The difficult child – Ideas about reactions, communication, role-modeling
By Megan Morley, Healthy Family
Healthy Child Program Manager
Periodically, some parents may expe-
rience their child being what many would
call difficult or defiant.
The child may kick and scream as
a reaction to your discipline or become
completely withdrawn, stubborn and
refuse any sort of repercussions to what-
ever punishment is put in place. The child
may even become destructive and make
threats to their parents or other adults in
their life.
The word “no” is probably the child’s
favorite and they most likely see them-
selves as being in the same place of power
in the family as their parents. This child
may not only be difficult and make their
parents want to pull their hair out, but this
child’s defiance may actually be consid-
ered to be more serious than the average
child who tests the limits by talking back
with a smart remark every so often.
This child may have what is known as
oppositional defiant disorder or ODD. In
this article, we will look at what a parent
can do if you have a difficult child or a
child with ODD.
Are you really listening?
Today, it is so incredibly easy to
become distracted and time management
can be an incredible struggle. We have
truly become extreme multi-taskers,
with our lives being so tied to things like
Facebook and whatever the Kardashians
are doing that we have forgotten how to
truly listen to each other.
I will admit that when I am having
a conversation with someone, my ever-
filling email inbox and my Facebook
wall are periodically, and eerily subcon-
sciously, in the back of my mind. I cannot
even imagine how one balances this life
as a parent with a defiant child.
I am lucky enough to have some very
well-behaved children in my family, but
even so, when my angel-of-a-3-year-old
niece decides she wants to wear a coat
other than the one my sister so precisely
selected, it sets us back at least 30 min-
utes. We then have to figure out what it is
that is truly bothering her and attempt to
solve the problem. For a defiant child, a
tantrum could literally last all day.
The first thing I advise anyone to do in
a situation where a child has become defi-
ant is to take a step back, look at yourself
and listen. Really examine how you are
communicating, reacting to the situation
and thinking.
What seems to be triggering the
outburst or episode from your child? Is
it in your approach? Look at what your
demeanor is, does your blood pressure
rise and do you begin to speak with a
louder tone?
In a situation where you feel things
are getting out of control, the first thing
that can be controlled is how you react
and how you handle the situation. Begin
to listen to your body and how you
advance the situation with your child.
This may be just the start, but once you
are aware of yourself, you then will begin
to be able to control the outcome of the
situation more gracefully.
If the child is an adolescent or teen-
ager, talk to them in more of a general
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sense instead of directing all faults at
them. Take note of other children their
age and ask the child to observe these
other children’s defiant behaviors. Ask
your child what those children did wrong
to get them into trouble. Allow the child
to observe the actions and the conse-
quences that the other oppositional chil-
dren will face.
It is helpful to ask the child to predict
what might happen if the child decides to
repeat this negative deed again. This will
encourage the child to think more criti-
cally about their own decision making and
begin looking at consequences in a way
they can relate to.
Communication is truly imperative
in understanding any child, especially
the ODD child. A defiant child often will
be extremely difficult to talk to, which
makes solving the underlying problem
seem impossible.
Some children may say things like,
“I don’t care if I am grounded, I’ll just
leave anyway. You can’t stop me.” Or if
you ask them any sort of question, they
may consistently respond with, “I don’t
know.” If these things are true, parents
must remain calm and let the child know
that you mean business.
Parents may need to take away
privileges, such as phone, computer and
TV access. In some cases, parents have
found they have to take away everything.
When the child acts positively, the parents
would allow the child gradual access to
their privileges. In this approach, the more
cooperative and positive the child is, the
more freedom they receive.
With the oppositional child, things are
often seemingly backward and instead of
taking away privileges for negative behav-
iors, which typically works as discipline
for the average child, the oppositional
child may feel empowered by frustrating
their parents.
One approach that some parents have
found is to look for the child being good
and really praise the child. Even during
times in which the child is being defiant,
there are positive aspects that can be
noticed and praised.
