Feature
:or Adult Children of Alcoholics...
Time doesn ’t erase the trauma
w Marie Stoppelmoor
attire
Editor
Quite a bit of national atten-
on has been paid to the pro
em of alcoholism and drug
?use. Little attention has been
lid to the effects of these il-
lesses on the children that live
ith a substance abuser.
Ann and Mary (not their real
imes), students here at
lackamas Community Col-
ge, know the after-effects of
■king in an alcohol/drug ad-
lficted home. Both are adult
Children of alcohol/drug ad-
fl“! remember going home
lom school,” Mary said “and
wondering if we could have
violent arguments - or would
lad just pass out quietly.”
I “How can you live with
|at,” Ann asks, “and not be
Vfected?”
There are three basic “laws”
|r living in a household with an
■dieted person, which are: 1)
lon’t talk. 2) Don’t trust. 3)
lon’t feel.
■“Until 7th grade I didn’t
Lderstand that the reason Dad
ns yelling at me was because
K was drunk,” Mary said.
rWhat was there to talk about?
11 assumed, since he was the
flult, that he was always
■For a child to learn trust in an
Icoholic home is nearly im-
p ssible, because there is little
fl lidance or dependability from
qisessed parents (one parent is
¡obsessed with alcohol/drugs,
one with the alcohol/drug ad-
flt.)
I Ann’s father began molesting
her when she was a teen. Ann
fl tally confided in her mother,
Mary: “I sometimes still feel
*not good enough.’ I’m not a
good enough student, employee
or girlfriend. I always think ‘you
could have done that better.’”
4/5. Adult children have dif
ficulty having fun, and take
themselves very seriously.
Mary: “Sometimes when I go
to parties, I just stand and watch
everyone have fun. If I’m drunk I
can let myself go and have fun.”
6. Adult children have difficulty
with intimate relationships.
Ann:“I guess, deep inside, I
don’t feel very attractive. I think
there’s something wrong with
me.
7. Adult children over-react to
changes over which they have no
control.
“Don’t talk.
Mary: “Once, at work, I was
scheduled to work in one depart
Don ’t trust.
ment, but my boss switched me
Don *t feel.”
to another. It was no real pro
Hem, but I was just seething. My
The following generalizations) boss asked why it mattered and I
are from a book available at didn’t have an answer.”
the CCC library - “Adult 8. Adult children constantly seek
Children of Alcoholics,” by approval and affirmation.
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed. D.
Ann: “When I was little, I was
1. Adult children of daddy’s girl. Everything I did had
alcoholics guess at what ‘nor to have his approval.”
mal’ is.
9. Adult children feel that they
Mary: “I was shocked when I are differnt than other people.
first spent the night at a friend’s
Mary: “I am different. In high
house. Their family could have school, it was worse, though. The
disagreements without turning only people I could relate to were
them into shouting matches.” j the ‘stoner’ types; now I have .a
2. Adult children have difficul wider variety of friends.”
ty following projects through 10. Adult children are either super-
from beginning to end.
responsible
or
super-
Aim: “This is one of my worst irresponsible.
problems. Everything I started or
Ann: “I don’t know. When I
would get excited about, my lived at home, I was really
father would just tear it down responsible - but since I’ve moved
until finally I quit.”
out, I’m really in debt.”
, 3. Adult children judge-111.Adult children are extremely
themselves without mercy.
I loyal, even in the face of evidence
but the abuse continued for'
another year.
The family law of ‘don’t talk’
or trust can often lead the child
to deny their feelings, because
they do not believe that their
family members will validate ’
them.
“I can’t be mad at my mother'
for not doing anything,” Ann
says. “I’m a stronger person
than her, and, if anything, I
would be the one protecting
her.”
<
As a result of the three family
laws (don’t talk, trust or feel),
adult children of alcoholic/drug |
addicts grow up with gaps in
their development.
i
that the loyalty is undeserved.
families get caught up in the
Mary: “This is very true of my, disease and become emotionally
relationships. I have a hard time ill themselves.
breaking up with someone, even’ For information regarding
if things are just shitty.”
help for adult children of
12 -Adult children are impulsive, alcoholics, contact Mary Fit-
Ann: “I left a good job ini zgerald at the Health Center,
*7 have a hard time breaking up with
someone, even if things are just shitty.”
another state, to come back to
Oregon, while all I have here are
debts.”
Research in this country in
dicates that there are ten million
plus alcoholics in America.
Most alcoholics are in a family
unit. Without help, many;
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Some information in this arti
cle is from the following books:
“It Will Never Happen To
Me?” - Claudia Black, Ph. D,
M.S.W.
Adult Children of Alcoholics
- Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D.
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