9
THE TORCH OF REASON, H L V E R IO N . OREGON, THURSDAY, OCTOBER 6, 1898.
and had his team run aw ay and
over him , lie forthw ith swore th a t
MY WILD MAN.
he had been assaulted by the W ild
Man. L ittle boys with vivid imag-
BY TOM P. MORGAN.
i ¡‘latioi.K frequently saw bin, in th e
I thought I was am ar', very '« 'l i t ht se a ,tin g into the timber,
sm art, when I invented th at W ild * '« • the oldest in h ab itan t am i hig-
Man, anti through the colum ns of P " '¡ar vowed he had seen his
the Daily Kaz,toper turned him tracks in the mud, and th a t they
loose in Onion township and vicin- were small compared w ith those of
ily to terrify the in h ab itan ts thereof 'h e wild man th a t he ha,I seen ’way
till the verv hair in their veins was l,aca W 38.
alm ost curdled with fright. A sen-
I‘
80 ‘h a t the W ild Man,
sation wa« wanted by the RnZooper, even if im aginary, was one of the
of which I was a special correspond- most useful citizens of Onion town-
ent, and I determ ined to furnish -h ip . No longer fond m others ter-
one th a t would cause the very ritied their offspring by th rea ts of
booger.”
v breath
*1 of c the com m unity to stand
...i the “ booger
At the revival in
» ”
The result of l ^ a t 1't‘igl,l>°rhood Rev. W hooptext,
erect, so to sp eak ,
m u ch th in k in g w as a tw ,»-colum n : in describing S atan, whom he pic-
article with “ scare” head-lines ! " ired aH ' v”r r”ady lo ”«ize th e
seven stories high, telling in shiverv , fl' " " er
,l ” ’ 811rPluH 8,41,1 of hls
sentences, each with Ice down it8 " e c k and jerk him from happiness
sim ply scandalous when blackened
except around the eyes and m outh,
where it whs painted red.
Hang-
,
.
mg to mv ears were large rings,
•
and around my neck was a string
After he had given me the most
thorough flailing I ever beard of,
,he far,,lf,r and his « irl d ™gg«i me
off to the school-house, in spite of
, ,,
. . .
my m um bling and incoherent ap-
p(.a js
of im itation claws.
A ltogether I
My appearance there was the
felt com petent to surprise the audi- cause of more excitem ent than I
ence.
had anticipated.
The literary so-
Then, when it got dark, I m ount- ciety broke up in confusion. Every-
ed my horse, and wrapped in a long body who had at any tim e lied and
overcoat, started for Onion town- said th a t they had seen the Wild
ship. The greater portion of the Man, now shouted a triu m p h an t “ I
ride was uneventful, and I devoted j told ye so !” One citizen, who had
most of my atten tio n to holding up a hog m ysteriously assassinated
mv artificial feet.
some time previously, was uproar-
Ju st before reaching the school- ¡ously anxious th a t I should hang
house I stopjied in the woods to then and there.
Somebody stig-
tighten mv saddle-girth.
A mo gested that I should be burned at
rnent later I beard voices. and the stake, or som ething of that
fearing discovery in the starlig h t, I kind
It was loudly surm ised th at
pullet! mv horse back behind a I had eaten H ank L u n khead’s
clump of hushes and waited for the baby, which had been missing for
owners of the voices to pas«. As two days a week before. Said baby
. hack,
, of r at
• Onion
__to a place
the appearance in
* w here the chief in d u s try
of th e in h a b ita n ts co n sists of w eep they rounded a bend in the road I had
been
discovered to have
to w n sh ip of a Wild M an.
ing a n d w ailin g an d g n a s h in g th e ir saw th at they were a great, hulking drowned him self in the well, but
Oh, he was a h rrlble fellow
bony and black, with great, splay |
m ade 118”> «I'™ »' verbatim , young farm er and his sw eetheart. th a t made no difference. I looked
feeti huge, claw -tipped ban,Is, nod “ f the Razooper’s description of th e They were talking in shivery tones bad enough to have eaten him , and
of the W ild Man, and now ami probably would have done so had
a face calculated lo frighten the W il.i M an.
, .
. .
.1 i It was a little 1 ter th a t the then glancing behind them as if lie not drowned him self in self-
very elect out of a y e a r s growth.
defense. T hat was about the way
r j is . ' t h air
• w as w orn
. a i.
.1 a ... n d i Thespian
A m ateur Drain u ic Club, ’ they half expected his approach.
H
la sn a rl
’
I am very, very sm art at times, the excitable ones in the crowd
trim m ed with splinters, and hi8 1 «f which I was a m em ber, decided
m outh looked like the unpardon- to Slve 1,11 en tertain m en t at the and it popped into mv head th a t it seemed to reason.
C alm er counsel prevailed, and
able sin. Ills w ardrobe was ra th e r 8,'l," " lhl,u81! ln Olll" n ‘ow" 8ldP- would be a capital joke to play
lim ited; consisting usually of a The lite ra ry 8ocie,y whieh 11181 Wild Man for a m inute and see the with two ropes around my neck
I and two strong men holding each,
fierce frown worn diagonally upon I lherc tv e r-v F rid a y eve,linK llad re’ big booby and his girl run.
his brow, a q u a rte r section of M"e.ted us to appear.
