TH E N O RTH COAST T IM E S E A G L E , MAY 1990
tu a lly flow n to s t a t e s i d e h o s p ita ls n e a r th e i r
h o m e s if p o s s ib le , but m o r e lik e ly th e y w ound
up in VA h o s p ita ls to o p o o rly fu n d ed a n d u n d e r
s ta f f e d to a d e q u a te ly c a r e f o r th e m . The d e a d
w e re a ls o r e tu r n e d a n d in v is ib ly c r o s s e d the
c o u n try in the m a il c a r s of t r a i n s o r th e b a g
g a g e c o m p a r tm e n ts of a i r p l a n e s .
F iv e P r e s id e n ts t r i e d to k e e p th e w a r fr o m
u p s e ttin g th e c it i z e n r y . T h ey p r o m is e d g u n s
a n d b u tte r w h ile s a c r if ic in g th e n a tio n 's so n s
a n d m o n e y . N ig h t a f t e r n ig h t th e p u b lic w as
n u m b e d to the w a r by th e a r t i f i c e of te le v is io n
n e w s , y e t few e v e r s a w an y of th e A m e r ic a n
d e a d — th e s ig h t of d e a d o r w o u n d ed G Is w as
c o n s id e r e d b a d f o r m o r a l e . D e a th w as e d ite d
o u t of th e w a r .
A fte r th e e u p h o r ia of th e i n itia l b u ild u p of
tr o o p s tw e n ty -fiv e y e a r s a g o , a f t e r O p e ra tio n
S ta r lig h t an d th e la D ra n g V a lle y , a f t e r T e t
1968 an d Khe S anh, a f t e r Hue an d My L a i,
a f t e r N ixon s e n t th e a r m y in to C a m b o d ia an d it
r e t u r n e d w ith h e r o in , th e A m e r ic a n p u b lic
b e c a m e d is m a y e d w ith its s o l d i e r s o n s . S o m e
th in g tr a d ito n a lly s o lid w as e x p e c te d of s o l d i e r s ,
b u t th e V iet N am g e n e r a tio n w as b e g in n in g to
c h a n g e — a n d in to w h a t? The s o l d i e r s w o re
p e a c e m e d a llio n s in to c o m b a t, s m o k e d m a r i
ju a n a , k ille d th e i r s u p e r i o r s a n d s a b o ta g e d
w e a p o n s a n d e q u ip m e n t, an d th e y r e b e lle d
a g a in s t the m i l i t a r y by th e th o u s a n d s . No one
b u t th e s o l d i e r s u n d e r s to o d th a t the r e b e llio n
w a s a d e s p e r a te y e t r a t i o n a l r e s p o n s e to
th e w a r an d to th e in e q u itie s of th e m i l i t a r y
s y s te m a n d its c a llo u s d i s r e g a r d f o r th e liv e s
o f its lo w e r r a n k s . T he r a t i o of a p p r o x im a te ly
f o u r te e n n o n c o m b a ta n ts to one c o m b a t m a n ,
th e r a c i a l te n s io n s th a t th r e a te n e d to e n g u lf
e v e r y m i l i t a r y in s ta lla t io n a t h o m e , in E u ro p e
a n d A s ia ; th e d r a f t th a t p r o v id e d e s c a p e fo r
th e u p p e r c l a s s e s b u t none f o r th e p o o r o r th e
n o n -w h ite w e re s o m e of th e f a c t o r s th a t
h e ig h te n e d d i s s a t i s f a c t i o n in th e r a n k s . B u t
it w as the i n c r e a s in g d o u b ts a b o u t th e p u rp o s e
a n d m o r a l i t y of th e w a r i t s e l f th a t w e re the
m o s t u n s e ttlin g . F o r m a n y s o l d i e r s , p e rh a p s
m o s t, t h e r e w as no fig h t in th e w a r o th e r th a n
s e l f - p r e s e r v a t i o n m ix e d w ith g r im a w a r e n e s s
th a t th e y w e re b ein g b a d ly u s e d . T h e y w e re
b r u t a l , m u r d e r o u s a n d in s e n s itiv e . T h ey w e re
a l s o t e r r i f i e d , a n g u is h e d an d in s p i r i t u a l p a in .
