Healthy Family Healthy Child Project: Getting children to listen to you
By Megan Hawley, HFHCP Social
Service Advocate
Meet Jacob, an active 4-year-old
who can be the sweetest little guy, but his
mother has a difficult time getting him to
listen to her requests.
Jacob can be very defiant and chal
lenging for his mother and she doesn't
know how to get him to listen. His mother
dreads to hear his favorite phrase, “No, 1
don't want to!” while he clings to his toys
even more after she has asked him to come
to the dinner table several times.
This is often seen as a child who is
disobedient, but this is not the only rea
son a child may not listen. Jacob and his
mother are not alone in their struggles.
In every relationship, communication
stands as the most important, if not the
only, way of interacting with each other.
Positive communication can lead to a
happy healthy life, but negative commu
nication can have devastating effects that
often lead to verbal abuse.
In the parent-child relationship, the
importance of communication is not dif
ferent. In this article, I will discuss how
to better communicate with our children
in a way that will get them to listen. I also
will discuss why it is not necessary to be
critical of our children.
There certainly have been times when
I have been in tricky situations with chil
dren who are at the point in their lives
where they would like to “test” the limits
of discipline. I will admit 1 used to be
a pushover when it came to taking care
of children, so they tended to like me. 1
didn't feel great about myself.
After learning effective ways to get
children to listen over the years, I have
been able to use these approaches to get
what is best for both of us. Getting our
children to listen can be an incredible feat
to conquer, but several techniques exist
that can effectively get your children to
finally do as you ask.
These techniques include being con
sistent; getting closer; speaking firmly,
not loudly; presenting a command as a
command and not a question; asking for
reasonable requests; going through with
your words; not giving too many options;
praising; and above all, listening.
These are skills that can be used not
only by parents, but by teachers, other
professionals, baby sitters/nannies, neigh
bors and grandparents.
Consistency
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It may sound simple, but consistency
is such an incredible way to take control
of our lives and get your children to listen.
Be consistent with a daily schedule
of routines. For example, an after-school
routine can include the following: Kids
arrive home from school, homework time,
dinner time, bath time, play/TV time,
reading and bedtime.
If children know they eventually will
get play/TV time after they get every thing
else done, then it causes less conflict and
the chances are lower that they will argue.
Being consistent with rules is also
very important. If you say that curfew is
10 p.m. for your teenager on the weekend,
it should be enforced. Exceptions can be
made, however, for such things as a movie
that gets out late.
If children break the rule or don't
communicate, it would make sense that
they don't get to do something the next
night or they may have to come home
even earlier. This way, the punishment
fits the crime.
Follow through. Don't just say you
are going to take your children’s crayons
away several times if they don’t stop
coloring on the walls. Instead say, “The
walls are not for coloring on, paper is for
coloring on.” If the child persists, take the
crayons away right then, not next time.
Proximity
If you need your child to get some
thing done, don’t yell for them to get out
the door with their football gear by yell
ing, “Hurry up, we’re going to be late!”
This will probably do just that and make
you late anyway.
Instead, help your child get things
done beforehand and have a designated
place to store items so you both always
know where they are. Also, instead of
yelling up the hallway, physically go to
their room and help them get going. This
will save a lot of time and they actually
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Siletz News
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December 2012
will hear you when you are looking them
in the eye.
Be appropriate
It is important to remember that posi
tive reinforcement can be done without
bribing. This can be described best by
using a sports analogy.
If you are a basketball player and
every time you make a basket the crowd
cheers and hollers at you for joy, it is
going to build your self-esteem and you
might even say to yourself, “Whoa, listen
to that! I can totally win this game!”
Simply said, when your children feel
you appreciate their efforts, they will
believe they have the ability to accomplish
goals and this will lead them into adult
hood with confidence.
Don't be so hard on your children.
Constantly criticizing your children can
be very damaging to their self-esteem.
The intentions of critiquing our
children are usually good, but oftentimes
parents can get carried away with trying
to make their children “perfect.” Ideally,
you should say many more positive things
to your children than negative.
“Guilt-tripping” is another destruc
tive approach I witness a lot with parents
and their children.
I will see a parent say something
like, “Well, it looks like you managed to
get yourself dressed on your own today,
good job. Too bad you didn’t choose the
dress I said you should; you would look
a lot better.”
This is essentially a psychological
game that you have just played with your
child. If you are proud of your child, be
proud of your child.
Being appropriate is an issue I see
often. Some parents will ask impossible
things of their children and become furi
ous with them if they are unable to com
plete the request.
For example, it's nearly impossible -
and unsafe - for a 3-year-old to bring you
the cereal from the top cupboard shelf.
Know what an appropriate request is for
your child; this may take some reading
on the abilities children possess at their
different development stages.
Depending on a child’s age, his or
her development will vary greatly. Being
able to understand where a child is devel
opmentally will help parents establish
developmentally appropriate practices
with their child.
One issue 1 constantly see from
parents is this fear that picking up your
3-month-old child when she cries will
produce negative results - this is not true.
What some parents don't realize is
that crying is the only way an infant can
communicate. Crying is just another way
that she is trying to tell you something -
she may be hungry, having sensory over
load (as her senses are still developing)
or she might be teething.
You as a parent also can control how
to pick your battles with your child. It is
up to you to control how reactive you get
when your child makes a mistake.
Instead of getting up in flames about
Listen
children spilling their dinner all over the
floor, simply tell them that, “We must be
Lastly, take the time and actually
more careful." If they are old enough, have
listen to your child. This may sound
them clean it up or even help them clean
incredibly simple, but when you start to
it up so they know how to properly clean
lose your patience, you lose the ability to
it up the next time.
be a responsive listener.
Take the time to respect your children
Don’t ask questions; if you must,
and listen to why they missed the bus and
don’t ask too many
now why you have to take them to school.
Listening will help you and your child to
It is much more effective if you tell
find
solutions for the next time.
your children to do something rather than
Stop yelling! This is a huge issue in
ask them if they want to do something.
parenting and is often the first thing we try
In the text, Other People’s Children:
to do in desperate measures. I will go into
Cultural Conflict in the Classroom, the
this subject more in the next article and will
premise of this idea is displayed beauti
provide solutions to breaking the habit of
fully. The book discusses cultural issues
yelling and reducing its damaging effects.
in the classroom and the way a teacher
By reading this article, I hope you
addresses the student is said to be a factor
were able to find solutions to some issues
in the way that student responds.
you may be having in your home. Please
This can be used as a parenting tool as
feel free to contact me at 541-444-8262,
well. Instead of asking your child, “After
or 800-922-1399, ext. 1262; or e-mail
you are done, do you want to eat dinner?”
meganh@ctsi.nsn.us if you have a paren
you should make it more clear and state,
tal
question or other issue you would like
“After you are done playing with your
to see in a future article.
blocks, in five minutes, you need to wash
your hands and come in for dinner.”
I'll admit at first when I changed my
approach to this more assertive one, I was
wary if the children would listen, but after
a while I got used to it and so did they.
Praise
Praise is the best way to help parents
and children boost their self-esteem.
Notice the good things your child
does. When children find that if they do
something good, their parent/guardian
notices this act and they are rewarded for
it with praise, it makes them feel good
and they will be more likely to do it again.
Vet rep asks Tribal
veterans to call in
All Siletz Tribal veterans are
asked to call Tony Molina, Honor
Guard director and Tribal veterans
representative, to verify their DD214s
and enrollment numbers so he can
process their names to be placed on
the Veterans Memorial on Govern
ment Hill.
Molina can be reached at
541-444-8330 or 800-922-1399,
ext. 1330.