Illinois Valley News, Cave Junction, OR Wednesday, January 31, 2007 Page 9 Email bag: Cops show senses of humor The following 15 police comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country. #15: “Relax, the hand- cuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.” #14: “Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” #13: “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.” #12: “Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.” #11: “So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?” #10: Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?” #9: “Warning! You want a warning? OK, I’m warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.” #8: “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?” #7: “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey doo!” #6: “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.” #5: "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC (National Crime Informa- tion Center).” #4: “Just how big were those two beers?” #3: “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.” #2: “I’m glad to hear the chief of police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.” #1: “You didn’t think we give pretty women tick- ets? ... You’re right, we don’t ... Sign here. HAY’S HILL CLAIMED another vehicle Monday, Jan. 29 shortly before 5 p.m. Details were unavailable for this issue. The day before, at 6:30 p.m., a non-injury crash occurred near the same location at milepost 15. The driver was identified as Joseph W. Penasso, 21, of Grants Pass. (Photo by Dale & Elaine Sandberg/Illinois Valley Fire District Media Dept.) I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli - (Editor’s note: “The Noose” did not receive its shipment of sheriff’s office logs this week. Therefore, the following false items are of- fered. Despite similarities to actual factual Blotters, there is no truth in the following.) * * * Tuesday, Jan. 23 *Reported to have spent hours lapping pitchers of cheap beer at a valley pub, four dogs then whined to be let out. Obliged by a patron, they left without paying. The bartender was told to notify Animal Control. *Caught nosing around a dumpster behind an estab- lishment, a dog claimed that he was swatted with a rolled-up newspaper until he promised to pay some money he owed. He then became vague and uncoop- erative with the call-taker, and didn’t want to go into detail or press charges. *Muttering about a bar tab, a large dog was aggres- sively panhandling in front of a Cave Junction store, managers and at least 19 customers reported between 12:30 and 7 p.m. *Three small dogs were taking turns throwing them- selves in front of cars on Redwood Hwy. in Down- town CJ, and then extorting money from horror-stricken drivers, said one grizzled witness with a wry, appre- ciative laugh. *In front of the afore- mentioned store, a customer was mauled by a large, drunken dog, whereupon it was discovered that the “victim” had been attempt- ing to pilfer three bone-in hams and a dry salami. Both were cited to appear and released on opposite sides of the parking lot, from which they glared at one another for more than an hour, wit- nesses said. Wednesday, Jan. 24 *Staring fixedly at the amber flashing light at Red- wood Hwy. and River Street, a man was shouting In the Jan. 24 Police Blotter it incorrectly was reported that Robert Mi- chael Martinez, 59, was cited on a charge of viola- tion of the basic rule (VBR: driving too fast for condi- tions). David Scott Conas, 40, was actually the driver cited for VBR following a single-vehicle accident on Reeves Creek Road on Jan. 19. The “Illinois Valley News” regrets the error. “Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!” and waving his arms, a con- cerned witness said. The caller thought this might confuse school children at the crossing, who were more