On A p r il 30, 1975, th e w a r f in a lly e n d e d ,
te n y e a r s a f t e r A m e r ic a n M a r in e s la n d e d in
D a N ang a n d th r e e y e a r s a f t e r m o s t A m e r ic a n
tr o o p s h a d b e e n w ith d ra w n . T he U n ite d S ta te s
s p e n t a g e n e r a tio n a tte m p tin g to d o m in a te
S o u th e a s t A s ia , b u t th e w a r w as l o s t lo n g b e fo re
i t c o m m itte d its a r m i e s . We c a r e d l ittl e fo r
th e c u l t u r e s a n d p e o p le s th a t liv e d th e r e an d
o u r g e n o c id a l c o n te m p t u ltim a te ly c a u s e d o u r
d e fe a t.
The lo s s in V ie t N a m s h a t t e r e d th e p e o p le of
th e U n ited S ta te s . It m ig h t h a v e b e e n d if f e r e n t
if th e w a r h a d b e en w on. The p e o p le m ig h t no t
h a v e b e e n s o a s h a m e d o r d iv id e d . V ic to ry is
i t s own th e r a p e u tic m o r a l i t y : if th e w a r h ad
b e e n w on th e c a u s e w ou ld n a t u r a l l y h a v e b e en
c o n s id e r e d j u s t .
T he m e n w ho d e s ig n e d the w a r b la m e d its
lo s s on th e m e n w ho s u r v iv e d it. We w e re
m a d e its s c a p e g o a ts a n d w e re sh u n n e d a s
l e p e r s a n d l o s e r s . O u r f a m ilie s a n d f r ie n d s
w e r e a s h a m e d o f u s . We h a d b e e n th e n a tio n 's
a g e n ts in a d ir ty , u n p o p u la r a n d u n s u c c e s s f u l
w a r an d w e re a s a r e s u l t t r e a t e d a s if w e w e re
a l s o d i r t . We w e re e x p e c te d to p ic k up o u r
liv e s a s if we h a d n o t b e e n c h a n g e d in th e p i t i
l e s s c r u c ib le of c o m b a t. W ar h a d p a r e d u s to
th e r a w e d g e of p e r c e p tio n b u t it w as d e m a n d
e d th a t we r e a c c e p t o u r c u l t u r e 's illu s io n s
a n d v a n itie s an d c o n fo rm to a p e r s p e c tiv e of
h i s t o r y o u r e x p e r ie n c e r e p u d ia te d . We w e re
p a r ia h s n o t e n t i r e l y b e c a u s e we r a n k le d the
p u b lic m e m o r y : the w a r h a d le f t u s w ith an
i r r e v e r s i b l e k n o w le d g e a b o u t o u r s e lv e s th a t
p e o p le u s u a lly do n o t w a n t to know .
We h a d l e a r n e d th a t on ly h u m a n b e in g s c o m
m it in h u m a n a c ts a n d th a t th e m o s t c h e r is h e d
a n d h u m a n e v a lu e s s e r v e a s w a r c r i e s to c o m
m it h o r r o r . We l e a r n e d th a t c o n c e p ts a b o u t the
w o rth o f life a r e w o r th le s s a s a r g u m e n ts to
p r e s e r v e it. We d is c o v e r e d th a t it is a b s u r d ly
e a s y to k ill a n d th a t it is c o m m o n to f e e l r e l i e f
a n d s a t i s f a c t i o n a t th e a n g u is h of s o m e o n e e ls e .
We l e a r n e d how to r e d u c e f le s h an d b lo o d to
a b s t r a c t c o n te m p t to f a c ilita te o u r r e d u c tio n
o f it to d u s t.
