ommentary
LACK AM AS
June 1, 2005
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*5
F ace O ff :
Caffeine
affeine retains good name
in reasonable amounts
I
Easily abused substance can be
blamed for variety of ailments
Isaiah Creel
Ben Maras
The Clackamas Print
I The Clackamas Print
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I am here today to argue
the case for my client, the small and misunderstood caffeine
molecule, in the face of the blatant lies and libelous ad hom-
inim attacks of my opponent, Mr. Isaiah Creel.
It comes from modest means, spending most of its life
locked away inside of a bean, or in a leaf in a blistering hot
sun. Then it’s ripped from its mother’s womb, and scorched
and roasted slowly until its succulent aroma fills the nostrils
with pure Hiss.
What possible end does it face? Ending up drowning in the
bottom of a coffee cup, its final resting place coursing through
the veins of a sleep-deprived college student before being
metabolized, ripped apart, and flushed from the body.
We are here to offer a. plea bargain. My client will admit
to the charges of addictiveness, and even being dangerous in
some instances, but his good name must be cleared of all other
charges. At one time he was even banned in the Middle East
as being an intoxicating drug, but now he is making up for it
by being an upstanding member of the community—in fact, it
is estimated that 85 percent of the American population have
substantial contact with my client on a daily basis.
The case which we see here before us is not a case man
slaughter, but a classic example of reckless consumption in the
first degree, and overindulgence.
The facts are that in low doses (100-200 milligrams), caf
feine increases alertness, raises metabolism, and helps the
thought process. This level is equivalent to about two cups of
coffee for the average.American, and this is the level at which
my client was originally intended to be taken.
The problem, you see, comes when people don’t know how
much is enough or how much is too much. I can speak from
personal experience that eight cups of home-brewed sludge
does not make you feel really good ... unless you count pound
ing pulses and grinding teeth a good thing.
Now for the charge of murder. It is true, yes, that at 10
grams caffeine is lethal—but that would be equal to 100 cups
of coffee. The problem is with those who take caffeine pills
and the like. This is truly where the danger lies, in the
many perverted forms which it is often taken in.
When caffeine is consumed through a natural means,
such as coffee or tea, or even through energy drinks, it is
virtually impossible to overdose as it is with concentrated
caffeine pills, which make it all too easy to take up to 10
grams. So who’s at fault now? My client, or the glut
tonous tweaker who fills their stomach with stimulant
capsules?
Caffeine is a drug, yes, and while it may not be
the best thing for one’s body, when the use is con
trolled, the few harmful side-effects can be mini-
malized with the benefits maximized. So please,
let’s clear the noble name of caffeine from any
more persecution by ignorant closet caffeine,
addicts such as my opponent, Mr. Isaiah Creel,
who’s most common complaint is having too much
blood in his caffeine stream.
Photo illustration by Michaele Cooper
and Jeff Sorensen Clackamas Print
Caffeine. Devil stimulant. Burner of crotches. Corruptor of teeth and
guts. Cause of loosened bowels, heartbum, light-headedness, quickened
pulse and general jitteriness and unease (what experts refer to as “acting
all tweaked-ouf ’).
The defense will claim that “doctors” willingly admit to its beneficial
uses for treating the symptoms of migrane headaches, and that in “mod
erate” doses it poses no “real” health hazards.
The problem is that “moderate” is such a relative term, meaning
moderate to one person is two to three cups of tea per day, while to some
other poor soul it could mean 12 cups of black coffee with breakfast!
The fact of the matter is that not only is caffeine habit-forming and
mood-altering, but it is the most popular drug on the face of the planet!
That’s right ladies and gentiemen, it beats out nicotine and booze-ine in
popularity polls.
Some producers would lead you, the caffeine addicted populous, into
thinking that espresso and energy drinks—such as Red Bull™—all the
kids are raving about contain the highest amounts of caffeine, and that if
you drink simple, delicious, flavorfijl, bold, aromatic, lovely, sensuous
old coffee, you’ll save your body the trouble of caffeine’s ill effects.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have been lied to! Misled!
Bamboozled! Run amok!
The truth of the matter is, a 12-ounce cup of brewed coffee is tainted
with 200 milfigrams of caffeine, while one measly shot of espresso
has a mere 40 milligrams and Red Bull™ (red being the color of the
devil’s skin and bulls having horns, which the devil also has, leads this
Puritan to believe that Red Bull™ is, in fact, a WITCH!) contains 80
milligrams.
It is rumored that Americans started drinking coffee to spite the
bloody British during their occupation days for their love of tea. While
such a display of nationalism and anti-Britishism is to be commended, it
really has no place in the modem world.
The defense will readily admit to the charges of murder associated
with this foul stimulant, which I might add is the world’s old
est, and that if indeed some poor sop were
»to ingest enough their heart would eventu
ally speed up to the point of bursting!
Some have called me mad. Others
say that I am a hypocrite. Still others
have counter-accused me of being-
a witch.
That being said, Mr. Benjamin
Maras is a caffeine-addicted twit,
whose “facts” bear a close resem
blance to heresy. If one were to
thoroughly consider the debate in
question, one would first need to rec
ognize his own personal love affair
with coffee, and his forming of a cult
known as “Brewism.”
These fanatic cultists swill sludge
out of comically large coffee mugs
and proclaim their devotion to some
coffee bean phallus.
It should be clear by now that hot
only is caffeine a substance contrived
by Satan for the sole purpose of cor
rupting youth and loosening rectums,
but that Mr. Benjamin Maras is a
witch and should be burned at the
stake.
Student Poll:
How much caffiene do you consume?
pt much, but I work at Go
Java.”
I probably have one to three
cups of coffee a day.”
‘T try to consume at least 260 mil
ligrams a day; about six cups of
coffee.”
“ I don’t consume any becuase it
Marylou Rupp
Britt Crooks
Katie Howell
i
Kate O'Brien
makes you jittery.”
Poll compiled by Shannon
Armstead and Norma Martine^
“My dogma usually allows me one
cup of coffee but today I’m splurg
ing and having a soda as well,”
Michael Schott