Ministry of Athletics
The MisPrint
April 1,1989
Page 4
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Borrelli and Fulton censured for assault
by Jim Roberts
Commissar of Information
Two Clackamas Community
College students who used an
^.unauthorized school vehicle will
have a hearing tomorrow before
the Ministry of Education to
determine whether or not they
will be expelled from Clackamas.
The Print Sports Editor
Mark A. Borrelli, and staff
writer Dan Fulton are alleged
to have use a school car to
travel to Chemeketa Community
College in Salem. Borrelli, in a
fit of rage, stormed into the of
fice of Hie Courier-4 (the
Chemeketa student paper), and
is said to have become abusive
and violent.
"Mr. Borrelli and Mr. Ful
ton used an unauthorized
school vehicle to travel down to
Chemeketa.
They
were
reported to have been traveling
at speeds up to 100 miles an
hour," said Roberts.
The motive for the trip
stems from a letter to the editor
that Courier-4 Sports Editor
Todd Helton sent to The Print.
In the letter, Mr. Helton ac
cused Borrelli of being biased
and over-using cliches.
Borrelli and Fulton arrived
at the office of the Courier-4 at
3 p.m. Friday. Borrelli was out
raged with the letter that Hel
ton sent to The Print. They
were met at the door of the
Chemeketa paper’s offices by
adviser Clliford Brock. Fulton
then landed a vicious forearm to
the side of Brock’s head, render
ing him unconscious. This left
Borrelli all alone with Helton.
Helton ran for awhile, but could
not escape Borrelli.
Borrelli
finally caught Helton and
landed a nasty boot to the side
of his head. Then, with Helton
lying mercifully on the floor,
Borrelli got up on the desk and
was reported to have been yell
ing cliches at Helton before hard to talk. Both are listed in actions," said Jerry Burger,
condition
at
Salem Chemeketa administrator.
flying off of the desk and land fair
Should they be banner
ing full force on the prone Memorial Hospital. If you
would like to send flowers, they from Clackamas, Paul Roedei
sports editor.
would replace Borrelli as Sports
"I’ll tell you, yes I did it. are in room 221.
"It’s unexcusable what those Editor.
Fulton, a basebal
But that punk Helton had it
coming. Who is he to criticize two hoodlums did, and I hope pitcher, would lose his spot tc
my sports section when he that Clackamas see’s that they Amber Cordry.
doesn’t have one himself?" are properly punished for their
asked Borrelli.
"We were on a mission. We
went, we saw, and we kicked
their ass!!! That’s the last time
the Courier-4 will ever mess
with Hie Print," said Fulton.
Print adviser Linda (scoop)
Vogt was shocked at the be
havior of her two writers. "Mark
and Dan are such nice boys.
They were always quiet in class
and respected everyone. I can’t
believe that they would do any
thing like that. It hurts me like I
was their mother," said Vogt.
Mark Borrelli (L), and Dan Fulton (R) face a hearing
Helton and Brock were un
available for comment, as the tomorrow concerning their assault on two members of the
stitches in their mouths made it "Courier-4,” the Chemeketa CC student newspaper.
Merrill to be investigated for steroid use
by Caro! Peterson
Comrade sports analyst
Freshman sensation Troy
Merrill’s basketball future at
Clackamas is in doubt, as the
NWAACC is investigating the
talented guard for the use of
anabolic steroids.
Merrill, a 6-3 guard from
Canby, led the Cougars in every
offensive and defensive category
last year. He led his team to
the National Community Col
lege Championship, and was
voted small college player of the
year. Merrill is as good off the
courts as he is in the classroom,
as he maintains a 35 GPA. Mer
rill’s successes on the court and
in the classroom have been
credited to a lot of hard work.
But accusations have been
made by Merrill’s former
mistress Vanna White that Mer
rill’s sudden surge to fame and
glory were done with the help of
anabolic steroids.