The p r ic e o f s u r v iv a l h a s b e e n h ig h . M any
of o u r d i s o r d e r s w hich a r e s t i l l e v id e n t y e a r s
a f t e r w a r d h a d th e ir o r ig in in th e t e r r o r th a t
w a s d i r e c t e d a t u s an d the t e r r o r we r e p a id
it w ith . T he s a d d e s t iro n y is th a t s o m a n y who
fo u g h t lik e b e a s ts to liv e th ro u g h th e w a r hav e
k ille d th e m s e lv e s s in c e r e tu r n in g h o m e . The
p o is o n s th a t we s p r a y e d upon th e V ie tn a m e s e
a r e k illin g us now , th o u g h th e g o v e r n m e n t c o n
tin u e s to d en y th e i r to x ic e f f e c ts a n d r e f u s e s
to a c c e p t th e c la im s of h u n d re d s of v e te r a n s
th a t th e y a r e s ic k o r d y in g f r o m th e c h e m i c a ls .
J a i l s a r e f ille d w ith V ie t N am v e t e r a n s . We a r e
a lc o h o lic s an d h e a v y d ru g u s e r s . We a r e u n p r e -
d ic ta b ly v io le n t. A ll s o r t s of s y n d r o m e s h av e
b e e n a ttr ib u te d to u s o r in v e n te d to d e s c r ib e
u s . S tu d ie s a r e r o u tin e ly c o m m is s io n e d to
d e fin e o r fin d s o lu tio n s to o u r s o c ia l d e p r a v ity .
We f o r m r a p g ro u p s to a s s i s t e a c h o th e r but
th e s e o fte n s e r v e to in te n s if y o u r m a l a d j u s t
m e n t o r a lie n a tio n . A n u m b e r o f v e te r a n s hav e
r e t r e a t e d f r o m c iv iliz a tio n an d liv e is o la te d
in f o r e s t s an d d e s e r t s . T he n ig h tm a r e s th a t
s e ld o m le a v e us h av e a n in c o m p le te n e s s th a t
r e f l e c t s o u r f r a g m e n te d e x p e r ie n c e in the w a r.
F o r m o s t of th e d e c a d e of m a s s iv e e s c a la tio n
h u n d r e d s of th o u s a n d s of u s w e n t to w a r and
r e t u r n e d d a ily a lm o s t w ith o u t n o tic e . We p a s s e d
e a c h o th e r go in g an d c o m in g f r o m V iet N am .
T he w a r n e v e r q u ite d ie s out of m y th o u g h ts .
S o m e tim e s it l ie s q u ie tly on th e f a r s id e of m y
m in d b u t e v e n tu a lly s o m e th in g t r i g g e r s its
lo o p to th e c l o s e r c i r c u i t an d a lm o s t e v e r y
th in g I do, s e e o r th in k a b o u t h a s its p a r a lle l
a n d its s u b s ta n c e ro o te d in V ie t N a m . I s p e n t
o n ly a y e a r in c o m b a t bu t it s h in e s th ro u g h th e
m u r k of s u b s e q u e n t y e a r s w ith a c l a r i t y th a t
is m is s in g f r o m th e r e s t . To s u r v iv e I c u t off
s e n s i t i v i t i e s th a t I b e lie v e a r e ir r e c o v e r a b l y
lo s t. I c o n tin u e to f e e l th a t e v e r y day is e x tr a
tim e th a t I w ill n e v e r u n d e r s ta n d why I hav e
o r e v e r u s e a d e q u a te ly to ju s tif y . I b e lie v e
th a t I k ille d o r w as m e a s u r a b ly r e s p o n s ib le
f o r th e d e a th s of V ie tn a m e s e w h o se liv e s w e re
w o rth m o r e th a n m y ow n, an d th a t f r ie n d s who
d ie d w ould h a v e b e e n m o re u s e f u l th a n I a m .
I a m h a u n te d by th e d e a d . E v e ry o n e w ho h a s
s p e n t tim e in c o m b a t is d ra w n e v e r a f t e r
w a r d to w a rd d e a th , fu lly a w a re e s c a p e h a s only
b e e n t e m p o r a r y . D ead f r ie n d s v e x s u r v iv o r s
w ith s o r r o w a n d g u ilt an d b e ck o n f o r us to
r e jo in t h e i r c o m p a n y .