accustomed to hearing the man screech wildly and twirl about. A grief counsel- ing squad was dispatched. *After a Takilma Road resident phoned the 911 Dispatch Center 23 times while attempting to program his speed dial, the call-taker sent herself a telephonic harassment packet and took a “mental health day.” *When emergency per- sonnel arrived at the sup- posed site of a “major pile- up” on Redwood Hwy. near Illinois Valley Airport, they found a flatbed truck with a load of flattened, wrecked cars. *A woman in Kerby reported that a bicyclist was wearing tight shorts. *In Kerby, a bicyclist complained that a woman in a car was following him and shouting, “Whoo-whoo!” *There was a report of a man carrying at least 75 helium-filled balloons in Downtown Cave Junction. The caller was concerned that he didn’t have a busi- ness license. Thursday, Jan. 25 *Several people said they saw what looked like a man carrying balloons being caught in a gust of wind. He last was seen over Eight Dollar Mountain. *Transients lounging on the main street of Down- town CJ left a large amount of trash. Told to pick up the debris, they vanished in a cloud of cigarette smoke. *While a man was be- ing interviewed in a CJ store about possibly being a shop- lifter, he protested vehe- mently until a frozen turkey fell out of his pants. *In Selma an anony- mous person phoned to ad- vise that he had just seen Elvis in a speedboat at Lake Selmac. Friday, Jan. 26 *A man in O’Brien phoned 911 to ask if anyone knew the location of his car keys, as he was late for work. *Later, the 911 Center received a call from an O’Brien man, who said that he found his car keys, but now couldn’t locate his car. *Passers-by in O’Brien reported seeing a well- dressed man running madly along the highway while shouting that he was late for work. *Vandals broke into a $350 newspaper vending machine in CJ, rendering it useless, and removed the grand total of $2. *Between Selma and Cave Junction, a man said, a box of large U-shaped tacks fell from his truck. He wanted to know if anyone found it. Saturday, Jan. 27 *There were complaints from 28 motorists on the highway between Selma and CJ that their vehicles en- countered some sort of tacks, causing numerous flat tires. *When a man again phoned about losing a box of tacks, he was advised of a major flat tire problem. He immediately replied, “No habla Ingles,” and hung up. *Someone complained about finding ants in his house after he bought cook- ies at a bake sale. *Questioned as to why they were wearing shorts and T-shorts in 30-degree weather, several schoolchil- dren responded, “Because it’s cool!” *Trespassers set up housekeeping during an open house for a new home, but left when advised that the real estate agent held a black belt in Karate. Sunday, Jan 28 *At 2 a.m., Cave Junc- tion Citizens Patrol mem- bers observed bar patrons calmly exiting various sa- loons, and driving away in a safe and orderly fashion. Said one CJCP volunteer, “It was the darnedest thing I’ve ever seen.” Are you ready to be a father? If not, what is your game plan? for Spring Season Saturday, Feb. 3 at Shop Smart from 10-2. Thursday, Feb. 8 at Evergreen Elementary in the library from 2-4:30 Registration fees are due at sign-ups. Ages 5 - 14, $25 for the first child, additional children $20 each. Late fees apply after March 1. Luz Moore Presents: Low-Income Housing Workshop Friday, February 9, 5:30 to 7 p.m. in the Cave Junction City Hall Council Chambers. Financing is available for up to 100% of value with no down payment required for purchase of a new or existing home in rural areas. Eligibility based on household size, income, credit history, & debt to income ratio. Depending on household income, mortgage payments may be subsidized to a low as 1% interest. Eligibility requirements & area income limits will be discussed at the