Film view By Thomas A. Rhodes
'Lagoon/ 'Blues/ head
editor's worst list
FBrry Medved and Randy
Dreyfus, authors of "The Fifty
|volt Films of All Time,"
aid, 'Sitting through a ge-
uittly wretched film can
eave you with dizziness in
he read, a bad taste in the
nolth, agitation in the
totfach, and even a rumbl-
ngm the bowels."
^■th that in mind, I must
aylthat I've never been
>ick|r in my life than while
vatching the fijms released
th^Jyear.
^Kre, then, is my. list for the
/volt films released in 1980.
'Can't Stop The Music“-A
:ast of nymphomaniacs (in-
:luding Village ldiots-l rnean-
3eople) star in what was bill-
;id>s “the movie musical
'îve|t of the '80s:" It turns out
to be the musical fiasco of
thftentury. And in the same
century that brought us
'Gftase'' and “At Long Last
Lové,'' that's really saying
something! Poor direction (by
comedienne Nancy Walker),
acting, and laughable
dialogue lead to a horror film
“The Blues Brothers"-Could
you make a comedy without
a script, with the two lead ac
tors wearing sunglasses
throughout the nearly two
and a half hours of film, and
with $30 million? Well, direc
tor John (“Animal House")
Landis couldn't.
Faced with a "Hey, let's
put on a show!" plot and a
script that's as funny^as lung
cancer, Landis searched for a
savior. He asked himself a
.simple question. “What do
teenagers like other than the
Blues Brothers?" Suddenly it
struck him (right in the face,
no doubt). Cars. "Let's have a
huge car chase.-That always
pleases them," he probably
said.
Being Universal, they
naturally said, "Yes/'to the
idea. So, car upon car was us
ed. Was a script used? Not
from the looks of it. The
chase wasn't really bad, it
just displayed what the
movie really needed. Which
was characters. No matter
scene from their fialsco, "Can't Stop The Music," otherwise
known as "Can't Stand .the Music."
that would have made Alfred how physical the humor, it
Hitchcock scream; Please, still needs character.
Brian De Palma, no homages!'-
Other that the fact that
"The Blue Lagoon"-This was,
one was short and fat and the
by far, the easiest choice. It Other wasn't, Jake and
proves three things. Brooke
Elwood Blues were as inter
Shields can't act to save her changeable as Hamlet's
soul, director Randal
Rosencrantz and Gildenstern.
(“Grease") Kleiser can't direct
Every good comedy team has
to save Shields' soul, and if
a straight-man and a funny
yoB make a movie about
man. The Blues Brothers áre
teenage sex, it will make
both straights, men. Any
money The flip side of “Lord
Character they haye is hidden
of the Flies," this joke of a
behind the sunglasses they
movie spews two young
wear the entire movie. As
children onto
a deserted
"Newsweek" critic Jack Kroll
island (where's Gilligan when
we heed him?) and lets them
grow up without any adult in-
fluence
Rather than turn toward
viojence, the children
(Brsoke
Shields
and
Christopher Atkins) turn
toward sex, the way nature
would want it. This makes
"The Blue Lagoon" as
dramatic as watching two
guppies mate.
To put it simply, “The Blue
Lagoon shows how a dull
story’can be turned into a
really boring one. It's truly a
s letter
Wednesday, January 14, 1981
said, "A comic without eyes
is like a dancer without feet."
Maybe British playwright
Tom Stoppard will write the
sequel, "Jake and Elwood are
dead."
“Friday the 13th"-This film
touchingly displays how sex
ually active teenagers can be
murdered in. various fashions.
This box office smash
manages to break every law
of human nature in one
scene. After decapitating the
murderer with a machete, our
sweet and innocent virgin
smiles. Show me a person
who smiles after a beheading,
and I'll show you the next
murderer.
“Oh God, Book ll“-Another
sequel bites the dust as all of
the spark and originality of
the original have parted.
George Burns is back as the
man upstairs, but for some
reason he hires Gilbert Cates
to produce, direct and write
(with FOUR other people) the
show. As
anyone
in
Hollywood can tell you,
Gilbert Cates (like Randal
“Blue Lagoon" Kleiser) can't
direct to save Brooke Shields'
soul.