"I have never, and will
never use any sort of steroids,"
said Merrill. Merrill feels that
the accusations from former
lover Vanna White is all an ef
fort to ruin the career of the
talented guard.
"She’s just
jealous. After I got enough of
her I dumped her. She was
upset and now she’s just trying
to get even by spreading some
crap about me," said Merrill.
White, when reached by
Coup
creates
condom concern
Three members of the CCCP student body were surprised
to discover that political reorganization created longer lines at
campus condom machines after a new "rubber rationing" policy was
passed.
telephone to her Hollywood
hotel, was eager to comment
about Merrill and his alleged
use of steroids.
"Troy
continually
used
steroids with his best friend Ben
Johnson
all summer," said
Vanna White. White also claims
that before Merrill began using
steroids he was a less than
average basketball player. "Troy
was a weakling. He didn’t play
at Canby, he was the team
manager. Originally Troy got
the job to spin the wheel, but he
was too weak so I got the job.
Then Troy met Ben Johnson
and began to do steroids with
him. That’s when his brain
turned to mush and I threw him
out," said White.
Misty Cook, commissioner
of the NWAACC, would give
no details on the steroid use,
but admitted that Merrill was
under investigation. "We can
not comment on the Troy Mer
rill incident at this time. All I
can tell you is that Merrill is
under investigation for alleged
NWAACC violations,"
said
Cook.
The investigation is ex
pected to be completed by the
middle of April, and the results
of the investigation are to be
released to the public. Should
Merrill be found guilty of using
steroids he would be suspended
from playing basketball from
college anywhere. But shouli
the NWAACC decide to
bf
harsh, they could sentence Mer
rill
to play basketball a
Chemeketa Community College.
"I’m not nervous. There i
no
way that Vanna’s lies are
going to ruin my career,
worked long and hard to built
this body the natural way and
I’m not going to let some bimbt
ruin my career," said Merrill
Merrill will await a decision by
the NWAACC before making
any more statements, but did
have one more thing to say.
"I have some free time now,
so if any of you ladies want the
best time of your life, come talk
to the pearl," said Merrill.
Sabonis to Join Cougar basketball team
by Bucky Buckwaiter
Chief Screw-up
Good news is coming for
the Clackamas men’s basketball
team in the form of seven-foot
center
Arvydas
Sabonis.
Sabonis, the star of the Soviet
National team and a first round
pick
of
the
Portland
Trailblazers two years ago, will
join his comrades and come to.
Clackamas next season.
"I’m as happy as a new kid
with a brand new piece of bub
ble gum," said Royce Kiser.
Kiser seems optimistic that
Sabonis can help turn the team
around. "He’ll be everything for
us: center, guard, and forward.
With him on the floor every
thing will center around him; he
will be our team," said Kiser.
Some of the Clackamas
players are seeing red about
Sabonis coming to town.
"Who needs him. If that big
commie thinks that he’s going to
come in and take my job then
he better stay where he is," said
Clackamas center Phil Dalton.
"I don’t really mind him
coming, if it will help the team,
but the thought of wearing all
red uniforms home and away
makes me sick. I like brown bet
ter," said guard Tim Osburn.
Some players are forming a
small underground group in
protest of Sabonis’ addition to
the team. The leader of the
group is freshman guard Troy
Merrill.
"Who needs him. I am just
as good as he’ll ever be. I fina'I
get rid of Trev Kiser and in
comes another ball hog. We’ri
not going to stand for it. We rt
a team. One man, even a mil
like myself, doesn’t make
team. Besides, the cheerleader
from Russia have hair on thei
legs," said Merrill.
Officials in the Ministry o
Athletics were only allowed t<
read a prepared statement tha
was handed down by the Mini
stry of Information:
"We are very happy to havi
Comrade Sabonis coining ti
Clackamas Communist Collegf
His presence on the basketbal
court next year for Comrad
Kiser will win them a goli
medal.'’