Feature
Wednesday, May 25,1991
TheTlackamas Print Pg. 5
As^Jhe fountains Grow.
by Christopher (faykn Haberman, Chad Amery Patteson, Troy iWBlackledge and featuring guest columnist Jennifer (Persephone Gunst
The Print Staff
z^^^anisman. Woman is
JBB^woman. Dogs are man’s
friend. , Who is
woman’s best friend? Man? No.
The mountain is naked. A pristine
back drop of persons, places and
reasonable things. Scattered with
less-than-reasonable wordbuffets,
and much less profitable, plaque
gathering, unknown little midg
ets butting each other in their are
nas, tripping over hoses, loosely
connected to their heads. We
would like to welcome our guest
columnist, Persophone of the
Meadow, a jazzy female persona
that will fondle the mountain for
the last two installments.
YJOPIC: The topic was
nouns: a search for persons, places
and things, but due to Evel’s ag
gressive behavior, I believe that
we should explore/reyiew the as
pects of the primitive aggressive
nature of modem man: under
wear. AGGRESSIVE BEHAV
IOR DUE TO STRESS AND
OVER-EXERTION. OVER
CONSUMPTION
OF
CAFFEINATED BY-PROD
UCTS AND SICKINHALAUON
OF OTHER’S EXTREMEFOUL
NESS. (drinking too much coffee
and smoking too much, secondary
or primary.) This is simply titled,
“A review of underwear.”
SRaster Gaylen of the
Riven Revolt revulsion and slap
my thigh, higher than anger,
higher than primate passion-fruit
snacks made up by some Godly
cook, who has lost "trie recipe for
regularity. Nervous and prod
ding, weird. Slightly aroused by
admission to under-weird shops,
circling powerful legs in plastic
cut'ftHmals. Underwear. Guys’
underwear is simple. Protective
sheaths with a seat-life of five to
ten years, even though some pairs
havelastedmemaybeelevenyears.
“Underwear is like an old friend,”
my Dad used to say. Bleach can
revive them from discoloration
and soap is a friend to anyone.
Sexiness is not a valid argument.
Briefs, ya I like them, but trie
traditional white-banded Hanes
can always be inmydrawers. Box
ers are relaxed, and they let it all
hangout,butSuperBig Gulptruck
driver runs will always bring in
fertility closer tothe heart. Crazy
G-string nightmare haze of butt
madness, streak along seat cush
ions, still uncomfortable, still un
sure of all toiletry duties. How
ever, G-strings still have their place
in our society; on the rear-view
mirror, where jock straps have
rotted, and fruit has depleted.
Never have I bought my own un
derwear. A good gift is always the
three pack K-MART tennis ball
package with three simple colors,
three simple sizes, and ten years of
hard wear. No underwear is the
bestduring summer,but grizzness
is a problem, and holes are drafty.
I am hot a. woman, therefore I
cannot comment on the feel and
texture, and bondage ability of
women’s underwear. I like short
shorts. I leave the kitten’s by the
fire and ignite my light brown
BVD’s and smile, doing every
thing in my control to revolve
around and clad myself in clean
carpet.
Sir Amery du’ Lake:
Just in case you didn’t already
know, here's a simple definition of
underclothes: items that we wear
under, rather than over. Now this
is quite a topic. It applies to most
of us, but not all of us. The above
noted boxers can be a genuine
declaration of personality. For
those who do not wear undies, that
too is a sign of... something. “Al
ways wear clean ones, in case you
get in a car wreck.“ Words to live
by? Maybe, Stylish and flashy
undies show a feeling of anticipa
tion. Dull ones show a lack of
hope. What do glow-in-the-daik
boxers show? Or how about that
edible underwear? Whoa, scared
of that! Whatever your undie
choice is, wear (or don't wear)
them with pride. A person's un-
- derwearmaybeoneofthelastfew
truly uncensoredplacesof expres
sion known to man. But my view
is a limited one. And what else
< can you possibly say' about
"unders"? Welllknow Persephone
has somethin* good to say.
