Fear not citizenry,
Brother is watching you
By J. Dana Haynes
There are eight million
stories in-the Big City. Eight
million hopes and wishes,
dreams and plans, opinion and
theories. It’s my job to weed
out the bad ones. I’m an In­
quisitor for the Moral Majority.
Monday, 0630 hours. Rid­
ding the good old U.S; of A. of
the liberal, communist atheists
is no easy job. My partner Bob
and I start at the trouble spots:
the schools. It’s a dirty job, but
somebody’s got to d o if
Che Guevara Memorial High
was a trouble spot. Always has
been. Back during the ’60s,
there was a lot of the Get-ou-
of-Nam talk. Most of the
neighborhood are Democrats,
and some J-E-W-S...you see
what I mean? Trouble sprit.
My partner Bob and I arrived
at 10:00 and made our way to
the teacher’s lounge.
Seated behind a table, eating
yogurt, was a bearded young
man. He wore corduroy slacks
and no tie.
\ '
Left winger. I can smell them
a mile away.
‘Mr. Alan Goldfarb?” I ask­
‘Yes.”
My partner Bob and I flashed
our tins.
“The Moral Majority?”
“That’s right, Mr. Goldfarb.
Plain-clothes Inquisitors. We’d
like to talk to you.”
“What about?” He was look­
ing scared now. Bob smiled
disarmingly,
“We just want to ask you a
few questions,” my partner
Bob said as he sat.
“What about?7*
“Do ybu know a gentleman
named Caulfield? Holden knee-jerk left-wingers sneak
Caufield?”
their twisted morals in, and
»“Well sure, I know who what have you got?
Holden Caufield is. I’m an
Well, in this case, you’ve got
English teacher.”
Gertrude Davis, librarian. We
“Uh huh. Ever have your knew that Gertrude was work­
students read ‘Catcher in the ing at Che Guevara High
Rye’?”
because we’d pulled her rap
“Well...uh...as a matter of sheet at headquarters.
fact...” I
Gertrude has two strikes
“That’s what we thought,” against her. First, she’s, a
my partner Bob nodded and Negro. There’s nothing wrong
removed his notebook from the with that, of course. Why,
sportscoat, inside pocket, “Tell some of our best friends are of
me, did you have your charges the colored persuasion. It’s
read essays by Benjamin just.-, .well, you know what I
Franklin on Nov, 3rd of this mean.
year?”
Second, Gertrude had been
' “Uh, yeah...”
I chimed in, “And did you on welfare. She’d sponged off
not casually mention that out society for almost five
years. Some teary-eyed story
Franklin had a...paramour?”
Goldfarb was pacing and about carrying incestuous
smoking by now, his eyes dar­ triplets and having cerebral
.
.
ting like a trapped animal, “Er, palsy.
If there’s anything my part­
I don’t recall...That is...”
“Uh huh. And how about ner Bob and I dispise, it’s
panty-wasted leeches.
defacing Thomas Jefferson?”
My partner Bob and I
“Now waitaminnit!”
My partner Bob stood, sauntered, casually info the
“Didn’t you say, on Oct. 14th, library and leaned against the
‘Jefferson owned slaves’? microfiche machine. When
Gertrude saw us, she gasped.
Quote-unquote?”
“W...well maybe...but...”
“What’s the beef, officer?”
“Uh huh,” I nodded and
“Gerty, baby. Can’t believe
stood, “Bob, book him.”
we came by just to chat? I sup­
We finished with Goldfarb, pose you know my friend?”
called a prowl car to come col­
“I’m his partner, Bob.”
lect him,/and made our way to
. “Listen, . flatfoot,” she
the school library.
whispered and looked around
One of the first things you nervously, liy6u know. I’m
learn in this business is that the clean? I’ve been off the welfare
library is usually The center of for years now!”
trouble. Take out the trash
“Sure;., . sure,” my partner
literature and you’ve got a nice, Bob sneered, “That’s not what
healthy book depository, with we’re here for. We need so­
novels by Louisa May Alcott meone to testify against
and Louis L’Amour. But once Goldfarb.”. 1
\
in a while, bleeding heart,
“G.. .Goldfarb? Alan? What’s
My partner Bob leaned forward menac­
ingly, “How about ‘Conscientious Objec­
tors’?”
he doné?” she. tried the old in­
nocent act.
“Several charges, sweety­
pie,” I grinned, “Teaching
heretical literature, not posting
the Ten Commandments in his
, classroom. Teaching minors
’ that Viet Nam was a mistake,
ad infinitem.”
“Ad nauseum,” my partner
Bob responded.
