PAGE 9
NORTH COAST TIMES EAGLE, OCTO/NOVO 2002
THOMAS ESCHER
LEARNING TO FLAP WINGS AS ONE
BY MARGARET FRIMOTH
The bus leaves as we sing upbeat choruses to young
campers, “You are So beautiful,” “One Big Family” and “Each of
Us is a Flower." We wave goodbye for as long as the bus is
visible. Then, with the bus out of sight, some volunteers let tears
flow, finding solace in the supportive arms of friends. Others
breathe quietly, lost in a full range of emotions. We take time
to gather our belongings, and our thoughts. Then we sit down
together and talk about our experiences, our emotions, our fears
and our hopes for the children who shared the last three days
with us. Before we leave camp, we build a transitionary bridge to
the other side, where the world is not as safe. Where community
is threatened by individual desires and singular entitlements.
Where people are mistreated and blamed. Where possessions
are more protected than people. Where war is on the minds of
the mighty, while hunger ravages the most vulnerable Before we
leave camp, we remind each other to guard our hearts, to tend to
our physical needs and, after a weekend of attending to others, to
once again extend beyond our own needs and ask our loved ones
about their time while we were away. Before we leave camp, we
sing. Together. Then we each in our own way return to the busi
ness of the world outside of safe community.
Carry it home to your children. Carry it out in the street.
Carry it on to the ones you love; On to the ones you meet.
Carry it light on your shoulder. Carry it deep in your soul.
For we have been blessed by magic.
And the magic will make us whole
(Betsy Rose)
I think that when the bus rounds the corner and returns
the kids to the outside world, adult volunteers are left with a
million unanswered questions, not just about the kids’ lives, but
mostly about our own. The camps demand a kind of intimacy that
the world rarely embraces. Our culture typically links intimacy
with sexual behavior—sexual intimacy.We are a nation confused
by our inability to relate to one another honestly, intimately, with
out sexual contact. The social justifications for sexual frolicking
are vast. The forum for sexual abstinence is bound up in biblical
bantering. Neither ideology encompasses the full spectrum of
who we are — our physical and emotional needs, desires,
passions, beliefs, reasons. The debate polarizes, rather than
informs. The consequences of sexual confusion leave our
children burdened with unwanted pregnancies, a constantly
increasing rise in sexually transmitted diseases, disrupted
relationships, seemingly uncontrollable drug and alcohol abuse,
domestic violence, child abuse, sexual abuse.. Why? Because
sexuality is at the core of our personhood, our individual power.
To abuse that core is to devalue, in fact, destroy, the person.
Our individual sexuality is the essence of who we are. It is how
we arrived on earth, in this body. It is the manifestation of future
generations. Yet, we cannot talk about sex in meaningful terms,
with a respect that pays homage to our soul-selves. Thus, we
are paralyzed, and are sorely equipped to respond properly to
the issue of childhood sexual violence. It gets clumped in with all
other uncomfortably embarrassing dialogues Without guidance
to address core trauma, the cultural norm represses the human
desire to heal. This stifles all else in the lives of survivors, their
families, their friends, their co-workers, their lovers, their children.
Trauma is normalized. Healing halted. Silenced Eventually
denied. Thus, violence continues.
Sometimes it's hard to resign yourself to your life.
But you quiet your heart and your mind
Not looking so hard is the best way to find
That certain light that will shine, on your way home.
(Luther Schultz)
Victory Over Child Abuse (VOCA) Camps exist precisely
because sexual abuse has been used against the core person
hood of the child survivor. Sexual abuse is purely for the satis
faction of the abuser. Sex, used as a weapon to overpower. Used
against children. It's a coward's way to gain power. But effective.
Especially in a culture that has difficulty respecting children and
discussing sex. Sexual abuse is allowed to ravage children in
the hush of adult social restraints. Culturally, this is our common
experience. Yet, at VOCA Camp there is a divergence from the
norm There is intimacy without sexual contact. Issues of safety
and touch are honored rather than assumed. Safety is a goal,
an on-going process rather than a measurable outcome. Touch
is used only with permission (/.e., “Can I give you a hug?”), and
we practice accepting “no” as an appropriate answer. We demon
strate appropriate respect of personal space by drawing imagin
ary circles around and above our bodies, graphically defining
the space we can each call our own. We sing, "When I say no,
I mean no!" At any time, someone might call out, “Whose body
is this?" with clear knowledge that anyone within hearing distance
will shout back the anticipated reply, “This is my body!” We talk
about our personal and emotional rights. We discuss tricks and
excuses that people use to break safety. We talk about alternat
ives to violence. We work through conflict. In these ways we give
children back the power that sexual abuse stole from them.