“Wholly Moses“-After the
success of Monty Python's
"Life of Brian," Columbia Pic
tures tried to duplicate its
success with its own religious
comedy, "Wholly Moses!"
Despite the cast (Dudley
’ Moore,
Dom
DeLuise
Madeline Kahn, Laraine.
Newman, and Richard Pryor)
the film is the “Life of Brian"
without the life. It just wasn't
funny, period.
“Xanadii"-Roller disco lives
(or dies) in this fantasy
musical of a muse (Olivia
/Newton-John), one of the
eight daughters of Zeus, who
is sent to earth to inspire 4
painter (Michael Beck) and a
musician (Gene Kelly) to
complete their life's dreams.
The strange casting and
slim plot are bad enough, but
it's the awful songs by the
musical group ELO that put
this musical over the top.
What muse could have in
spired this?
WHO'S ON SECONDf-Attempting to be another Abbott and
Costello, Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi fail miserably due to
lack of script. (Who's the screenwriter?).
'ELLO SAILOR! WANT TO BUY US DRINKS?-Brooke Shields
(left) and Christopher Atkins bare strikingly natural poses for
"The Blue Lagoon," the worst film of 1980.
“Foxes“-The moral flip-side
of “Blue Lagoon," this preten
tious art film stars Jodie
Foster as the leader of a four
some who slip in and out of
beds and hangovers as often
as most people blink their
eyes. "Foxes" will be
remembered for having the
most hateable characters irj
film history, a$ every .human
in it is, either stupid- or a
nymphomaniac-ot both.
Every person is going
nowhere and it doesn't look
as if anyone wants to go
anywhere. ALL parents are
neurotic, ALL kids are
helpless
-victims.
EVERYTHING is hopeless.
NOTHING is fun in this
movie. "Foxes" is a hopeless
ipovie about hopeless
Characters and has the
distinction of telling three
lies every minute.
“Times Square“-A loud, ob
noxious punk rock film in
which the whole purpose is to
sell an album. Every sleazy
character in New York City is’
portrayed as a happy-go-
lucky person. The most
dangerous mile, in the nation
is .turped into Meridian,
Idaho. Aaargh!
RUNNING CHOREOGRAPHY
-Olivia Newton-John is chas
ed by very stupid looking
dancers in "Xanadu." Note the
slightly imperfect syncroniza-
tion (Which step first?).
Special Achievment Awards
Every year, the movie industry pats itself on the back
by handing out Academy Awards. These little statues are
supposed to represent the best that Hollywood offered
over the past year.
If the industry only pays attention to what it has done
well, it never really will learn from its mistakes. That is,
until a disaster occurs, as in the case of “Heaven’s Gate”
in which United Artists let Michael (“The Deer Hunter”)
Cimino go four times over-budget on his new film simply
because “The Deer Hunter” won five “Oscars.”
At the “Heaven’s Gate” premiere the film put
its audience to sleep. If the studio paid attention to big
budget fiascos such as “1941,” “Black Hole,” “Hur
ricane,” “Barry Lyndon,” or “New York, New York,” it
would not let a director go hog wild on the budget.
Here are awards for special acheivements in . films
released last year:
The Mediocre Movie of the Year
“The Jazz Singer” wins it hands down by presenting no
new ideas, no new plot devices, no new characters,
mediocre acting, mediocre directing, mediocre
screenplay, mediocre photography and mediocre adver
tising. All in all, “The Jazz Singer” was the most “usual”
movie released last year.
Worst film
“The Blue Lagoon” edges “Can’t Slop (I mean Stop)
the Music” for. the top prize. Dull characters, dull plot,
dull movie. See article.
Worst Actor
Steve Guttenburg wins the award for his fumbling por
trayal in “Can’t Stop the Music.” Despite strong competi
tion from his comrades The Village People, Guttenburg
wins with dishonor because of his ability to overem
phasize every word.
Co-starring with Bruce Jenner, Guttenberg has all the
charm of a dog playing an aspiring young composer who
wants to write songs that can be sung by Puerto Rican In
dians. A performance worthy of the sound-track album.
Worst Director
Working with a brilliant script, two brilliant actors
(George C. Scott and Marlon Brando), and a story that
has great possibilities, somehow director John G. Alvid-
son turns “The Formula” into a piece of mass confusion.
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