Z’ersephone of the
Meadow: Could it be that
undielessness is a sign of, say,
preparation? Perhaps,butquicker,
easier access is not why I opt to
leave my underwear nestled
snuggly in their drawer. Theprob-
lem with women and underwear
can be attributed to people like
Stephenie Seymour and designers
like Georges Marciano who feel
that in order for a woman to be
fulfilling her duty and maintain
ing her role as a “desirable”
woman, she must push, squeeze,
strangle and choke very sensitive
parts of her body. Do narrow satin
panties feel as good as they look
when they have been seized by the
cleft of two fleshy hemispheres?
Speaking from experience, I can
report they do not. The same goes
for suffocating wire-rimmed bra
ziers that circumstrict the ribcage
and then crush and jab your breasts
when you «raise your arms. I’m
sure the women reading will have
no problem empathizing with such
daily torment, where as the men
can merely use their colorful imagi
nations. So I’ll leave Stephanie
precariously sprawled across the
pages of Victoria’s Secret, pain
fully crammed in a “flattering,
accentuating, modifying” bustier,
and will break into my bland, utili
tarian Fruit of the Loom cotton
briefs when I’m wandering the
meadow in a skirt on a blustery
day.
Evel McNeieval, pur
veyor of precognition: I beg to
differ with my dear Persephone.
Any underwear even remotely as
sociated with that scantily clad
darlin’ of the mail-order lingerie
catalogues, Stephanie Seymour,
is above any reproach. She is
about the only point of interest
regarding undergarments. Our
female readers will concur that it
is the jockish, well-marbled meat
masters that attract their attention
to the whole notion of underwear
advertisement. Strange?.....! Yer
damn right. The undergarment
industry at large uses sexually al
luring pictures to appeal to a po
tentially interested audience, but
the execution of this master plan
seems wholly perverse. Male un
derwear adsexhibitcuriouslybulg-
ing males in male magazines and
females of a sexually alluring na
ture gracing the innards of any
Victoria’s Secret catalogue. The
catalogues are sent to females the
magazines to men. Here lies the
problem. Am I expected to see ads
of some baseball man in his
skivvies, be overcome with his
manliness and buy myself some
undies? Or if I’m more of the habit
of perusing a females catalogue,
am I to buy for myself or to give
away freely to the females of my
choice?
And this is end once
again. The rings of our pits are
voluptuous, and the mountains
begin to tip and sway, because the
end of the growth period is near
ing final climax. Wayward way
ho oh, Jobe, continue brief pain
lounging and release us from the
Beast (television). Don’t plug in
and don’t respond to the interface
that so many have zoned to.
NEXT WEEK’S FI
NAL TOPIC: (Be sure to be here
as the mountain grows its final
inches and collapses into a mighty
heap. Remember Mt St. Helens?
We will make ash hays out of
children and dime rehearsals out
of foil.) Television’s influence
and the techno-advancement of
this backward civilization we call
a county, a mountain, an adven
ture, a movie, a college. Donka
little heffer weizen. "Check ya'
later!
-CFCU
CLACKAMAS FEDERAL CREDIT UNION INVITES
CCC STUDENTS TO JOIN!
All full-time Clackamas Community College
students are now eligible to join Clackamas Federal
Credit Union, a non-profit financial cooperative.
Once you join, your family members will also be
eligible to become members/owners.
Clackamas FCU offers a wide range of services
such as: Checking accounts with no minimum bal
ance & no monthly fees, free audio response and
ATM's, savings and investment accounts, auto and
otherloans with low rates, VISA cards, safe deposit
boxes and morel
If you are 21 and under, you need only to
maintain a savings account of $5, while those 22 and
over will need a $100 savings. We have offices In the
Hilltop Oregon City area and the Milwaukie Express
way area. Call 656-0671 or 653-7788 for more Infor
mation or simply stop by either office.
Join today and see the difference. We wel
come you to become a member/owner of
Clackamas Federal Credit Union.
tnWmwr.MtevBA * Oregon CMy.OK WHS . nom(»J)<iM<nFAX W3)«J-7«5»
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hether you're left-brained or right brained, Marylhurst
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