workshop. Those needing help with credit scores should attend the Credit Repair Workshop. Guest Speakers: Sponsored by: Bret Dixon, Area Director, Luz Moore United States Dept. of Agriculture with Susan Cherry Century 21, For strategies to avoid unplanned pregnancies, Seating is limited. For registration, call Harris & Taylor (541) 415-1961 phone ‘The Pregnancy Center’ 592-6058 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>FEBRUARY"4,"2007< 6:00 6:30 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30 10:00 10:30 11:00 11:30 12:00 12:30 1:00 1:30 2:00 2:30 3:00 3:30 4:00 4:30 5:00 5:30 (4:30) Movie: TT Movie: TTZ ‘‘Ella Enchanted’’ (2004) A young Movie: TTZ ‘‘Overboard’’ (1987) An amnesiac Movie: TTT ‘‘Father of the Bride’’ (1991, Movie: TTZ ‘‘Father of the Bride Part II’’ Movie: TTZ ‘‘Legally Blonde’’ (2001, Comedy) My Boys My Boys F [WTBS] ‘‘Three Wishes’’ (1995) woman tries to break her curse of obedience. ^ millionairess is duped by a cunning carpenter. ^ Comedy) Steve Martin, Diane Keaton. ^ (1995, Comedy) Steve Martin, Diane Keaton. ^ Reese Witherspoon, Luke Wilson. ^ ‘‘Pilot’’ Paid Paid Family Family Step by Step by Full Full Boy Meets Boy Meets Grounded Grounded Sabrina- Sabrina- Sabrina- Sabrina- Movie: ‘‘Lovewrecked’’ (2006) A teen pretends Movie: ‘‘The Cutting Edge 2: Going for the G [FOXFAM] Program Program Matters ^ Matters ^ Step ^ Step ^ House ^ House ^ World ^ World ^ for Life ^ for Life ^ Witch Witch Witch Witch that she and a rock star are castaways. ^ Gold’’ (2006, Drama) Christy Carlson Romano. Paid Paid Animal Archie’s Fox News Sunday Paid Paid Paid Paid Columbia Animal Movie: TT ‘‘Mimic’’ (1997, Horror) A deadly new Movie: ‘‘Music of the Heart’’ (1999) A woman Alias ‘‘Crossings’’ (In Star Trek ‘‘Journey to H [KMVU] Program Program Atlas (N) Myst. With Chris Wallace ^ Program Program Program Program Country Rescue ^ breed of insect wreaks havoc on New York. becomes a music teacher in East Harlem. Stereo) ^ Babel’’ (In Stereo) ^ Today (In Stereo) ^ Meet the Press ^ Babar Dragon ^ Poker Superstars Las Vegas. (In Stereo) ^ PGA Golf: FBR Open -- Final Round. From Scottsdale, Ariz. (In Stereo Whacked Euro Da Vinci’s Inquest Chris NBC News I [KOBI] Mercury Haw- thorne Argument. Live) ^ Out ‘‘Big Enough Fan’’ ^ Matthews Sports- Outside Sports Sports- Sunday NFL Countdown (Live) ^ PBA Bowling: Sun City Classic. El Dog Show: ‘‘Champions Cup’’ Figure Skating: European Championships. Warsaw, Poland. ^ Figure Skating: U.S. J [ESPN] Center ^ the Lines Reporters Center ^ Paso, Texas. (Live) ^ Lakeland, Fla. ^ Championships Franny’s Berens- Thomas & Mustard Dragon- Saddle Your Body’s FrameWork With Nicholas Bellydance Fitness The 9th Annual American Experience McLaugh- Religion- Foreign European Globe Trekker ‘‘Venice Steves Oregon K [KSYS] Feet ^ tain Bears Friends ^ Pancakes flyTV ^ Club DiNubile, M.D. (In Stereo) ^ Fusion Yoga ^ Sphinx Competition (N) ^ lin Group Ethics Exchng Journal ^ City Guide’’ (In Stereo) Europe Art Beat Dr. David Kenneth Pastor Ed The Coral Ridge Hour Love Worth Finding ^ Bishop It Is Bayless Paula The King Bishop P. Cornerstone ^ Rod Gregory Bishop Joyce Michael Jack Joel Taking L [TBN] Jentezen Franklin Jeremiah Hagin Jr. Young Sr. ^ Evans Written ^ Conley White ^ Is Coming Parsley ^ Dickow T.D. Jakes Meyer Youseff Hayford ^ Osteen ^ Authority Paid Paid Dr. Frederick K. Price Robert Schuller: Hour Paid Health Gay, Gay, Movie: TZ ‘‘Molly’’ (1999) Surgery gives a Movie: ‘‘Absolution’’ (2006, Drama) Samantha Movie: ‘‘Dawn Anna’’ (2005) A woman must Movie: TTT ‘‘The M [LIFE] Program Program of Power Program Corner ^ Straight Straight developmentally disabled woman new insight. ^ Mathis. ^ contend with her child’s death at Columbine. ^ Good Girl’’ (2002) ^ ^ Kickoff NFL Football: Super Bowl XLI -- Chicago Bears vs. Paid American CBS News Sunday Morning (In