I w as a t th e V iet N am W ar M e m o r ia l in W ash
in g to n , D .C ., w hen it w as d e d ic a te d in 1982,
lo o k in g fo r n a m e s of a few f r ie n d s I l a s t saw
w ra p p e d in b lo o d y p o n c h o s an d to s s e d a b o a r d
o u tg o in g h e l i c o p t e r s . I f e lt s m o th e r e d by fla g s
an d m i l i t a r y b a n d s an d th o u g h t the c e re m o n y
h a d littl e to do w ith r e c o n c ilia tio n bu t w as
s ta g e d in s te a d to r e v iv e a w a r f e v e r th a t V iet
N a m had c o o le d . Yet o u r p r e s e n c e m u s t hav e
b e e n an e m b a r r a s s m e n t , a t a t t e r e d an d c r i p
p le d s p e c t r e of a lo s t w a r . I fe lt d is c o n n e c te d
m u c h th e s a m e a s I m ig h t have f e lt a t a c la s s
o r s c o u t tr o o p re u n io n . I had f o r g o tte n n a m e s
th a t I th o u g h t I w o u ld a lw a y s r e m e m b e r and
c o u ld th in k of o n ly h a lf a d o z e n . The n a m e s of
th e d e a d o c c u p y th e b la c k m a r b le w a ll of the
m e m o r ia l c h r o n o lo g ic a lly by th e d a y s of th e ir
d e a th s , a r r a n g e d in d a ily s e q u e n c e in a lp h a
b e tic a l o r d e r . I r a n m y f in g e r s in the c a r v e d
g ro o v e s of the n a m e s I r e m e m b e r e d . T h ey had
b e e n d e ad fo r a long tim e and I fe lt s lig h tly
in d if f e r e n t. I r e a liz e d th a t n a m e s th a t sh o u ld
h a v e b e e n on th e w a ll w e re m is s in g , s o m e of
th e m o u r own who f o r s o m e p e tty r e a s o n s had
n o t b e e n in itia lly in c lu d e d ; bu t a ls o th e n a m e s
of d e ad a llie s an d e n e m ie s , an d e s p e c ia lly the
n a m e s of m illio n s of o r d in a r y p e o p le who w e re
s h o t o r b o m b ed b e c a u s e it w as th e ir bad lu ck
to be in th e w ay. I th o u g h t th e r e s h o u ld be
a n o th e r w a ll w ith th e n a m e s of th e m u r d e r e d
d e a d of My L a i an d Hue to s e r v e a s a w a rn in g
th a t the o n ly e n e m y is th e m a le v o le n c e we
h u m a n s d is p la y to w a rd e a c h o th e r . A lm o s t
u n n o tic e d a g a in s t th e w a ll a m o n g f lo w e r s , w a r
m e d a ls and p h o to g ra p h s of d e a d s o l d i e r s ,
s a i l o r s , p ilo ts a n d M a r in e s w as a h a n d le tte r e d
s q u a r e of c a r d b o a r d w ith th e n a m e s of fo u r
w a r d e a d who h ad no t b e en in c lu d e d . T h ey had
b e e n k ille d tw e n ty y e a r s ago th is m o n th . The
fo u r s tu d e n ts who w e re s h o t dow n by th e Ohio
N a tio n a l G u a rd a t K ent S ta te in M ay 1970.
PA G E 13
I le ft W ash in g to n w ith f r ie n d s f r o m O re g o n .
We d ro v e th ro u g h V irg in ia , P e n n s y lv a n ia ,
O hio, N e b r a s k a , W yom ing, U ta h , Id ah o a n d
O re g o n , re a c h in g h o m e in C an n o n B e a c h fiv e
d a y s l a t e r . We sto p p e d e v e r y n ig h t a t m o te ls
o r th e h o m e s of f r ie n d s o r r e l a t i v e s , an d e a c h
d a y we m a d e s e v e r a l s to p s f o r fo o d , g a s an d
ju s t to g e t out and s t r e t c h . On th e b a c k w indow
o f o u r s m a l l tr u c k w as a V iet N am V e te r a n s of
A m e r ic a s t i c k e r , th e g ro u p th a t h a d b u ilt an d
d e d ic a te d th e V iet N am W ar M e m o r ia l. E v e r y
w h e re we s to p p e d p eo p le n o tic e d th e s t i c k e r
a n d a lm o s t e v e ry o n e w as r e l a t e d to o r h a d
know n m e n who w e re k ille d in V iet N am .