“Look, I told you. I’m clean
now. I’ve got a good job here
and can’t afford to lose it!”
- “Oh, yeah?” I looked
around, “Cushy job, Gerty.
Just checking out nice little
books to minprs. Got any por­
nography?”' ...: . ;
“What? NO!”
“Steinbeck?”
“Sure, but...”
“Uh, huh,” my partner Bob
podded, “Hemingway?”
“Yes...”
“How " about
Will
Shakespeare?”
“Yes...”
“Tsk, tsk,” I shook my head
sadly, “Pretty racy stuff. Got
anything on Birth Control? Or
abortion? Ms. Magazine?”
My partner Bob leaned for­
ward menacingly, “How about
‘Conscientious Objectors’?”
Gertrude’s guilty look
answered the questions.
“Look, sychophant!” I drop­
ped the Mr. Nice-Guy facade,
“We’ve got you dead-to-rights
on a dozen cases of Giving Bad
Knowledge to Minors. ,Now
you scratch our backs and we’ll
Scratch yours.”
Needless to say, Gertrude
saw the wisdom of our debate.
We not only had our criminal,
we had a witness. •
-For now, our work vas
done. The battle was won, but
the war remains. There were
still cases of Loose Morals out
there. Waiting to ensnare inno­
cent children and -con­
gressmen.
But it was a start.
AAARGH!Hope seen in Reagan’s cuts
By J. Dana Haynes
Several fnonths ago, theri-
Governor Ronald Reagan
espoused various and sundry
promises. ? Most prominent
among them was the vow to
lower everybody’s taxes. For
better or worse, the majority of
voters in America those to
believe this, and voila! Our new
president is none other than
{the afore-mentioned Mr.
Reagan.
[ Well, now the man has kept
his promises. At least in spirit.
Last week, before the eyes of
this fairest of nations, and via
the three TV networks, Presi-
i E dgerton
Well, as much as it goes aga­ “most favored status?” Thez ding higher than
inst my? grain, I’m’- afraid I political leaders of this nation Republican President ever did.
agreed with a' lot of what love to interject the > word The cost of “keeping this coun­
Reagan said. His proposed “Defense” for ‘.‘Military” or try safe” is spiralling in a
slashes seemed, on the sur­ “Machinery of War.” Defense J-curve.
face, to be fair and impartial. I is a buzz word- like. “Pro-life” or . Oregon Senator Mark Hat­
don’t think that big business will “Moral Majority.” It sounds vir­ field, in a speech before the Tri-
reap great rewards frorn the tuous arid hbrtest, and culls City Chamber of Commerce in
televised speech, nor that the forth visions of protecting our Gladstone, summed up the
But also in keeping with thé common man will once again jvomen and children from the current thinking on Capitol Hill
staunchly
right-winged be stuck with the bill. Unless >■ invading hoards. It does not br­ fairiy well: “I can take you to
Republican President, Reagan I’m mistaken (and we all know ing forth the idea of a war-like any military base in the U.S.
put a hands-off sign on the how probable that is), Mr. stance against the rest of the
and show you a shortage of
defense budgét? “America Reagan really does care about world.
pallets. You know, those flat,
must remain strong,” quoth the the great American middle
In his speech, President wooden things you set heavy
Chief Executive, and so we see class**
Reagan said that we actually to machinery on, and then carry
proposed cuts in every section
boost the “defense” spending.
On the other hand, why Y6t, former President Carter with a forklift. There’s also , a
of the federal government save
shortage of bullets. We have
should the Pentagon be given sky-rocketed the military spen-
one.
the most sophisticated rifles on
the face of the earth and
/TiP,
THINK \
nothing to shoot from them.”
RE5WGT REAGAN'S I
Senator Hatfield’s theory is
P80P35EV CAÏÙGET CWTM
simple. Why doesn’t Congress
I ARE TOO SRASTIC?
7
take its monetary scythe and
7
'NOT AT Att.THC \
pare down the Pentagon?
A ME53,
1
Monumental waste is the rule,
.ANDR0N HAS TO...
not the exception, in govern­
ment. Why should we not think
it so of the military?
At the above mentioned lun-
'cheon, Senator Hatfield Went
on to say, “Why do we spend
several million dollars to build a
fancy tank that can be
destroyed by a $2,000 rocket
launcher?”
A good question, sir.
dent Reagan politely asked
Congress to lower the boom
(debudget) on themselves. The
idea is to lower the national
debt, and then to lowqr the
amount pf money the good old
working class pays into taxes.
All good and well.
centimeters
b*
SN: OL0055
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