NEWS
now. So that definitely changed the way I was looking at things. Then
last May, May 21st I was up at the VA just dropping some papers off
and I started to feel not right, so Iw ent to the emergency room and
I said ‘I don’t feel right, something’ s wrong.’ and they said what do
you think it is, and I said ‘i don’t know, but something’s wrong. It’ s
not the flu, it’s not a tummy ache, there’ s something wrong.’ So they
looked at my chart and they saw my history, that I ended up there a
lot with my liver issues, so they said well we’ re not going to take any
chances, we need to find out [what’s wrong. ]
So I was in the room with the nurse, she was going through the
questions, blood pressure check and everything, and I told her — I
looked at her and I said T think I’m going to be sick,’ and she took
out a plastic tub about two inches tall, three wide, she put that on
the table and she said, ‘Well if you’re gonna be sick, just throw up
in that thing, don’t worry about it.’ I said ok, and I started to throw
up and I filled that thing full of blood, to the top. I had an artery or
something that went around my stomach and liver, it had burst and
I was hemorrhaging out df control. She saw that, and then I passed
out. That’ s the last I remember for three days.
It took nine pints of blood to bring me back. I bled out. I was already
dead. I was already in the emergency room, that’ s the only reason I
came back like I did. I was in the hospital for a month — I was in a
coma for a week and a half. Most of that was medically induced because
there were so many things going on. I had a respiratory failure, they
say that according to my chart, I died three times while I as under.
So, when I got out of there I started getting my head back. The
chaplain had come in, I knew her, and she was already giving
me last rites. As far as they’re concerned, doctors still look
at my chart today and say “we don’t know how you got here
that day, let alone how you survived it.” So one day when
I was starting to get better and my head was starting to
get to where I could think again, she came in and I was
talking with her and I said to her ‘One of the things that’s
bothering me is,’ I said, ‘I survived that suicide thing, and
I survived this,’ and it was starting to come together how
serious that was, I said, ‘do you think I’ll ever be able to
answer “why?” Why I survived?’ and she said ‘You may never
get the answer to “ why” you survived, but perhaps you’re
asking the wrong question. Instead of asking the question
“ why did you survive” the question might be “ what are you
going to with the time you were given?” ’ And that’s why the
idea of the project I call “ From the Darkness” stepped
out — I was allowed, despite all of the drinking
and all of the trouble, I was allowed to come
out of the darkness. Maybe this was why.
It’ s been a ride.
7
Again, it’ s the students that do it. The students that own it.
TCP: Do you feel like our counselors here are effectively handling the
issue, or is there more that can be done, and this program will segue
into better care for these students?
Doust: I think our counselors handle this issue great. I’ve seen them
professionally several times, but the problem is they don’t know who
and where the trouble is. That’ s what I want to try to work with the
students on so that when the students see something then there’s
a mechanism — some kind of a pathway that they can follow to
the counseling department, or something and say ‘Hey, my friend
has changed and I’ m worried about them ,’ because this notion of
someone committing suicide and everyone saying they could have
called the crisis line, or they could have done this, they could have
done that — it’s too late for that. They’d already decided that they
were going to do it because when I attempted suicide in 2010,1 really,
looking back, realized that the trouble was that I was at total peace
with that choice. At that point I didn’t care about calling that suicide
line, or the county help, or anyone. I wasn’t going to call anybody,
I had already made the choice and was at peace with that. So now it
was just a matter of getting the pills and the vodka. And that’ s what
I see. We all want to feel good so we say, ‘Well we had this program,
this person fell through the cracks,’ or ‘This person, every person
was a unique case.’ There’ s an excuse. We give ourselves an excuse.
We didn’t give the kid an excuse, we’re giving ourselves
an excuse. ‘Well, he could have gone to the counselor,
he could have called the crisis hotline.’ When you’re
ready to commit suicide that’s not where your head
is. If your head was there, you wouldn’t be ready
to commit suicide.
If you or a loved one are in need
o f help, call the counseling center
at 503-594-3176.
Find the rest o f this story and the ac-
companying video online at
TheClackamasPrint.com
TCP: Do you hope this program will
eventually spread outside of Clackamas?
Doust: I hope so. Yeah, because
the problem is everywhere, but
Clackamas might be the place to
say ‘hey, let’ s give this a try.’ A
different university could look
at this and say ‘we like this
and this and this and this,
we’re going to change a little
here,’ so each university has
own version of the program.
theclackam asprint.com
November 28, 2018