October is Bully Prevention Month
Is your child being bullied? 9 steps you can take as a parent
by Janet Lehman, MSW
As we all know too well, name
calling, cruel taunts, cyberbullying and
physical bullying happen every day to
kids across the country. When your child
is being bullied, it’s hard to concentrate
on anything else - all you want to do is
make it stop immediately. Janet Lehman,
MSW, explains what you can do to help
your child —and what could hurt them in
the long run.
The lesson for our son was that while
he couldn’t stop people from saying bad
things, he had some control over how he
responded to it.
At some point, your child will be
picked on or will have his feelings hurt by
others. We all have our trials and tribula
tions with our kids, no matter who we are.
An unavoidable part of living is finding
solutions to problems, even when they are
not easy or comfortable.
In my opinion, bullying is a real
problem that needs to be solved as a fam
ily. Our son was bullied in middle school
and high school. We lived in a small rural
community where he went to elementary
school; the teachers were very aware of all
the kids and very attentive. In some ways
it was an ideal school. Unfortunately,
they had no junior high or high school in
our community, so we had to make the
choice to send our son to a large urban
school nearby.
Soon, he started to come home with
some very disturbing stories about how
other kids were teasing him, calling
names and taunting him. These children
didn’t have any clear reason why they
were bullying our son other than he was
the new kid; he was perceived as being
different. Our son would come home
each day with terrible stories about things
that had happened. My husband, James,
and I tried hard not to react too strongly
when he talked to us. We did not want to
seem too upset about it, because we really
wanted to listen to what our child had
to say without making it worse by over
reacting. We tried to remain as neutral as
possible, but we were not always success
ful. Our son was upset and depressed, and
it broke our hearts.
Over time we were able to resolve
these issues as a family, but I want to
stress that it didn’t happen overnight,
much as we wanted it to. It took a lot of
work with both the school and our son to
find a solution to the problem. Along the
way, we learned some valuable lessons
that I believe played a big part in resolving
the issue for our son.
Here are nine steps you can take when
your child is being bullied:
1. Listen to what your child has
to say: Being a good listener is an impor
tant piece of your role when your child is
being bullied. One of the best questions
you can ask your child is, “What can I do
to be helpful?” When your child tells you
what’s going on at school, as much as it
hurts to listen, be open and able to hear
what he has to say. Try to be supportive
but neutral when he’s talking. When you
react too strongly to what your child is
saying, he might stop talking because he’s
afraid he’s going to upset you.
The other side of listening is not
blaming your child. Don’t put the respon
sibility for the bullying on him or try to
find a reason for it; there is no good reason
or excuse for what’s happening. If your
child is being bullied, he is the victim, so
trying to find a reason for why he’s “bring
ing it on himself’ really isn’t helpful.
Never blame your child because it makes
him anxious and reduces what he’s going
to tell you. Your goal is that he continues
to communicate what’s going on.
2. If you were bullied as a child,
try not to personalize what is hap
pening: If you were bullied when you
were younger, the same situation with
your child will most likely bring up pain
ful memories. It’s okay to connect with
your child about how it feels to be bullied,
but don’t take the problem on as if it’s
yours alone. I think the most important
thing to do when your child is bullied is
to remember the responses you received
from others that were - or weren’t - help
ful. Use what worked and avoid doing
what was unsupportive or hurtful.
3. Don’t retaliate against the
bully or his family: As tempting as it
might be to take matters into your own
hands and retaliate against the bully or
his family, don’t do it. This is where you
have to set some examples for your child
on how to problem solve. It’s very difficult
to hear that your child is being threatened;
of course you want to immediately stop
the hurt. But remember, retaliating won’t
help your child solve the problem or feel
better about himself. Instead, take a deep
breath and think about what you can do to
help your child handle what he’s facing.
4. Coach your child on how to
react: Bullies tend to pick on people who
they can get a reaction from; they choose
kids who get upset and who take the teas
ing to heart. They also look for kids who
won’t stand up for themselves or who they
can overpower. It’s important to teach
your child how to react. We coached our
son on how to avoid bullies at school and
who to go to if he felt unsafe. We also did
role plays together where we practiced not
reacting to what the bullies said. Another
part of what we did was set it up so that
our son had some control over what was
going on. He couldn’t stop the bullying
right away, but he could get himself away
from it and he could find someone to talk
to about it.