They did dropped off my long coat, and leav I was led, a m um bling, growling,
The
scurvy rohe worn about his m iddle, « " l " allt a Play> a8- 1,11 «««»<"« of ing my horse behind th«* hushes, agonized captive, to town.
a c in i, with w arts O„ its m ajor end tl,e len!»h <>f an ordinary dram a, sneaked out into the road and close pain in my jaw was so great at
worn in his rig h t hand, and « 'K> pm duciinu after the regular behind the couple w ithout their tim es th a t I could not refrain from
stone bruise of generous size on his 1)Usim ss of the society was disposed having heard mv approach. U tter yelling, and on such occasions the
left heel
id* WouM keep them too late. So ing my best howl, I prepared to holders of the ropes would nearly
In short, the W ild Man of Onion we resolved to giv®
« short r«‘ll t»n the ground with laughter as choke me to death to keep me from
tow nship was, according to the specialty entertainm ent.
Mr. Hi- they fled. T hat is where I reckoned biting them , and the young farm er
Razooper, of som ew hat striking " ' “ ’“ P v' af' east to sing a senti- w ithout having consulted the la n d with the club would draw near, all
ready to lay me out if I over
appearance, and calculated to cause ln’ " i a ^ ballad, B jo n es and B jin k s lord’s figures, so to sp eak .
The couple jum ped alm ost out of powered the holder« of the ropes.
a buzz of com m ent in any draw ing to do .i little Irish comedy sketch,
Miss Giggleslick for a select read their skins and gave a great cry of
W hen we reached town I was
room.
His behavior at times bordered ing, and myself for a character fright, and then, before I could be ready to give up the ghost, and my
on the eccentric. He seemed pas- song and dance.
The T hespians gin to toll, th e young farm er struck captors had decided th a t I was poi
sionately fond of laving for belated who were not on the program were me a trem endous lick with a club sonous. Then the rum pus aroused
wayfarers, said th e account. He 'to attend as a com m ittee on ap- which I had not till then noticed, my friend, at whose house I had
and which he had evidently carried donned my costum e, and he speed-
would jum p up suddenly before a plause.
I resolved to make my part the for the entertainm ent of the W ild ily identified all th at was left of me.
benighted pedestrian, m ake a few
As a consequence I rolled I was released and my jaw was set,
original gestures, accom panied by feature of the evening, and not only Man.
gnashing of teeth, and then take to surprise the natives hut the Thes- on the ground w ith mv jaw knocked ‘ and I crawled c ff home more dead
the woods, u tterin g roars louder pians as well.
i’o this end, after out of place, and in my agony th an alive.
My overcoat was lost, and when,
th an those of a prom inent citizen choosing the character, the one howled lustily, but unable to u tte r
whose dog-tax had been raised. know n in theatrical circles as “ T he an intelligible word.
tiext day, I learned th at my run-
The accounts of his appearance Jo lly H o tten to t,” 1 kept ail in the
I heard my horse give a snort of away horse had fallen off from a
W’ere vouched for over the nam es of dark in reg rd to my choice.
affright and charge off down the bluff «nd broken his neck, I felt
My “ make-up ’’ for th e c h a ra c te r, road.
several citizens who I felt sure
The young farm er hurled th at sm artness had brought its own
would not go back on me, inasm uch w hich was th e best 1 could procure, him self upon me and proceeded, reward.
as one of them had gone away and was pretty costly, but 1 felt th at to the best of bis ability, to tear
All C hristendom professes to re
died, an other had engaged in a the furor it would create would me up, and bis girl stood near with
ceive the bible as the word of God.
foot-race with the authorities that am ply repay me for the outlay.
the club and gave me a lick every
O ut of
J u s t before dark on the eventful time she could get a chance to bit and w hat does it avail?
took him rapidly in the direction of
Nova Scotia, a n d the third entered night I repaired to the lions of a me. In vain I struggled and fought; this “ Inspired vo lu m e” comes
into rest in the practice of medicine friend a t the edge of town and the young farm er was too m any for Rom anism , for Rome believes in
O ut of it comes Mor
in a tow n where there w tre already douned my costum e and made my- me and smote me hip and thigh, the bible.
tw enty-eight doctors.
3elf up. .My entourage consisted of nearly drove my head out of sight m onism, for the Mormon believes in
It was really surprising to see black tights w ith a huge breech- in the b-som of M other E arth , and the bible. Out of it comes Episco-
how many people, after the publi- clout of fur.
My hands were seemed desirous of dism em bering palianism , M ethodism , Sweden-
borgianism , and all other sects
cation of the W ild Man article, blackened on the backs and gi\en me completely.
In vain I tried to whose nam e is legiou. All these
were ready to testify that they had palm s of bright red, and my pedal explain; my dislocated jaw. which claim a divine sanction from the
seen him.
If a farm er, returning extrem ities were in huge artificial caus-d me excruciating pain, p re-! bible, and yet they are strongly
late at night toward Onion tow n feet of leather, each nearly a yard vented n.e from uttering a coherent a rra yed again81 one another, reject-
ship in a state of advanced hilarity long. My wig was a terrible affair word, and all I could do was to veil ing each o th er’s in terp retatio n s of
*
•
the book, and each aim ing to ex
superinduced by an overdose of of black, woolly h air with skewers in an u n tra n sla ta b le but energetic
term inate all the rest.— [W illiam
balloon-juice, »ell out of his wagon stuck through it.
My face looked ( wav.
| L. G arrison.