Monoloqug______
Idle Hands
By J. Dana Haynes
Tis the season to be grumpy ...
Yes, once again the yule tide has come in,
and all across the country the traditional happen
ings are happening.
And one of the most traditional is the moan
ing and whining that accompanies the occasion.
Actually, it’s quite understandable. After all,
the stores did put up their Christmas decorations
the day after Halloween, which means that we the
public have already been subjected to a month of
elves and frocking. And Corporate America has
already switched over to Holliday Muzak. Show of
hands: Has anybody not heard Adrea Costalontis’
Jingle Bell Rock this year?
So Okay. I can understand why some people
get decidedly grinch-like this time every year.
I, on the other hand, love it.
My wife Peggy is one of the former. On the
day after Thanksgiving, a shopping day that will
live in infamy, Peg and I braved the wilds of the
Clackamas Town Center. We probably saw you
there, since the great majority of the free world
was also shopping there that day.
True, the crowds were chaotic. And the noise
was deafening. The lines were long, the kids
demonic, the music slurped from the speakers
like Karo syrup, and the sales persons looked like
characters from a Dickens’ workhouse.
But there’s that certain air. The je ne sais
quoi that makes Christmas shopping so much
fun. Sure people are tense, and the pace is hectic.
Yet there’s that comraderie that springs from
30,000 people crammed into a Hallmark shop.
Even the temporary insanity has its fun side.
Shopping is usually pretty boring. But when one
doesn’t know the mental condition of the sales
clerk, and every purchase is a life or death situa
tion, then an air of excitement exists.
It’s often worse in specialty places, such as
greeting card outlets or toy stores. In one shop
that Peg and I hit, there was an adorable, com
puterized toy Santa Claus that played the first
eight bars of We Wish You a Merry Christmas. Not
with a recording of musical instruments, mind
you, but with an array of electronic beeps, similar
to the sound of a hot rod Mustang that plays The
Battle Hymn of the Republic on its horn.
Bee Beep Be Bee Bee Beep Beep ... over and
over again. We were only in that store for about 15
minutes, but we could well understand the look of
desperation on the faces on the clerks. However,
its bad for business to throttle a Santa in front of
the little kids, so the sales personnel persevered.
Above and beyond the call, I dare say.
For me, the feeling of tension and excitement
grows with each passing day. No thrill on the
planet matches that of a shopping spree in a JC
Penney’s on Dec. 24. Strong men have been reduc
ed to whimpering when assigned to a last-minute
foray into the toy section of a K-Mart.
This year promises to be a bumper crop of
anguish, as a certain segment of society will
remember on the week of the 20th that little Ber
nard has his heart set on an E. T. action figure. Oh
yes, that soapy little alien should prove fun for all.
Peg and I have already decided to pack some cold
cuts, sit across from the Extra-Terrestrial section
of the Toys R Us and work up an editorial on mob
mentality. Look for it in a January issue of The
Print.
So take care one and all. And don’t fool
yourself by saying that this year, unlike every
other year, you’ve planned ahead and avoided the
rush. You have not. In a week or two, you’ll
remember one last relative or friend, and after
much soul searching you’ll figure what the heck,
it’s only one present.
And when we meet, both standing in an un
moving line at a department store, I’ll dare you to
tell me you’re not having fun.
Mozeltov!
page 2
Lip sync
Sublime and ridiculous
By Tracy M. Sumner
Of The Print
I scoffed aloud a few weeks ago when I read
the advertisement posted in the Community
Center Mall.
Our Associated Student Government spon
soring an “air guitar-lip sync” contest? Come on
guys! This is an institute of higher learning. We’re
all adults above such childish behavior-aren’t
we?
After some coaxing by a friend, I reluctantly
agreed to sit in on the display last Wednesday.
Due to an unforeseen delay (a class, I believe it
was) I arrived about 25 minutes late, just in time
for Steve Vohs’ predictable-but-amusing mime.
What really suprised me was the attendance. It
took several “excuse me’s” and “pardon me’s”
just to position myself in a favorable viewpoint.
The first lip sync act I saw was four members
of the men’s cross country team letting it all hang
but to Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger.” The crowd
response was great and with good reason. Those
guys were really impressive in syncronizing their
every move to the music.
The contest’s winners came next with what I
heard was an encore performance of their act.
The group of ladies won my award for costume
design. They at least should win something for
having the nerve to lip sync a Rick James song in
public.
Next came a group that was ineligible for
the awards because they arrived late. But for
overall action and crowd appeal, they may have
won the first place award. It was a group com
prised
of college soccer players doing a
very impressive act to AC-DC’s “Problem
Child.” While I find AC-DC’s sounds about as
appealing as finger nails on a chalk board, I must
admit that the guys did an excellent job of
choreographing themselves to the sound.
About half way through the show I realized
that I was a little more than midly amused by the
proceedings.
For gosh sakes, it was downright entertain
ing!
For the sake of consolation for the also-
rans, I have compiled a list of awards (imaginary,
of course) for individuals I felt were deserving of
individual attention.
Take a bow:
Sean Kelly—Sean was an absolute wild man
as he mimiced AD-DC’s lead screamer, Bon
Scott. Easily the best “lead man” of the day.
Sean’s shirt, may it rest in peace, should also be
given special commendation for giving its all.
Steve Gogl—Steve was the only outstanding
drummer. The others were good, but only Steve
was a show in himself. The sunglasses were a
nice touch.
Jim Edmark-Jim showed the advantage of
really letting go of one’s self for the sake of
showmanship. At times it would have been easy
to believe that he really was playing the guitar for
the cross country runners. His athletic ability was
really helpful.
To sum up my feelings on this display, I
must congratulate the participants of the contest
for having the nerve to really let themselves have
a good time in public. I believe most of us have a
lot to learn from those people.
MERRY CHRISTMAS &
A HAPPY CHANUKA
ONE AND ALL