Satire Turinkies, prune juice key to success By Frank Fumble For The Print One of the joys of being an ace sports reporter is when you get the chance to talk to truly great athletes. At the begin ning of this month, I was given the opportunity to talk to The Print’s own intramural flag football team, an awesome machine called The Paper weights. U) o </)l Because The Paperweights only allow women reporters in their locker room, I did have a little trouble gaining an inter view. I managed to track down team spokesman Lee Jeffries. He described the ball club. “Our quarterback, Brian Rood, has an excellent arm on him,” he stated emphatically, “and with receivers like Kelly Laughlin and Mike Koller, our passing game is unbeatable. Another plus is that we’ve got some strategy that the other teams haven’t thought of.” I asked him to give me an example. “I can’t let any of our team secrets get out to the general public,” he said, “but, off the record I can tell you that one of our best strategies is to tie our flags to our jock straps.” The Paperweights are also ■ known for their tough training. All team members are required to go to a rigorous training camp located in the McLoughlin parking lot. All players are also kept on a strict diet of Twinkies and prune juice. Jeffries stated proudly that it was their training methods that helped them to defeat The Grunts in their first game. I asked him if there was any truth to the rumor that they won by a forfeit because The Grunts had enough sense not to try to play in the pouring rain. “There is absolutely no truth in that,” Jeffries maintained, “that rumor was obviously star ted by some degenerate.” Even the best of them must fall and it was The Paper Jeffries (who was meditating® the garden). I weight’s turn when they lost a close one to The Broncos (14- 7). Jeffries declined to discuss that game but stated simply that he knew he should have slipped the referee a $20 in stead of a $5 bill. At first, Jeffries refused ■ talk to me,‘and insisted th :1 leave them in peace. Since 1® a good public relations maB and since I have a good rig® hook, I managed to get him® talk. “It wasn’t that bad oil loss,” he protested, “22-11 really isn’t that bad.” “That’s 42-12,” 1 remind® him. I Next came, as Jeffries described, “a bruising victory” over The Steves (which I later found put is a non-existent team). However, any hopes The Paperweights had for a bowl bid were crushed by their latest defeat to The Grunts, 42- 12. Hearing about that devastating loss, I rushed over to their locker room hoping to get an interview. Unfor tunately, no one was there; however, I learned that the en tire team had retreated to a monastary near Colton. Rushing out there, I was able to gain entrance. I managed to track down team spokesman “42, 22, it’s all the sari Give us a break, every tea has a bad day. We were] mentally prepared. Why, sori of the boys haven’t seen thl gurus for a week.” “Is it true that you had eig| players on your team and Tl Grunts only had five?” At this point, I had to con elude the interview becauss Jeffries began to cry. Abrokl player on a broken team. Gruntstake intramural flag football title The intramural flag football season has come to a close, a very dramatic and exciting close at that, as the champion ship was decided on the final game of the season. It was a foggy and" chilly daly at the Clackamas field as The Grunts and The Broncos prepared for the title-deciding battle. The two teams ended regulation play with the score tied at 18. Under intramural rules, the teams would enter a five-play “sudden death” over time period in which each team would be granted five offensive plays. The team that had totaled the most yards in that time would be declared the vic tor. The Broncos took the ball fir st, and managed only a minimal number of yards. The Grunts then had their turn. It took the explosive Grunts only two plays to better their op ponents’ effort and take the championship. Other intramural news of note, Tim Kelley is setting the '' > pace in the intramural table tennis competition. Kelley has gained two victories against nol defeats to earn the top spot ini the early stages of the matches.® Cagers drop opener to M.S.B. The coaching debut of Royce Kiser was a rather un pleasant affair as the CCC men’s basketball team dropped the season opener to Mult nomah School of the Bible, 82- 80, at Randall Gym. Kiser commented, “We did not play good defense at all.” It was bad defense that ultimately sent Multnomah players to the free throw line 30 times where they hit on 20.Comparatively, Clackamas only went to the charity stripe 17 times with 10 successful. The Cougs outshot Mult nomah from the floor, scoring 70 points to their opponents’ 62, but the lopsidedness of the foul situation proved oh so costly. CCG’s Eric Walker all Multnomah’s Mike JohnsJI tied for scoring honors in the contest with 28 points apiece] Walker also grabbed 13 rebounds. Rob Anderson ad- ded 20 for the Cougs while Kirk Davis tallied 19 to round; out the leaders in the scoring department. The Cougar Cagers will be looking for their first win of til year as they take on .owel Columbia Community Colle® tonight at Randall Gym. Game] time is scheduled for 8 p.n] The team will then travel to 1 Pasco, Wash., for a nojl league contest against Columl bia Basin College on Saturday« JOHN’S Auto Electric Service & Supply Lifetime guarantee on mufflers * Duals & headers *Trucks & motor homes *AII custom work *Complete foreign car service 812 Molalla Aye. Oregon City Page 10 656-363 Clackamas Community C : legel