T H E TORCH OF REASON, SILV ER TO N , OREGON, TH U R SD A Y , S E PT E M B E R 30, 181F
THE LICENSED PREACHER.
Rev. Old M ortality Talks About
Prayer.—A New Departure.
A Prayer Wheel, Etc., Etc.
My d ear little ones, it pains me
not a little to notice th at th e Infi
dels, Skeptics, F reethinkers, Agnos
tics, an d m any well educated and
intelligent men and women a re now
openly declaring unto the world
th a t prayer is a silly and useless
form of worship.
These curious
people say th a t p rayer is of pagan
origift, and th a t it was grafted on
to our later styles of religious wor
ship by the Jews, who were not in
telligent enough to invent an origi
nal idea with which to embellish
their religious rites. These Infidels
also declare th a t prayer is a great
waste of precious tim e, and (hat it
ought to be done away with in this
enlightened age of industry. They
also say th a t no intelligent m an or
woman on earth can tru th fu lly de
clare th a t their prayers and suppli
cations have ever been answered!
These strange people are now pub
lishing these tru th s in the various
new spapers of the land, and it pains
me m uch to believe th a t in tim e
perhaps some of the ignorant ami
superstitious members of th is tab
ernacle m ay get hold of the inde
pendent papers, and then what will
become of me?
Yes, my pets, w hat will become
of your preacher? Being the block
head and fool of my fa th e r’s family,
I was sent to college, where I spent
m any years in learning the preach
er’s trade, and it is about the only
thing I ever could learn. These
Infidels have put out the fires of
hell, and turned old spear-tail out
of house and home. A religion that
does not have its hell and its legions
of devils is not w orth an y th in g to
us sky-pilots. These Infidels have
gone still further; they now say
th a t heaven is a m yth, and th at it
is also of pagan origin! They de
clare th at heaven was invented by
a wily pagan priest, in order to in
veigle silly but beautiful women
into th e church. Hell, they say,
was invented for the purpose of
frightening ignorant men .into tin-
fold, in order th at they m ight pay the
piper while we slick-tongued sky
scrapers did the dancing, and other
things too num erous to m ention.
If it were not for our free schools
and tem ples of learning we sky-
pilots would very soon be enabled
to d ictate to the governors of this
m ighty land.
But the school
teachers and th e free in v e s tig a to rs
have placed us on their blacklist,
and in consequence the pulpit is
doomed to fall into the dust of
oblivion. We are a m arked and
doomed race.
A N EW D E P A R T U R E .
A New York m inister has in tro
duced into his pulpit a phonograph
which sings the doxology.
IL
should guard it with watchful care.
Some im penitent sinner m ight shift
cylinders on him and regale the
c o n g r e g a t i o n with ‘‘Trow Him
Down, McCloskey,” “ Kiss Me for
My M other,” or some other worldly
air, which would scarcely dovetail
in with the solem nity of the occa
sion. I will go this R»-v. ‘‘Duke of
York” a few ‘‘m ark s” better.
A PR A Y ER W H EEL.
My little ones, please say unto
your parents that owing to th e tor
rid state of the weather it fatigues
me greatly to spend so much of my
precious tim e in verbal prayer, and
that after consulting with Rev. Mrs.
Roxie Jan e M ortality I have de
term ined to place a silver-plated
prayer wheel at the entrance to
each one of the pews, so th at the
mem bers of this tabernacle can give
it a tw irl on entering their seats,
that is if they wish to forward any
desire or com m unication to the
golden city of the new Jerusalem .
The cost to your parents for each
prayer will he only ten cents; this
they can drop into the open slot
which is directly under the wheel.
Any lady that has a wart on th*-
end of her nose, and wishes it re
moved w ithout attrac tin g public
attention to the event, will find the
prayer wheel a most
V efficacious,
silent and reliable panacea.
A
m arried lady whose pretty serv atr
maid is in the habit of kissing her
good and pious husband (against
his will) whilst she is at the ladies’
sewing circle, can easily fru strate
this very shocking procedure by
m erely dropping a «lime in the slot
and at the same time violently
tw irling the prayer wheel.
To the m embers of this taber
nacle, I will sav that these prayer
wheels are w arranted to bring as
good results as any style of prayer
that has yet been sent heavenward
by the lips of m ankind. I particu
larly recom m end these invaluable,
tim e-saving prayer wheels to our
governm ent. They will (ill a long-
tell w ant and do away with ail
chaplains. W hy should the intel
ligent people of America he com
pelled to pay for prayers that are
never answ ered?
Echo answers,
‘•because the Americans a r e fo o ls.”
F aith ami ten cents in cash is all
th a t is required to make the-e tim e
saving m achines h g rin d success,
ami more particularly so with the
American people, whose time is
cash. Speaking of cash re m in d s
me th a t if it was not for the money
your parents pay me for telling
them that a sardine swallowed a
.Jew, I would let them all go to hell
in a jo b lot, and I would go to
shoveling gravel on the railroad.
But if your parents are fools enough
to pay us sky-pilots for preaching
religion out of this obscene, contra
dictory and silly compilation of
Jew ish rot, we will gladly take their
w ealth, and m entally say you ought
t<» go to hell, G reenland’* icy moun
tains, Alaska or some other far
a way locality. Amen.
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N. J e r m a n ,
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Origin of S p ecies................C has. D arwin
1 descent of M a n .................... “
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F irst Principles .......... H erliert Spencer
I hita of E th ic s ................
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E m erso n ’s Essays
S arto r R e s a rtu s ..............T hom as C arlyle
H istory French R evolution “
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H y p a tia .................................. C has. K ingly
A utobiography of B enj. F ran k lin
Fifteen Decisive B attles of th e
W o rld ............................ E. C. C reasy
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