Face the Road to the Super Phil Simms All-Iron Super Bowl Today From Miami. (Live) 1: [KTVL] Program Latino TV Stereo) ^ Nation ^ Bowl (N) ^ Team Show ^ Indianapolis Colts. From Dolphin Stadium in Miami. (Live) ^ Rugrats ^ Cats- LazyTown OddPar- Jimmy Jimmy Sponge- Sponge- OddPar- OddPar- Avatar- Mr. Meaty Nicktoons Nicktoons Nicktoons Nicktoons Sponge- Sponge- Jimmy Danny OddPar- Avatar- Sponge- Drake & 1; [NICK] cratch (In Stereo) ents Neutron Neutron Bob Bob ents ents Last Air (In Stereo) TV TV TV TV Bob Bob Neutron Phantom ents Last Air Bob Josh ^ Home- Paid Coral Ridge Hour ^ Believer’s Van Impe Good Morning This Week-George House, NBA Basketball: Detroit Pistons at Cleveland Cavaliers. Figure Skating: State Farm U.S. Championships Paid Hispanics Oregon Oregon- 1= [KDRV] owner Program Voice Pres America ^ Stephanopoulos Home Quicken Loans Arena. (Live) ^ -- Championship Recap. Spokane, Wash. Program Today ^ Basketball Smith Changing- Ed Young Joel Psych ^ Monk ‘‘Mr. Monk and Monk ‘‘Mr. Monk Goes Monk ‘‘Mr. Monk Meets Monk ‘‘Mr. Monk Stays Monk ‘‘Mr. Monk & the Monk ‘‘Mr. Monk Gets Monk ‘‘Mr. Monk Goes Monk ^ 1? [USA] Coach ^ Coach ^ Paid Program World Television Osteen ^ the Psychic’’ ^ to a Wedding’’ ^ Dale the Whale’’ ^ in Bed’’ ^ Blackout’’ ^ Stuck in Traffic’’ ^ Back to School’’ ^ Paid Paid Old House Ask This Breakfast With the Breakfast With the Inked ^ Inked ^ Driving Driving King of King of King of King of Cold Case Files ^ Cold Case Files ^ Cold Case Files ^ Cold Case Files Mobile 1A [A&E] Program Program Old House Arts Rosanne Cash. ^ Arts Los Lobos. (N) ^ Force ^ Force ^ Cars ^ Cars ^ Cars ^ Cars ^ home murder. ^ (3:50) Movie: TTTZ Real Sports (In Stereo) Inside the NFL (In Movie: TT ‘‘Fantastic Four’’ (2005) Cosmic Movie: TTTT ‘‘Star Wars’’ (1977) Mark Hamill. Norbit 1st Real Sports (In Stereo) Friends of God: A Movie: TTT ‘‘Clear and Present Danger’’ (1994) Harrison 1B [HBO] ‘‘King Kong’’ (2005) ^ ^ Stereo) ^ radiation grants four people unusual powers. ^ Luke Skywalker battles the evil Darth Vader. ‘PG’ Look ^ Road Trip Ford. CIA chief combats Colombian drug cartels. ‘PG-13’ ^ (5:30) Movie: TT Movie: TT ‘‘I Am David’’ (2004, Movie: TTZ ‘‘Sahara’’ (2005) Matthew McConaughey, Steve Movie: TTT ‘‘Rize’’ (2005, Movie: TT ‘‘Senseless’’ (1998, Movie: TTZ ‘‘Blue Thunder’’ (1983) A police Movie: ‘‘Donnie Darko’’ (2001) A prophetic 1C [SHOW2] ‘‘Silver Hawk’’ (2004) Adventure) Ben Tibber. ^ Zahn. Adventurers search for a Confederate ship in Africa. ^ Documentary) Tommy the Clown. ^ Comedy) Marlon Wayans. ^ pilot is chosen to test-fly a high-tech chopper. rabbit tells a teen that the world will end. ^ (5:00) Movie: ‘‘Hockey Mom’’ (2004, Movie: TTT ‘‘Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Movie: TTT ‘‘Winter Solstice’’ Movie: TTT ‘‘My Date With Drew’’ Movie: TTT ‘‘Moonlight and Movie: TTT ‘‘Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Shamrock Movie: TTT ‘‘Winter 2; [SHOW] Movie: Comedy-Drama) Jessalyn Gilsig. ^ Unfortunate Events’’ (2004) Jim Carrey. ^ (2004, Drama) Anthony LaPaglia. ^ (2004, Documentary) ^ Valentino’’ (1995, Comedy-Drama) Unfortunate Events’’ (2004) Jim Carrey. ^ vs. Gracie Solstice’’ (2004) ^ Movie: TTZ ‘‘Vanity Fair’’ (2004) Reese Witherspoon. A Movie: TZ ‘‘I Still Know What You Movie: TT ‘‘Domino’’ (2005, Action) Keira Knightley. Thrill- Movie: TTZ ‘‘Trespass’’ (1992, Movie: TT ‘‘Striptease’’ (1996) A Miami mother Movie: TTZ ‘‘Land of the Dead’’ TTT ‘‘The 2< [MAX] woman climbs the social ladder in 19th-century England. ^ Did Last Summer’’ (1998) ‘R’ ^ seeker Domino Harvey becomes a bounty hunter. ‘R’ ^ Action) Bill Paxton. (In Stereo) ‘R’ ^ becomes a stripper to raise some quick cash. ‘R’ (2005, Horror) Simon Baker. ‘R’ ^ Rock’’ ‘R’ 1998 Wm. PBA Bowling: Motel 6 Figure Skating: 2004 State Farm U.S. Figure Skating: 2005 State Farm U.S. Figure Skating: 