14 Spring 2011 Applegater
Tall Tales from the Editor
The beast
or
Upright and mobile
I had been at the south end of markers placed in the area that once housed
our Heritage apple orchard for about 15 my beloved prostate. The markers showed
minutes, pruning one of two four-year-old the radiation tech where to radiate me.
Red Rebel apple trees. This is an apple that I can tell you that the placement of the
originated around 1850, on a farm in Vir- gold markers was not a pleasant experi-
ginia – hence the name “Rebel.” In 1988, ence. I never would have guessed I could
this apple was thought to be extinct. That curl my toes back to my heels while lying
same year one was discovered in Alabama in a compromising position on a medical
that had been planted in 1930. Scion table in the doctor’s office. I was unable to
wood was taken from the Red Rebel that watch the procedure on the monitor due to
spring and some new trees were grafted up. my eyes being tightly squeezed shut from
It was quite lucky that this Red Rebel apple the agony I was experiencing during the
tree was rediscovered and new trees grafted marker placement. If I had felt anything
from it because it died the very next year. remotely as painful as that outside the
Hopefully our Red Rebels will bear fruit doctor’s office I would have called 9-1-1.
this year so we can sample its rumored high
Now I wonder, with full body scans
dessert quality and exquisite flavor.
at the airport will these gold markers show
Our border collie, Barney McGee, up? Will I then be escorted to a small
a.k.a. Monster Boy, had already raced five padded room that’s brightly lit, with a
cars (Thompson Creek Road rush hour) table for further probing? Will Homeland
from one end of the orchard to the other in Security think I’m smuggling gold? What
that same 15 minutes I was pruning. Bar- if I get mugged in San Francisco? Luckily
ney McGee believes he is a Gold Olympic the radiation treatments themselves were
runner. His mission: be sure he crosses the painless, Thank God!
finish line (either end of the orchard) ahead
First thing the radiation tech did
of his chosen opponent. Then he bristles was make a mold from my butt to my feet.
his fur all up, prances
That way I’d lie in the
around with an expres- having cancer as well as other
same position for all
sion that says “It takes diseases can leave you with little 34 treatments. Five
more than six cylinders or no dignity. Yet cancer isn’t
days a week for over
to beat me!” Then he something we wish to talk about. seven weeks, exclud-
waits for his next race. it’s too messy, it won’t happen to ing holidays, I would
Utah, our other border me or it’s just too plumb scary.
lay on an x-ray table
collie, has no interest in Well, it’s all of the above and
in my personalized
this sort of child’s play. more.
mold. They’d shoot
Since he’s around 15
two sets of x-rays lin-
years old, following the sun from place to ing my gold mine or markers up with what
place is all the excitement he needs other I called “the master x-ray” or the one they
than food. If I had half of McGee’s energy took before I started treatments. Once
I could prune 100 apple trees a day. While the gold markers were lined up— bombs
I’m not as old or as slow as Utah, I do feel as away—I’d get radiated from seven differ-
if I might be older than dirt; decomposed ent angles, one at a time. I would spend
granite anyone?
around 20 minutes on the x-ray table for
I had just finished up radiation each treatment.
treatment for prostate cancer and found
As I was being nuked I would watch
myself extremely energy-challenged. Some- a red light on the wall that flickered during
thing like five years ago I had my prostate my treatment. It read “Beam On.” Each
removed because of cancer. For three day the flickering red light made me think
years I thought I had kicked the beast’s of a laboratory scene in a really bad B Sci-
butt. Then my PSA (blood test) numbers Fi movie from 1950. Actually the whole
started to climb. Turned out that the ordeal felt like a bad movie, but I don’t
surgery eviction notice didn’t mean much recall ever auditioning for a lead role or for
to the beast. He just returned in the dark any role for that matter. Let me say right
of night, settled back in and the squatter here that everyone at Providence Hospital
made himself at home. I then had to bring was more than kind, caring and helpful. I
in a wrecking ball which consisted of 34 haven’t received any portion of the bill yet;
radiation treatments to terminate the beast I hope that when I do that doesn’t mean I’ll
once and for all.
get to know the cardiac department also.
Before I could start the radiation
Luckily the cancer itself has never
treatments, I had to have three small gold made me sick or given me any pain. I didn’t
lose any hair on my head but the area that
was radiated went bald. Towards the end
of my treatments, I started suffering with
ongoing horrendous migraine headaches
from the stress of the ordeal and some very
nasty pain in my bladder. By the way, did I
say I’d recently had bladder cancer also and
the two beasts are supposedly not related?
The only relationship between the cancers
could be that I had worked in the uranium
mines in southeast Utah, but that’s a story
for another day.
Speaking of bladder, I learned where
every restroom was between Medford and
Applegate because when it was time to go,
that meant NOW! I had a fear of there
being no restroom available. “Yes, officer,
I know this is a parking lot. I know it’s
disgusting, but my butt’s been radiated.”
Would I get tasered, cuffed and hauled to
the drunk tank? What about the back seat
of the squad car— not a pretty picture.
Having cancer as well as other
diseases can leave you with little or no
dignity. Yet cancer isn’t something we
wish to talk about. It’s too messy, it won’t
happen to me or it’s just too plumb scary.
Well, it’s all of the above and more. You
can lose control of your bladder, your
bowels, your manhood, your sanity, your
purpose in life and a lot more. It basically
just sucks! Though there is always someone
who is a lot worse off. I saw these people
every day when I went in for treatments
and I’d think I was lucky. I could be them.
I always wanted my luck to be
platinum records hanging on my walls, a
book on the New York Times best seller
list or to hit it big with a lottery Power
Ball ticket. Turns out luck is being alive,
having a loving family, loving bride and
life-long friends and living in the beautiful
Applegate. Luck is all around us every day
but we usually don’t see it because we’re too
busy with the mundane. Luck—well I’m
still upright and mobile and like my Red
Rebel apple trees we are not going to be
on the extinction list for a very long time!
“It’s not the load that breaks you
down, it’s the way you carry it.”
—Lena Horne
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