Feature Wednesday, May 25,1991 TheTlackamas Print Pg. 5 As^Jhe fountains Grow. by Christopher (faykn Haberman, Chad Amery Patteson, Troy iWBlackledge and featuring guest columnist Jennifer (Persephone Gunst The Print Staff z^^^anisman. Woman is JBB^woman. Dogs are man’s friend. , Who is woman’s best friend? Man? No. The mountain is naked. A pristine back drop of persons, places and reasonable things. Scattered with less-than-reasonable wordbuffets, and much less profitable, plaque­ gathering, unknown little midg­ ets butting each other in their are­ nas, tripping over hoses, loosely connected to their heads. We would like to welcome our guest columnist, Persophone of the Meadow, a jazzy female persona that will fondle the mountain for the last two installments. YJOPIC: The topic was nouns: a search for persons, places and things, but due to Evel’s ag­ gressive behavior, I believe that we should explore/reyiew the as­ pects of the primitive aggressive nature of modem man: under­ wear. AGGRESSIVE BEHAV­ IOR DUE TO STRESS AND OVER-EXERTION. OVER CONSUMPTION OF CAFFEINATED BY-PROD­ UCTS AND SICKINHALAUON OF OTHER’S EXTREMEFOUL­ NESS. (drinking too much coffee and smoking too much, secondary or primary.) This is simply titled, “A review of underwear.” SRaster Gaylen of the Riven Revolt revulsion and slap my thigh, higher than anger, higher than primate passion-fruit snacks made up by some Godly cook, who has lost "trie recipe for regularity. Nervous and prod­ ding, weird. Slightly aroused by admission to under-weird shops, circling powerful legs in plastic cut'ftHmals. Underwear. Guys’ underwear is simple. Protective sheaths with a seat-life of five to ten years, even though some pairs havelastedmemaybeelevenyears. “Underwear is like an old friend,” my Dad used to say. Bleach can revive them from discoloration and soap is a friend to anyone. Sexiness is not a valid argument. Briefs, ya I like them, but trie traditional white-banded Hanes can always be inmydrawers. Box­ ers are relaxed, and they let it all hangout,butSuperBig Gulptruck driver runs will always bring in­ fertility closer tothe heart. Crazy G-string nightmare haze of butt madness, streak along seat cush­ ions, still uncomfortable, still un­ sure of all toiletry duties. How­ ever, G-strings still have their place in our society; on the rear-view mirror, where jock straps have rotted, and fruit has depleted. Never have I bought my own un­ derwear. A good gift is always the three pack K-MART tennis ball package with three simple colors, three simple sizes, and ten years of hard wear. No underwear is the bestduring summer,but grizzness is a problem, and holes are drafty. I am hot a. woman, therefore I cannot comment on the feel and texture, and bondage ability of women’s underwear. I like short shorts. I leave the kitten’s by the fire and ignite my light brown BVD’s and smile, doing every­ thing in my control to revolve around and clad myself in clean carpet. Sir Amery du’ Lake: Just in case you didn’t already know, here's a simple definition of underclothes: items that we wear under, rather than over. Now this is quite a topic. It applies to most of us, but not all of us. The above noted boxers can be a genuine declaration of personality. For those who do not wear undies, that too is a sign of... something. “Al­ ways wear clean ones, in case you get in a car wreck.“ Words to live by? Maybe, Stylish and flashy undies show a feeling of anticipa­ tion. Dull ones show a lack of hope. What do glow-in-the-daik boxers show? Or how about that edible underwear? Whoa, scared of that! Whatever your undie choice is, wear (or don't wear) them with pride. A person's un- - derwearmaybeoneofthelastfew truly uncensoredplacesof expres­ sion known to man. But my view is a limited one. And what else < can you possibly say' about "unders"? Welllknow Persephone has somethin* good to say. Z’ersephone of the Meadow: Could it be that undielessness is a sign of, say, preparation? Perhaps,butquicker, easier access is not why I opt to leave my underwear nestled snuggly in their drawer. Theprob- lem with women and underwear can be attributed to people like Stephenie Seymour and designers like Georges Marciano who feel that in order for a woman to be fulfilling her duty and maintain­ ing her role as a “desirable” woman, she must push, squeeze, strangle and choke very sensitive parts of her body. Do narrow satin panties feel as good as they look when they have been seized by the cleft of two fleshy hemispheres? Speaking from experience, I can report they do not. The same goes for suffocating wire-rimmed bra­ ziers that circumstrict the ribcage and then crush and jab your breasts when you «raise your arms. I’m sure the women reading will have no problem empathizing with such daily torment, where as the men can merely use their colorful imagi­ nations. So I’ll leave Stephanie precariously sprawled across the pages of Victoria’s Secret, pain­ fully crammed in a “flattering, accentuating, modifying” bustier, and will break into my bland, utili­ tarian Fruit of the Loom cotton briefs when I’m wandering the meadow in a skirt on a blustery day. Evel McNeieval, pur­ veyor of precognition: I beg to differ with my dear Persephone. Any underwear even remotely as­ sociated with that scantily clad darlin’ of the mail-order lingerie catalogues, Stephanie Seymour, is above any reproach. She is about the only point of interest regarding undergarments. Our female readers will concur that it is the jockish, well-marbled meat­ masters that attract their attention to the whole notion of underwear advertisement. Strange?.....! Yer damn right. The undergarment industry at large uses sexually al­ luring pictures to appeal to a po­ tentially interested audience, but the execution of this master plan seems wholly perverse. Male un­ derwear adsexhibitcuriouslybulg- ing males in male magazines and females of a sexually alluring na­ ture gracing the innards of any Victoria’s Secret catalogue. The catalogues are sent to females the magazines to men. Here lies the problem. Am I expected to see ads of some baseball man in his skivvies, be overcome with his manliness and buy myself some undies? Or if I’m more of the habit of perusing a females catalogue, am I to buy for myself or to give away freely to the females of my choice? And this is end once again. The rings of our pits are voluptuous, and the mountains begin to tip and sway, because the end of the growth period is near­ ing final climax. Wayward way ho oh, Jobe, continue brief pain lounging and release us from the Beast (television). Don’t plug in and don’t respond to the interface that so many have zoned to. NEXT WEEK’S FI­ NAL TOPIC: (Be sure to be here as the mountain grows its final inches and collapses into a mighty heap. Remember Mt St. Helens? We will make ash hays out of children and dime rehearsals out of foil.) Television’s influence and the techno-advancement of this backward civilization we call a county, a mountain, an adven­ ture, a movie, a college. Donka little heffer weizen. "Check ya' later! -CFCU CLACKAMAS FEDERAL CREDIT UNION INVITES CCC STUDENTS TO JOIN! All full-time Clackamas Community College students are now eligible to join Clackamas Federal Credit Union, a non-profit financial cooperative. Once you join, your family members will also be eligible to become members/owners. Clackamas FCU offers a wide range of services such as: Checking accounts with no minimum bal­ ance & no monthly fees, free audio response and ATM's, savings and investment accounts, auto and otherloans with low rates, VISA cards, safe deposit boxes and morel If you are 21 and under, you need only to maintain a savings account of $5, while those 22 and over will need a $100 savings. We have offices In the Hilltop Oregon City area and the Milwaukie Express­ way area. Call 656-0671 or 653-7788 for more Infor­ mation or simply stop by either office. Join today and see the difference. We wel­ come you to become a member/owner of Clackamas Federal Credit Union. tnWmwr.MtevBA * Oregon CMy.OK WHS . nom(»J)