5. Find a teacher or adminis
trator at your child’s school who
will help: Remember, it is the school’s
responsibility to stop bullying; I think
most take that seriously. The saving grace
for our son was the guidance counselor at
his school. She provided a safe place for
our son to go when he was being picked
on. The guidance counselor wanted him
to feel like he had some control over the
situation, so our child was the one taking
the initiative to talk with her. (While we
didn’t openly discuss this with him, he
knew at some level that we were also talk
ing to the guidance counselor.) We felt it
was important for our child to have some
sense of taking this problem on and solv
ing it by going to the guidance counselor
on his own.
After he started talking with her, she
let him know that he could just sit in her
office, even if she wasn’t there; the school
allowed him to basically take a time out or
break to get away from the bullying situ
ation. Again, that gave him some control
over what was going on. It gave him a
source of support and made him feel like
he wasn’t powerless. By talking to the
guidance counselor and using his pass to
go to her office, it showed him that there
were some solutions to the situation.
It’s also important to make sure your
child keeps talking - whether it’s with
you, a guidance counselor or a trusted
teacher, it’s important that he keeps com
municating about what’s going on.
6. Take your child’s side: When
our son was being bullied, we constantly
reaffirmed that there were things he could
do to handle the situation and that he was
in fact doing them. We let him know that
we were going to get him help and that we
loved him and we were going to support
him. We also said that there was no excuse
for what was happening to him. Make sure
to let your child know that you’re on his
side; he needs to understand that you don’t
blame him and that you will support him.
We also let our child know that if he
retaliated against the group, by swearing
back or even fighting, that we wouldn’t
punish him at home. Our son was bullied
physically and verbally, and we told him
that he could do what he needed to do
to protect himself. We told him that he
would still have consequences at school
for any misbehavior because that would
be against the rules, but we didn’t add to
them at home.
7. Get support: Be sure to talk to
your spouse or to supportive family or
friends. Sometimes I would burst out cry
ing after hearing about what had happened
to our son. There were definitely times
when James and I got angry. I think the
bottom line is that this situation can really
bring out emotions from parents.
We found that we needed to talk with
each other about this as a couple because
it was so hurtful and because we wanted
to be clear in how we communicated to
our son. I recommend that single parents
reach out to somebody - a family member,
friend or someone at the school - anyone
who can help you help your child. We
reached out to friends and colleagues as
well and asked how they handled it when
it happened to their kids. If nothing else, it
helped us feel like we weren’t alone and
that there wasn’t anything wrong with
our child.
8. Teach your child to name
what’s happening: For younger kids,
it’s important to be able to name what’s
happening as “bullying.” For a child
who’s feeling picked on, it’s empower
ing to be able to really name it. They’re
teaching a lot about bullying prevention
in school these days and “bully” is such a
negative word that it's good for your child
to be able to attach it to the behavior. This
is truly empowering for many children
and can work with older kids as well.
9. Find something your child
is really good at doing: Help your
child feel good about himself by finding
something he can do well. Choose some
activities he’s good at and reinforce it ver
bally. Our son got involved in swimming
and it was very helpful for his self-esteem.
Fortunately, he got through that year
and developed some great friendships.
That summer we signed him up for a sum
mer camp program. He went there still
feeling a bit like a victim and came out a
completely different human being. Camp
was a place where he really excelled and
it just fed his self-esteem.
So try to find a positive experience
for your child to help him feel good
about himself. Remember, every time
he succeeds, it helps him develop better
self-esteem; that feeling is the opposite of
how the bullies make him feel.
Bullying is not something your child
is going to get over immediately - or
simply because he wants it to be over.
It can be a long process. The lesson for
our son was that while he couldn’t stop
people from saying bad things, he had
some control over how he responded to it.
Look at it this way: a lot of people feel
stuck in their jobs. But the minute they
figure out that they have a choice - that
they can either stay there or go somewhere
else - they feel better. It’s that stuck place,
that feeling of being completely powerless
and trapped, that is the worst. I think what
our son got out of this whole situation was
finding those small pieces of control and
exerting them, bit by bit.
Again, all of this took a lot of time.
We didn’t come up with solutions quickly.
It took time for our son to trust the guid
ance counselor and then for us to encour
age him to go talk to her. After a while, we
could see that everything we were doing
was starting to work. Overcoming a bul
lying episode takes support and it takes
everyone working together as a family to
make it happen.
Signs that your child is being bullied:
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Not going to the bathroom at school.
A lot of bullies attack in the bathroom,
away from cameras and adults. Avoid
ing unsupervised activities and areas.
Getting upset after a phone call, text
or e-mail
Losing friends they previously had
Being more isolated and skipping activ
ities that they used to enjoy; spending
more time alone in their rooms
Making negative statements about
themselves and engaging in negative
self-talk
October 2011
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Siletz News
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