sell you baskets
PISCES Your latest horrible mess, the
one involving the dancing girls, the duck
decoys, and the emergency vehicle will
he resolved You II prohably not go to
jail after all A suqwise witness, possibly
driving a Rambler, will reveal that none
of it would have happened {certainly not
the explosions) had it not been for the
llamas Wear pink at the trial
CANCER For those bom under the
sign of the crab (a distant relative of
the body louse) the stars point to
gain or loss via the written word The
planets, as you may or may no,
know are in motion this month, so
details are a little tricky to pm down
This much is clear you will either
write a profile of Madonna for Na­
tional Geographic, or be sued by
someone in an Italian suit Reorgan
ize your Rolodex
r
LIBRA For Librans. the sign of the
unbalanced June is the month of
children Issues of authority, free
dorn. and genetic mutations anse
Dr Spock meets Clockwork Orange
When dealing with apprentice
humans, something you should
avoid, trust to your instincts and carry
a cattle prod To say you will be
tested is to laugh at the nghtmansh
truth Under no circumstances play
Cowboys and Indians
SCORPIO June is a good time for
those obssessed with powor. secrecy
and sen fo get back to their spiritual
roots You are driven to question
your place in the Cosmic Whatnot
You'll ask yourself. If I'm really
master of the universe, can I sell it?
I, I wen, away, would space/time
know what i, had lost? If cold is the
absence of heat, what is gelato the
absence of? If time doesn't exist,
why is yesterday easier to forget
than tomorrow? Who do I have to
talk to to ge, laid?
LIGHTHOUSE
BREW PUB
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LEO Time for lions to lash them
selves to the mast Romance
doesn't just bloom, it drags you
shrieking and thrashing from the
sidewalk Owing to the way oool
alignment between Sgnis Cuerne-
vaca and Tyrannosaurus Rex.
everyone you meet will be wildly
attracted to you Play them like so
many trout During the new moon
avoid squash courts and shops
specialnng m marital aids
VIRGO As usual life this month will
be hart empty The best you can
hope for is slow progress in mean
ingless things, nitpicking and whining
all the while You'll find yourself
asking. Why can't existance measure
up9 On the bright side, the ugly
episode involving a pet is resolved,
possibly by gunfire Your rash clears
up. but doesm go away You won!
actually be fired Worry and dread,
old friends by now gnaw at your
bowels Eat more ruffage For an
hour or two on the 19th, you'll have a
glimmer of lalse hope
.
I.WMd*C4» s
A Q l'A R II'S: Those born under the
sign ol the waitress will he footloose
and fancy free this month Travel to
exotic places couldn't be more obvious
il the planets quick marched into a neon
s gn saying, Hon Voyage Charlie* Go
ahead and go Why n o t' Sure other
people can't take fancy vacations but
why should that bother you ’ May lx*
you'll catch some tropical disease and
your body parts will fail off ITiatII be
too bod
GEMINI Listen very carefully If
you're Gemini the sign of the travel
ing sales reps, it's crucial you not
leave the house this month They're
wading tor you All of them Your
mail carrier is in up to his eyebrows
and is swabbing your mail with
crawfish virus For God's sake .
d o n l answer the phone Or. lor that
matter eat cottage cheese Don't
say you weren't warned - f X
A z
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9
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Telephone 4M4-O512 j
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A R C A D IA L A N D S C A P IN G
g C O L O O lC A L
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tt C O N S U L T A T IO N S E R V IC E S
U S IN G IN T E G R A T E D F IS T M S N A B I M t N T
tt O R G A N IC G A E D B N IN C T E C H N IQ U E S
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M e m b e r of Oregon I ilth
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