2006 Figure Skating: 2006 Cup of Russia. From Nov. Movie: TT ‘‘Bobby 2C [ESPCL] College Basketball -- Game of the Week (N) Billiards: Tourn. of Champions Classic. ^ Championships Championships -- Dance and Men’s Free Skate. U.S. Championships 23, 2006. (N) Deerfield’’ (1977) ^ Great Great Passport Passport Chicago: Inside the Great Cruises Queen Mary 2: Birth Samantha Brown’s Great Cruises ^ Passport Passport Passport Passport Passport Passport Passport Passport Passport Passport 3: [TRAV] Hotels ^ Hotels ^ to Europe to Europe Windy City ^ ‘‘Radiance of the Seas’’ of a Legend ^ First Cruise ^ to Europe to Europe to Europe to Europe to Europe to Europe to Europe to Europe to Europe to Europe Movies Movies Movie: TTT ‘‘Dear Brigitte’’ (1965, Comedy) Movie: TTT ‘‘The In-Laws’’ (1979) Peter Falk. A Sun. Movie: TTT ‘‘Escape From Alcatraz’’ (1979, Movie: TTT ‘‘The Blues Brothers’’ (1980) John Belushi. Movie: TTT ‘‘Romancing the Stone’’ (1984, 3> [AMC] Shook Shook James Stewart, Fabian, Glynis Johns. ‘NR’ dentist is unwillingly dragged into intrigue. ‘PG’ Shootout Adventure) Clint Eastwood. ‘PG’ ^ Two musicians reassemble their hot band for a fundraiser. ‘R’ Adventure) Michael Douglas, Danny DeVito. ‘PG’ Movie: TTT ‘‘True Crime’’ (1999) Clint Eastwood. A reporter Movie: TTZ ‘‘Blood Work’’ (2002, Suspense) Clint The Closer ^ The Closer A movie The Closer ‘‘The Big The Closer Sniper- The Closer The Closer ‘‘Fantasy The Closer ‘‘You Are 3? [TNT] tries to save an innocent man from execution. ^ Eastwood. A former FBI agent searches for a murderer. ^ star’s wife is murdered. Picture’’ ^ style murders. ^ ‘‘Flashpoint’’ ^ Date’’ ^ Here’’ ^ Bear in JoJo’s The Higgly- Little Little Mickey Mickey Johnny- Handy Doodle- Charlie & Lilo & Emperor Movie: ‘‘Read It and Weep’’ (2006, Naturally, Zack & That’s So Naturally, Phil of the Sister, Life With 3B [DISN] House Circus ^ Wiggles town Einsteins Einsteins Mouse Mouse Sprites Manny ^ bops ^ Lola ^ Stitch ^ New Comedy) Kay Panabaker. ^ Sadie ^ Cody Raven ^ Sadie ^ Future ^ Sister ^ Derek ^ Paid Paid Paid Paid Paid Paid Ghost Hunters Jason Ghost Hunters ^ Ghost Hunters ^ Ghost Hunters ^ Ghost Hunters ‘‘Old Ghost Hunters ‘‘Toxic Ghost Hunters ^ Ghost Hunters ‘‘O.K. Ghost Hunters ^ 3C [SCIFI] Program Program Program Program Program Program heads to his hometown. Jail’’ (In Stereo) ^ House’’ (In Stereo) ^ Corral’’ (In Stereo) ^ Little Paid Paid Joel Paid Surgery Saved My Surgery Saved My Surgery Saved My Surgery Saved My Surgery Saved My Surgery Saved My Surgery Saved My Surgery Saved My Surgery Saved My 4? [DISC] Paid Life Life Life Back surgeries. Program Giant Program Program Osteen ^ Program Life Back surgeries. Life ^ Life Epileptic teen. ^ Life ‘‘The Face Saver’’ Life ‘‘Rebuild My Legs’’ Life Heart defects. K-9 to 5 ^ Breed All Ultimate Dog Funniest Funniest Planet Action: Get Up E-Vets: Things Pets World’s Ugliest Dog Puppy Bowl III Puppies play. (N) Puppy Bowl III Puppies play. 4@ [ANPL] About It ^ Championships ^ Animals Animals & Do It! Swallow Competition ^ Paid Paid Mad TV (In Stereo) ^ Mad TV Frankie Muniz; Mad TV (In Movie: TTT ‘‘The Breakfast Club’’ (1985, Movie: ‘‘Zoolander’’ (2001) A disgraced male Movie: TZ ‘‘The Sweetest Thing’’ (2002, Movie: TTZ ‘‘Fast Times at Ridgemont High’’ ‘‘My 4A [COM] Program Program Wu-Tang Clan. ^ Stereo) ^ Comedy-Drama) Emilio Estevez. ^ model is brainwashed to become an assassin. ^ Romance-Comedy) Cameron Diaz. ^ (1982, Comedy-Drama) Sean Penn. ^ Boss’s’’ Paid Paid Paid Paid Paid Paid Paid Paid Paid Paid Paid Paid Hollywood Hollywood Dunne: Power, Murder by the Book Murder by the Book Murder by the Book Murder by the Book 4B [CRT] Program Program Program Program Program Program Program Program Program Program Program Program Heat Heat Privilege & Justice ‘‘Lisa Scottoline’’ ‘‘James Ellroy’’ ‘‘Jonathan Kellerman’’ ‘‘Faye Kellerman’’