There is an old tale from India that tells of a peaceful
flock of quail who were tricked when a crafty hunter used his
whistling to call the flock. With some of the flock gathered near
him, the hunter flung a huge net over them, captured them, and
took the quail to market. The wisest of the remaining quail saw
the trickery and told the rest of the flock to flap their wings as
one, to lift the net that bound them, and then escape from under
neath it. The next day the hunter failed at his task despite his
keen trickery He thought, “When the small birds cooperate, not
even I can capture them.” But the following day when he tried
once more, some quail accidentally bumped into some others
and they began fighting amongst themselves. The hunter quickly
approached, scooped up his net and proclaimed, “I’m the winner!
Together they're strong Divided, they’re dinner."
You see, the common denominator in this monstrous
problem of sexual violence against children, is us All of us.
Adults. Regardless of religion, race, gender, economic status,
physical abilities, educational status, sexual orientation, geo
graphic location WE are the problem Not the kids Not the
schools Not the taxes. Not the Democrats Not the Republicans.
Not the queers Not the heathens. You. Me All of us When we
allow our differences to divide us, then the common denominator
of “us" becomes the problem. This is the centuries old domination
theory It is effective because it keeps us separated, fearful of
losing whatever little we gain An alternative to the old dominat
ion theory is to focus on our similarities, to see and respect our
differences as our greatest strengths Imagine a weaving, where
each strand represents an individual, distinct from all others, yet
part of the whole When one strand is missing or broken, the
entire community is impacted The task is to support the whole
weaving while repairing the broken strand Thus, the common
denominator of “us" embodies the solution.
a misquote. The real meaning behind the biblical parable is a
reminder to the shepherd to guide the sheep, not hit the sheep.
Hitting sheep could break-down and devalue the wool. No shep
herd worth his herd would beat his sheep. Nor will adults who
truly care about children. Adulthood demands responsibility.
Safe community depends on adult willingness to honestly assess
power differences, while also committing to the use of adult
power to consciously create safety. VOCA Camps are less about
personal healing and more about social change. We live the
world we want to have At least for two, long weekends each
year.
Listen to the children. Voices of the children.
Spirit of the children. Turn the world around.
(unknown)
Once you experience the magic of safe community it’s
hard to understand why it isn't the norm. It benefits everyone. It
brings out our best. Together we are strong. But the world outside
of camp wants us divided, weakened, embittered. When we
leave camp, each of us is forced to choose between returning to
life as it was before camp, or to shift our course and walk against
the societal tide, attempting to find a world that makes more
sense. Much of the time it’s easier to go with the flow. Easier
to believe that my one voice hardly matters in the barrage of
conflicting voices outside of camp community. Yet the inner
longing for a changed world lingers, beckoning us towards a
more equitable view of the world This occurrence itself divides
us. Another encounter with the perpetual institutionalization of
current power-over structures. Accosted again At least until next
year.
With every voice, with every song
We will move this world along
And our lives will feel the echo of our healing.
(Ruth Pelham)
If we could somehow live the VOCA Way most of
the time, interrupted occasionally by the bustling demands of
production, I believe we would be a healthier culture. That's
the continuous draw of the VOCA Camp community. Regardless
of the emotional exhaustion, the physical fatigue, the loss of two
weekends away from work and family, it simultaneously holds the
possibility of living closer to the land, supporting one another in
intimate community while also confronting the curse of childhood
sexual victimization. We return, year after year after year.
Sensing the VOCA Season before it arrives Celebrating each
success as it unfolds. Embracing whatever challenges await us
in the next year. Together we stand Diverse. United As we now
embark on our 15th year.
Margaret Frimoth organized VOCA Camp with a handful
of adults who heard the request from child survivors of sexual
abuse who wanted “a camp just for them, where the secret of
their sexual victimization would be safe," and they could heal
That was in 1988. Currently there are two annual camps in
Clatsop County, one for boys, another for girls. For more inform
ation call (503) 325-2761
Songs quoted in this story are from the VOCA Camp
song book
My own life is all I can hope to control.
Let my life be lived for the good of us all.
(Tom Paxton)
Bikes ¿r Beyond
1089 MARINE DR.
ASTORIA, OREGON
Before VOCA Camp begins (after intensive training,
criminal history and reference checks), every adult is reminded
that we, the adults, have automatic power over children, not
because we are better, not because we deserve it; mostly
because children have been taught that adults have and will use
this automatic power over them. Frankly, it's easy to victimize
kids It happens daily It's occurred for generations, for centuries
To be safe, adults must grapple with and commit to not using
what society has given us as automatic power over children
Instead, we talk about sharing our power, rather than using it
to maintain our authority We discuss the old, misread adage
of “spare the rod and spoil the child ' We disregard it as another
justification for violence against children. After all, the saying is
storia Real Estate
Thinking of moving to the coast?
Come in and check out the local market!
www.astoriarealestate.net
Peter & Janet Weidman
503-325-3304
342 Industry, Astona, OR 97103 (at the Moonng Basin
next to the Red Lion Inn)