March notes from the Healthy Family Healthy Child Project
By Mark Kimball, Project Manager
My last few articles have discussed
making your job as a parent a little easier
by exposing readers to a model of child
rearing that, in my opinion, is as close to
having an “Owner’s Manual for Raising
Children” as one might get.
As stated in previous articles, this model
was developed by Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs in
the late 1950s. This month I will discuss a
question we have all asked ourselves, “Why
did they do that?” This question has puzzled
all parents over the centuries.
Sometimes it feels as though our
children are just trying to get on our last
nerve or they woke up this morning intent
on making our day bad. Our children do
have goals behind their misbehavior, but
it’s not necessarily related to simply being
bad or making our day bad.
Sometimes children “misbehave”
because they are tired, hungry, sick, angry,
lonely, sad or stressed. These same things
can even make me “misbehave.”
Dreikurs has divided children’s goals
for misbehavior into four categories:
attention, power, revenge and display of
inadequacy. Children’s behavior is driven
by their beliefs about what it takes to
belong and at times these beliefs may drive
a child to what we call “misbehavior.”
Children may believe that the only
way to belong at a certain time is to be
the center of attention or have the power.
At other times, they may feel they do not
belong and then seek to hurt others. Or
some children find it impossible to belong,
feeling incompetent, and they give up.
You may ask then, how do you know
which goal is behind their “misbehavior.”
As a parent of two daughters and two
sons, the answer to this question has been
the biggest help to my parenting.
Are you ready? The answer begins
with you as the parent - “How do I feel?”
Being aware of our own feelings produced
by our child’s behavior is the first clue into
what’s behind their behavior - what belief
they have about what it means to belong
at that particular moment.
There are four primary feelings to be
aware of in yourself as parents to help
clue you into a child’s goal - annoyance,
anger, hurt and helplessness.
If you’re feeling annoyed at your
child’s behavior, your child probably is
seeking attention - they will seek negative
attention if they can’t get your attention
in positive ways.
If you’re feeling angry, your child
probably is seeking power as they are
feeling powerless.
If you’re feeling hurt by your child’s
behavior, your child probably is seeking
revenge - to get even or to hurt before
they get hurt.
If you’re feeling like giving up, like
the situation is helpless - your child
probably is displaying the belief that they
can’t do it.
The easiest response for me as a par
ent is to respond out of my emotions at
the time. Often this reinforces the negative
behavior displayed by my children.
They get my attention, even if it’s
negative attention. They learn to use power
in ways that say “I have power when I’m
bigger and I control others.” They learn that
it’s OK to hurt others and be disrespectful
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Siletz News
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to them, and they learn that it’s OK to give
remember that some things are not worth
enjoyment of reaching the goal of riding
up if things get too difficult.
battling over.
a bike than belittling her for not being able
The more difficult yet more rewarding
Another quick word about choices.
to learn it like I think she should or just
response —for my children - is to respond
We’re not talking about ultimatums,
giving up. Belittling or giving up would
in a way that thinks about my children and
“You either do what’s asked or you go to
allow her to think the best solution when
their goals (they’re not necessarily aware
your room.” That’s not a choice. Know
things get tough is to give up.
they have these goals).
the behavior you want and give positive
Children’s “misbehavior” is behavior
If my goals for my children are that
choices that direct the child to the desired
with a goal behind it and a skewed belief
they grow to be happy, healthy, coopera
behavior - “Do you want to wear the red
system about what it takes to belong - and
tive, compassionate and responsible, then
pajamas or the blue pajamas?”
every child has a need to belong.
my responses to them, especially when
When my child says or does some
Let’s help our children learn how to
their behavior is “misbehavior,” should
thing that hurts me (the sign my child’s
belong in appropriate ways by responding
respect them and their needs - not wants
goal is revenge), perhaps I also feel a bit
to their frustrated behavior with respect
- in such a way that they learn how to
angry and want to retaliate or get even. I
to their needs instead of with emotional
function appropriately and positively.
could choose to do so - or I could choose
responses that belittle, control and take
To respond differently than what my
to respect that my child has been hurt by
away their ability to learn and grow to
frustrated emotions might dictate, I need
something and needs to be listened to.
happy, healthy, compassionate, coopera
to stop and think, “How am I feeling?”
Instead of yelling and screaming or
tive, responsible people.
When I understand better what my emo
punishing so they “understand that they
I will close this month’s article with
tions are and am clued into their goal,
don’t talk to me like that,” I can choose to
the following axioms:
I can change my response in order to
give them some of my time to listen to what
nurture them with respect to what need
is frustrating them. It’s time to take time
•
If a child lives with criticism, he
is driving their behavior.
with them and do some active listening,
learns to condemn.
