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LO VE A N D LOG IC
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T d o n ’ t u n d e rsta n d it. T h e te c h n iq u e s m y
I p a re n ts u s e d s o e ffe c tiv e ly ju s t d o n 't
JL L s e e m to w o rk w ith k id s to d a y . “ D o e s
th is s ta te m e n t s o u n d fa m ilia r to y o u ? A lo t
o f p a re n ts to d a y a re w o n d e rin g w h a t to
d o w ith th e ir k id s a n d a re fru s tra te d
b e c a u s e th e o ld te c h n iq u e s ju s t d o n ’ t se e m
to g e t th e jo b d o n e .
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P a re n ts w a n t to e n jo y th e ir k id s , h a v e fu n
w ith th e m , a n d e n jo y a le ss s tre s s fu l fa m ily
life . B u t e v e n if th e ir k id s a re tro u b le -fre e
rig h t n o w , th e y fe a r w h a t th e c o m in g
te e n a g e y e a rs w ill b rin g .
II
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A t n o tim e in h is to ry h a v e p a re n ts b e e n
m o re u n s u re o f th e ir p a re n ta l ro le . E v e n
th e b e s t a re n o t a ll th a t s u re a b o u t w h e th e r
th e y a re u s in g th e b e s t te c h n iq u e s . T h e y
s a y th a t th e ir k id s d o n ’ t a p p e a r to b e m u c h
lik e th e o n e s th e y k n e w in y e a rs p a s t.
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A lo t o f c o n flic tin g p h ilo s o p h ie s h a v e b e e n
p re s e n te d o v e r th e la s t 3 0 y e a rs. M a n y o f
th e se s o u n d g o o d , b u t d o n ’ t s e e m to d o
th e jo b o f h e lp in g c h ild re n b e c o m e re s p e c t
fu l, re s p o n s ib le , a n d a jo y to b e a ro u n d .
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IS
It
M a n y id e a s , o ffe re d w ith th e b e s t o f in te n
tio n s, c e n te r a ro u n d m a k in g s u re th a t k id s
a re c o m fo rta b le a n d fe elin g g o o d a b o u t
th e m s e lv e s in o rd e r to h a v e a g o o d se lf
c o n c e p t. H o w e v e r, w e h a v e d isc o v e re d th a t
s e lf-c o n fid e n c e is a c h ie v e d th ro u g h s tru g g le
a n d a c h ie v e m e n t, n o t th ro u g h s o m e o n e
te llin g y o u th a t y o u a re n u m b e r o n e . S e lf
c o n fid e n c e is n o t d e v e lo p e d w h e n k id s a re
ro b b e d o f th e o p p o rtu n ity to d is c o v e r th a t
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th e y c a n in d e e d s o lv e th e ir o w n p ro b le m s
w ith c a rin g a d u lt g u id a n ce .
T h e re is, h o w e v e r, a n a p p ro a c h to ra is in g
k id s th a t p ro v id e s lo v in g s u p p o rt fro m
p a re n ts w h ile a t th e s a m e tim e e x p e c tin g
k id s to b e re s p e c tfu l a n d re s p o n s ib le .
T h is p ro g ra m is k n o w n a s P a r e n t i n g w i t h
L o v e a n d L o g i c , a p h ilo s o p h y fo u n d e d b y
J im F a y a n d F o s te r W . C lin e , M .D ., a n d
b a s e d o n th e e x p e rie n c e o f a c o m b in e d
to ta l o f o v e r 7 5 y e a rs w o rk in g w ith a n d
ra is in g k id s .
M a n y p a re n ts w a n t th e ir k id s to b e w e ll-
p re p a re d fo r life , a n d th e y k n o w th is
m e an s k id s w ill m a k e m ista k e s a n d m u s t
b e h e ld a c c o u n ta b le fo r th o s e m is ta k e s . B u t
th e s e p a re n ts o fte n fa il to h o ld th e k id s
a c c o u n ta b le fo r p o o r d e c is io n s b e c a u s e th e y
a re a fra id th e k id s w ill se e th e ir p a re n ts a s
b e in g m e a n . T h e re s u lt is th e y o fte n e x c u s e
b a d b e h av io r, fin d in g it e a s ie r to h o ld o th e rs,
in c lu d in g th e m se lv e s, a c c o u n ta b le fo r th e ir
c h ild re n ’ s irre sp o n s ib ility .
J im F a y te a c h e s u s th a t w e s h o u ld “ lo c k in
o u r e m p a th y , lo v e , a n d u n d e rs ta n d in g ”
p rio r to te llin g k id s w h a t th e c o n s e q u e n c e s
o f th e ir a c tio n s w ill b e . T h e p a re n tin g
c o u rs e P a r e n t i n g t h e L o v e a n d L o g i c W a y
te a c h e s p a re n ts h o w to h o ld th e ir k id s
a c c o u n ta b le in th is s p e c ia l w a y . T h is L o v e
a n d L o g ic m e th o d c a u s e s th e c h ild to se e
th e ir p a re n t a s th e “ g o o d g u y ” a n d th e
c h ild ’ s p o o r d e c is io n a s th e “ b a d g u y . ”
W h e n d o n e o n a re g u la r b a sis, k id s d e v e lo p
a n in te rn a l v o ic e th a t s a y s , “ I w o n d e r h o w
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