N O R T H C O A S T T IM E S E A G L E , JABRUARY 2005
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MY ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT
DAVID HORSEY
BY MICHAEL ALDERMAN
On November 2nd, 2004 I learned my lesson.
Fact of the matter Is I’m tired. I'm tired of caring, tired
of giving a shit. And when it comes right down to it, why should
I care? I'm an American, God Damn it! A U.S. citizen from way
back, many generations. It’s high time I started to think like one.
I’ve seen the error of my ways. The conservative major­
ity made itself known on November 2nd. They’ll be pleased to
know I’ve officially adjusted my attitude on their behalf. Some­
one once said if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Well, Mr. Bush,
here I am, such as I am, to officially apologize for my naïveté —
oh, pardon my French! I'll use another word; I’d like to officially
apologize for my ignorance of your subtle genius, for overlook­
ing the true scope of your appeal. And I’d like to apologize to
my rightwing brethren for my just not getting it! I get it now.
I’ve been hearing a lot of whining lately from candyass,
bleeding-heart liberal supporters of John Kerry’s failed candid­
acy, largely bemoaning the expected tide of reforms planned
for President Bush’s second term and their associated repercus­
sions. To these sore losers I say, Wake Up! When in Rome, do
as the Romans. It’s time to Get With The Program! And if they
can't get with the program, then fuck 'em! Hey, I like that. Fuck
’em! I think I'll make that my new slogan.
I now support the troops, by the way. I foolishly assumed
I was supporting the troops before, when I marched through the
streets in a plea to stop them from being sent to fight and die
in an unnecessary war for rich men’s oil, and again in a plea to
bring them back home to their families. I blush from shame at
the thought of my stupidity. Now that the fog has been lifted,
I recognize that such wars are not only necessary but are a
source of nationalistic pride. God is on the side of the oil
billionaires! To not act would be an affront to God, which could
lead to a sound smiting! (I’m not sure what that might entail, but
it can’t be good.)
Regarding the thousands of Americans who’ve already
died and will die in Iraq, hey, they knew what they were getting
into when they enlisted. And if they didn't, fuck 'em for not being
smart enough to figure it out. Hello! Arlington Cemetery teems
UNIONTOWN
with casualties from military actions that had little or nothing
to do with defending the homeland. Today 12 more Americans
perished in Iraq defending my God-given right to indiscrimin­
ately consume fossil fuels. And those yellow ribbon decals on
the backs of our gas-guzzling automobiles so eloquently under­
score the poignancy of the soldiers’ sacrifice — I’m getting all
misty-eyed just thinking about it.
Besides, most of our fighting force is composed of white
trash and minorities. Fuck ’em! There’s always more where they
came from.All we have to do is keep them procreating by under­
mining sex education and family planning programs. I've never
truly grasped the practicality of such policies until now. And just
think how many more young men and women we will have avail­
able to fight when we stamp out abortion once and for all. Praise
Jesus!
HERE WAS A LIBERAL
WHEN COMES SUCH ANOTHER?
Friends, Americans, countrymen (and women), lend
me your ears. I come to bury the liberals, not to praise them.
The evil that men do lives after them, the good is oft forgotten
by their political rivals. So let it be with the liberals.
The noble George Bush hath told you the liberals are
ambitious. If it were so, it was a grievous fault, and grievously
hath the Democrats answered it.
Here, under leave of Bush and the rest — for Bush is
an honorable man; so are they all, Reagan, Quayle, Sununu,
all honorable men — come I to speak against the liberals. They
cared about the poor and working class, like myself. But Bush
says they are ambitious, and Bush is an honorable man. They
have taxed more heavily those who could better afford it, whose
ransoms paid for education and health care. Did this in the
liberals seem ambitious?
When that women and minorities have cried for equality
the liberals hath listened. Ambition should be made of sterner
stuff. Yet Bush says they are ambitious, and Bush is an honor­
able man.