It very well might surprise the child
that you are not reacting with anger but
in a pleasant manner and this will take the
excitement away from the heated engage-
ment they are anticipating. Eventually,
hearing more praise will become normal
for the child (remember this is the child
who is used to being reprimanded daily)
and this can cause the child’s self-esteem
to change.
The child will begin to believe they
are “good” instead of “bad.” This altera-
tion of one’s self-perspective can be life-
changing as it has the potential to modify
the child’s self-fulfilling prophecy.
This is true for family dynamics as
well. If a family is lacking stability, the
family could fall, including the children. I
like to picture family structure in a visual
way and in the book The Defiant Child by
Dr. Douglas A. Riley, there is a wonder-
ful mental picture of this idea when he
states, “Structure is best visualized as a
corral, a large fence that encircles a child
and reminds her of an ongoing basis of
acceptable limits of behavior.”
The book also states that the healthi-
est type of structure is a flexible one. A
flexible structure has defined limitations
but can be adjusted, given particular situ-
ations. This is an approach that everyone
in the family can benefit from. A child
should have tremendous support and the
limitations should be tightened when a
child is misbehaving and loosened when
a child is on track
Consistency needs to be across the
board, from parent to parent. Parents
need to have an understanding of the rules
and create those rules together. Better
yet, if parents and children can develop
the rules and consequences together, then
everyone has an understanding of what
the rules are, which does not leave room
for any surprises.
There should not be a “good cop/
bad cop” dynamic between parents; each
rule should be agreed upon. The fear of
the unknown can be a serious anxiety-
provoking trigger, which can lead to act-
ing out and meltdowns in young children.
Having rules that everyone under-
stands can help ease these anxieties and
children are less likely to argue. This
means that rules need not be too complex
for children and punishments must corre-
late with the negative action they commit-
ted. Being uncertain of what may come
can cause anyone to feel uneasy and is a
cause for some children to not take their
parents or their parents’ rules seriously.
The way in which parents interact
with each other also is imperative to a
healthy, stable home. If a couple cannot
speak to each other in a respectful man-
ner, why would the children be expected
to speak to each other, to their parents or
anyone else in such a way?
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March 2014
Role-modeling respect and proper
communication is a key way to teaching
our children to be the people we wish
them to be. Parents are a child’s primary
teacher, so having a teacher who can
model healthy relationships can make a
tremendous difference on a child’s behav-
ior and later outcomes in life.
Friend selection has an enormous
impact on a child’s behaviors as well,
particularly because the defiant child is
often attracted to other defiant children.
To aid in the development of healthy
friendships, parents ought not to tell their
child that they cannot be friends with their
regular friends, but rather encourage the
child to explore making friends in other
groups by encouraging the child to get
involved in various group activities, like
sports or school clubs. I promote all par-
ents to get to know your child’s friends
and their families as much as possible
because friends play a significant role in
exposing positive and negative influences.
For every age range of children with
ODD, it is important to remember that
consistency on all levels is the most
important foundation for positive behav-
ior. For all children, there are a series of
steps that can help a parent or guardian
get through to their children.
The steps include communication,
warnings, and restrictions and privileges
removed and awarded. One of the most
difficult parts of encouraging a child to
move from a defiant level of behavior to
that of a more healthy level of behavior is
to hone in on the child’s potential and to
be aware of the parenting measures that
could be characterized as enabling their
negative behaviors.
Being present in a child’s life can
make all the difference. Sometimes there
may be an underlying problem, such
as undiagnosed ADD/ADHD, learning
disabilities, depression and many other
psychological conditions.
Working with your child to move
away from defiant behavior is very much
a process and will not be fixed overnight.
This type of change takes a great deal
of patience and consistency. The most
important thing to remember is to not
give up and to look at the long-term goal,
which is to raise a happy, healthy and
cooperative child.
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