When my child is seeking attention
helping them discover new ways that are
•
If a child lives with hostility, he learns
(cue - I’m feeling annoyed) at an inap
more appropriate to resolve their hurt and
to fight.
propriate time or in an inappropriate way,
frustration instead of lashing out at others.
•
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns
I can choose to reward positive behavior
When my child is displaying inad
to be shy. •
rather than negative attempts for attention.
equacy (cue - I’m feeling helpless too), I
•
If a child lives with fear, he learns to
This may mean I need to ignore nega
could give up with them - or I could respect
be apprehensive
tive behavior and then reinforce positive
that they need more than me demanding
•
If a child lives with shame, he learns
behavior with words of encouragement
they “get it done, sometimes we have to
to feel guilty.
and/or with time spent with the child.
do things even if we don’t like it.”
•
If a child lives with tolerance, he
When my daughter, after being put
I can choose to give them some
learns to be patient.
to bed, continues to call for me or her
hurdle help to get them over the mental/
•
If a child lives with encouragement,
mother, knocking on the wall or making
emotional roadblock they’ve encountered.
he learns to be confident.
other noises, we can ignore her behavior
I can point to past success and help break
If a child lives with acceptance, he
(as this 4s not the behavior we want), but
the task down into small steps to help
learns to love.
then when we pass the bedroom later, we
them get back on track.
If a child lives with approval, he
can make an encouraging statement like,
When my daughter is ready to give up
learns to like himself
“Thank you for staying in your room.”
on learning to ride a bike, I could give up
If a child lives with recognition, he
When my child is seeking power
with her, saying “You’re right, this is too
learns it is good to have a goal.
(cue - I’m feeling angry), I can choose to
hard.” Or, I could help her see the pieces
If a child lives with honesty, he learns
not get hooked into a power struggle and
of riding that she’s already accomplished
what truth is.
also can choose not to take power away
- “You were already balanced and you
If a child lives with fairness, he
from them - there is nothing wrong with
were pedaling great. Let’s start again and
learns justice.
children having power.
just go to the garage instead of all the way
If a child lives with security, he learns
Instead of making sure they know I
down the street.”
to have faith in himself and those
am the one with power and punishing or
Building her confidence by reminding
about him.
struggling with them until I “win,” I can
her of her accomplishments to this point
If a child lives with friendliness, he
choose to withdraw from the struggle,
and breaking the task down to reachable
learns the world is a nice place in
give them choices - this helps them
goals will go much further toward her
which to live, love and be loved.
maintain a sense of power, or I can
address problems through consequences
and agreements.
There currently is one vacancy on the Enrollment Committee and one vacancy on
When my young daughter gets on the
the Education Committee. Any Tribal member interested in serving on a committee
table and I ask her to get down and she
for the remainder of the two-year term must fill out the following form and return
does not listen (it’s the not listening that
it to the address below prior to April 7, 2011.
angers me), I can simply take the power
Please mail or fax your application to Confederated Tribes of Siletz Indians,
away from her by grabbing her, yelling at
Attn: Executive Secretary to Tribal Council, P.O. Box 549, Siletz, OR 97380-0549;
her and demanding she behave like I’ve
fax: 541-444-8325.
asked - or I can give her a choice to get
down on the big chair or the high chair.
Name: ________________________________________ Roll No:_______________
This gives her choice and invites her
to cooperate (allowing her to maintain her
Address:
___________________________________________________ ___
sense of power). When this scenario took
place in my home, my 2-year-old chose
City: _____________________________ State:_____________ ZIP:___________
the big chair and came down off of the
table of her own accord.
Telephone: Day ( )____________________Evening ( )_____________________
When my teenager pushes for power, I
could choose to enter into the struggle and
Choose the first or second choice of committees you are requesting by numbering
continue until she breaks under threats and
your preference 1 or 2 in the space provided. If you only want to be considered for
punishments, and I win - or I can respect
one committee, please indicate this by inserting the number 1.
her desire for power and help her toward
the positive use of power by addressing
____ Education Committee
____ Enrollment Committee
the issue through agreements and conse
quences related to the issue at hand.
Tribal Council will review applications and approve appointments at its regular
Again, this allows her to maintain
meeting in April. If you have any questions, please call Tami Miner, Tribal Council’s
a sense of power instead of it always
executive secretary, at 800-922-1399, ext. 1203, or 541-444-8203.
being taken away. It’s also important to
March 2011
Enrollment, Education Committee Vacancies