You did all see in Washington, D C., they thrice were
presented with the opportunity to lie to the voters, which they
did thrice refuse. Was this ambition? Yet Bush says they are
ambitious, and, read my lips, Bush is an honorable man
I speak not to disprove what Bush spoke, but here I
am to speak what I do know. You all did trust them once, not
without cause. What cause withholds you, then, to vote for
them? Oh, judgment, thou art fled to TV sound bites, and men
have lost their reason.
I used to worry too about the thousands of injured
soldiers coming home to find their veteran's benefits slashed
by the very Commander-in-Chief who'd placed them in harm’s
way. But, you know, they’re just a drain on the system anyway.
If they’d been alert enough to dodge that RPG or step around
that land mine they wouldn’t be missing an arm or leg or eye
now would they? Is it our fault they let their guard down during
such a crucial operation? Sounds like dereliction of duty to me.
Why on earth should we reward such incompetency? Hell, most
of those same soldiers voted to return President Bush to the
White House, which amounts to tacit approval of the cuts, does
it not? So, fuck ’em!
I now understand that the longer the war goes on the
more money will flow into corporate coffers, and, as those wiser
than me already know, what's good for Halliburton is good for
America Is there anything more fundamentally American than
the diversion of tax dollars from social programs to special
interests? This used to bother me, but in my newfound lucidity
I ve come to understand that the individuals and organizations
pocketing my tax money have earned it. It takes serious guts
and wiles to hoodwink your own constituency so blatantly, yet
still have them come back and say, “Thank you, sir, may I have
another?’’ That’s American neo-capitalsm at its finest! Besides,
sustaining the underprivileged only deprives them of the moti-
vation to rise above their poverty, right? If people won’t tread
on their fellows in order to elevate themselves, they have no
business living in the USA. Fuck 'em!
And speaking of the underprivileged, we’ve been placing
way too much emphasis on respecting the elderly in this country.
Social Security? Why not just call it Socialist Security? The shoe
fits. The money’s already been spent, so why are we clinging to
this outmoded program? It’s time to privatize it so it can turn a
little profit before filing for bankruptcy. As for the retirees who
depend on it; fuck ’em, they’re old. They had their whole lives
to get their act together.
I m ashamed to admit that, yes, I was an environmental­
ist. I know, I know, clean air, potable water, and sustainable agri­
culture are Pollyannaish pursuits. If the Earth doesn’t care what
we do to it, why should we? So what if we leave a poisonous
trash dump for our kids and grandkids to deal with. Fuck 'em’
They’ll figure something out. So what if babies are bom with
brain damage from the mercury in their mother’s bodies Fuck
’em! As long as they’re born, that’s all that matters. Even a
brain-damaged teenager can wield a rifle.
And is there anything more overrated than education?
Please. How much education is required for someone to ask,
Want me to top it off for you?” Jobs that require education are
all being shipped overseas anyway, so can somebody please tell
me why we should waste perfectly good tax dollars on frivolous
programs like public education? Plus, the better educated a
person is, the more liberal he or she tends to be, which runs
contrary to the New World Order and should therefore be
avoided.
I could never have imagined the freedom that accom­
panies my new attitude! I have learned to embrace the true
American Values of Ignorance and Avarice — and let me be
the first to acknowledge they are much easier to implement
than tolerance and compassion; much easier.
It’s scandalous to admit how long it's taken me to learn
this lesson. There’s no excuse for my delayed assimilation,
except to confess that I had been brainwashed into hoping the
lessons of the past would somehow dissuade us from repeating
previous mistakes. As evidenced throughout human history,
there is a fundamental progression each civilization must under­
go, culminating in its own self-destruction. My belief that, in
America’s case, such inevitability might be forestalled was utter
hubris.
Now I know better. Now I can hold my head up proudly
as I wave the flag and consume and pollute and hate. And if
anybody has a problem with that, fuck ’em!
Michael Alderman writes, produces, directs and films
movies, among other pursuits. He and his wife Rhonda live in
Astoria.
-MICHAEL ALDERMAN
He wrote this for the NOTE in 1992, with apologies to
‘Bill Shakespeare’.
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