IO________
Sports
WedNEsdAy, F e B ruary 6, 2002
TR e ClACkAMAS P rìnt
Cougars shoot for two victories, miss one
NICK BARRON
Business Manager
Clackamas’ men’s basketball
team overpowered Portland
Community College Jan. 30, but
lost their first league game on
Feb. 2 to Lane.
Despite the absence of
Coach Clif Wegner, whose fa
ther died the week of Jan. 27,
the Cougars dominated PCC’s
Panthers in a 91-71 rout.
Sophomore guard Michael
Kuebler led the Clackamas of
fense with 20 points, followed
by Russ Schneider with 17
points and Marvin Noble, who
tossed in 12. Kuebler was also
the leader in rebounds, bring
ing down 10.
With Coach Wegner return
ing to the bench in Saturday’s
match with Lane, Clackamas
failed to generate the offense
that has led to their success
this season, losing 83-71. It
was Kuebler, yet again, who
piloted the offense ■with 18
points. Matt Tabisz scored 17
and Schneider contributed 14
to the Cougar effort. Starting
point guard Marvin Noble did
not play in the game, but Coach
Wegner was unavailable for
comment on the matter.
Clackamas post-man Nick
Kirkpatrick explains his team’s
first lost in 2002 by saying:
“We could have used a point
guard real bad (against Lane).
Kuebler had to play for us the
whole time, and he was mainly
creating his own shots the
whole game because he didn’t
have a-point guard to get him
the ball. And we just didn’t
come to play. We didn’t play
hard enough.”
The defeat at Lane drops
Clackamas back into a first-
place tie with Southwestern
Oregon, and second place in
the Northwest Athletic Asso
ciation of Community Colleges
behind Tacoma.
Clackamas will play again
Saturday, Feb. 9 at home
against Umpqua Community
College. The Timbermen roll
into Randall Gym in last place
in the Southern Division,
searching for their first league
win of the season, and just
their fifth victory of the year.
The last time the two teams met,
the Cougars beat Umpqua in
Roseburg.
MEN’S BASKETBALL STANDINGS
SOUTHERN DIVISION
LEAGUE
SEASON
Clackamas
SW Oregon
Linn-Benton
Lane
Chemeketa
Mt. Hood
Portland
Umpqua
7-1
7-1
5-3
5-3
4-4
3-5
1-7
0-8
20-3
17-5
10-11
12-10
15-7
9-12
4-17
4-17
The Cougar's
Kieling attempts a shot against PCC on Jan. 30. Clackamas defeated the
Panthers on theShome court, 91-71.
Oh, say can you see, the Patriots' logo
By Nick Barron
What did you
fter the New
England Patrio
pset the St.
Louis Ranjs i
iuper Bowl
XXXVI? I tune
to some post-
g, complete
game broadca
with in-depth an isis and player
interviews. Exc
this was no
ordinary after
-fact sports
talk, this was the )me Shopping
Network.
enchanting
In viewing t
show, dubbed“
Shop,” I re-
alized that I was$ot a patriotic
citizen of this nation if I didn’t
rush to my phone and order Item
Number 136-364. That’s right,
just because I pay my taxes and
vote in elections, doesn’t mean I
am an American until I purchase
a Super Bowl XXXVI Champions
Full-Size Replica Helmet, for just
$89.95.
Just in case I felt that I was
missing
ESPN’s
“NFL
Primetime,” which featured Chris
Berman giving us his take on the
Super Bowl, the host of “NFL
Shop” let me know his thoughts.
According to this guy, the Patri
ots were the underdogs, and
their victory on Sunday is one of
the largest upsets in Super Bowl
history. I know, I had no idea ei
ther. And he was so nice, he of
fered me a Super Bowl XXXVI
am just trying to do my part in
helping America overcome the
blow it was dealt on Sep. 11. You
see, thanks to this lovable net
work, I can now purchase Item
Number 009-101, a.k.a. Super
Bowl XXXVI Champions Shot
Glass Set for only $19.85. This
" .the last thing Tsee before Ipassinto
drunken oblivion is the Patriots' logo,
which just happens to be red, white and
blue!"
Champions Beer "Stein, for just
$29.85!
Now; I know what you’re
thinking, the Home Shopping
Network is just another example
of those capitalistic mongrels try
ing to make a buck off of mind
less idiots like myself. But you
could never be more wrong, as I
way, the last thing I see before I
pass into drunken oblivion is the
Patriots’ logo, which just.hap
pens to be red, white and blue!
Those player interviews I men-
tioned? Well, Patriot players An
thony Pleasant, Lawyer Milloy
and Joe Andruzzi were kind
enough to stop by the HSN set
on the Superdome floor and in
vite me to purchase the same
Super Bowl XXXVI Champions
Locker Room Caps that were
perched upon their sweaty
heads. These guys even told me
that they were underdogs going
into the Super Bowl. I know, I had
no idea either. Oh, but about
those caps, they were going fast
at a low price of $22.00, so I or
dered three!
Maybe you’re like me, you
don’t root for the Patriots. Heck,
perhaps you wanted the Rams
to send the Patriots back to that
fairy tale they came from, just
like I did. But wait, that great guy
on the Home Shopping Network
told me that even if I’m not a fan
of the Pats, I can show my pa
triotism by purchasing a Super
Bowl XXXVI Champions Blanket
and Pillow! I know, isn’t that
great?
There was even a guest ap
pearance by New England owner
Robert Kraft, who enlightened
me to the fact that his team was
considered the underdog in Su
per Bowl XXXVI. That’s right, I
had no idea either. But along
with that piece of trivia, million
aire Kraft told me that he was tired
of the Patriots only being ninth
in the NFL in merchandise sold,
so I needed to pick up that phone
and grab as much Patriot stuff as
my Mastercard could handle.
Which is what I was about to
do, when I saw the missing piece
to my patriotic puzzle: the Super
Bowl XXXVI Champions Official
Football! It was only $109.85,
plus the $8.95 in shipping and
handling charges, and I knew I
had to have it. I heard the na
tional anthem playing in the back
ground as I reached for the
phone. A vision of the American
flag rolled through my mind, but
then, to my horror, I saw the fine
print on the side of my patriotic
pigskin. It read: “Made in China.”