E v e r y w h e r e we s to p p e d I o p e n e d a b o o k
th a t I h ad p u r c h a s e d a t th e m e m o r ia l. It w as
th e s iz e of th e phone d i r e c t o r y of a s m a l l c ity
an d c o n ta in e d th e n a m e s of f if ty - f iv e th o u s a n d
d e a d e n g ra v e d on th e w a ll an d w h e re e a c h w as
lo c a te d . I found th e n a m e s p e o p le w is h e d to
s e e , and m a n y of th e m to u c h e d th e l e t t e r s w ith
s o r r o w . By th e tim e we r e a c h e d th e P a c if ic
C o a s t th e A m e ric a n book of th e d e a d w as a s
w e ll th u m b e d a s a phone book in a p u b lic b o o th .
U n til th e n I h a d n o t r e a l l y u n d e r s to o d th e p e r
s o n a l im p a c t of V iet N am on A m e r i c a 's h e a r t .
E a c h tim e I o p en ed th e book an d lo o k e d f o r
a n a m e I f e lt I w as p e r f o r m in g a r i t u a l of
im m e n s e u n re c o g n iz e d g r ie f .
P e r h a p s the m o s t e n d u rin g le s s o n o f th e
V ie t N am W ar an d a m a jo r r e a s o n th e g o v e r n
m e n t w ould w ish to s u p p r e s s it f r o m p u b lic
m e m o r y o r a tte n tio n is th a t a s ig n if ic a n t
n u m b e r of A m e r ic a n s w e re a g a in s t it. W hen
th e y w e re re b u ffe d by th e g o v e rn m e n t th e y
w en t out in to th e s t r e e t s an d r i s k e d in ju r y a n d
a r r e s t . T h o u sa n d s of young m e n c h o s e e x ile
o r p r is o n o v e r s e r v ic e in V ie t N a m . O th e r
th o u s a n d s who w e re in th e m i l i t a r y r e b e l l e d
a g a in s t it. A lth o u g h a r e c o n s t r u c t e d m y th
p o r t r a y s d i s s e n t e r s a s i r r e s p o n s i b l e s tu d e n t s ,
a n tis o c ia l h ip p ie s an d v a r io u s o th e r ty p e s of
m is f its and m a lc o n te n ts , th e l a r g e s t n u m b e r
of a n tiw a r a c ti v is ts w e re f r o m th e m a i n s t r e a m ,
a n d in th e s p r in g of 1971 th e s t r e a m p e a k e d
w hen five h u n d re d th o u s a n d of th e m — th e
o f f ic ia l b o d y c o u n t of U .S . f o r c e s in V ie t N a m
a t the h e ig h t of th e e s c a la tio n — m a r c h e d
th ro u g h th e s t r e e t s of W a sh in g to n , D. C ., to
d e m a n d an end to th e w a r . S e ld o m m e n tio n e d
a n d d is p a r a g e d w hen it i s , th e A m e r ic a n p e o p le
u ltim a te ly fo r c e d its g o v e r n m e n t to a b a n d o n
i t s a m b itio n s in S o u th e a s t A s ia . It is t h a t w h ic h
d is t u r b s o u r le a d e r s m o s t a n d w h ic h th e y w o u ld
h a v e u s f o r g e t: th a t we c a n an d m u s t if n e c e s
s a r y c u r b o u r g o v e r n m e n t's m is u s e o f p o w e r.
U n d e rn e a th th e s p e c ta c le of p a g e a n tr y a n d
th e d e c e it of p a tr io tis m th e j a r r i n g p r e s e n c e
o f V iet N am v e te r a n s d e m o n s t r a t e s w ith th e
s u b tle ty of a c le n c h e d f is t th a t w a r is d e a th
a n d h o r r o r , th a t it is m u r d e r a n d d e p r a v ity ,
a n d th a t it s ic k e n s the s o u ls an d m in d s o f its
e x e c u tio n e r s . V iet N am v e te r a n s g iv e w a r a
bad nam e.
— M IC H A E L P A U L M cC U S K E R