Satire
Turinkies, prune juice key to success
By Frank Fumble
For The Print
One of the joys of being an
ace sports reporter is when you
get the chance to talk to truly
great athletes. At the begin
ning of this month, I was given
the opportunity to talk to The
Print’s own intramural flag
football team, an awesome
machine called The Paper
weights.
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o
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Because The Paperweights
only allow women reporters in
their locker room, I did have a
little trouble gaining an inter
view. I managed to track down
team spokesman Lee Jeffries.
He described the ball club.
“Our quarterback, Brian
Rood, has an excellent arm on
him,” he stated emphatically,
“and with receivers like Kelly
Laughlin and Mike Koller, our
passing game is unbeatable.
Another plus is that we’ve got
some strategy that the other
teams haven’t thought of.”
I asked him to give me an
example.
“I can’t let any of our team
secrets get out to the general
public,” he said, “but, off the
record I can tell you that one of
our best strategies is to tie our
flags to our jock straps.”
The Paperweights are also
■ known for their tough training.
All team members are required
to go to a rigorous training
camp
located
in
the
McLoughlin parking lot. All
players are also kept on a strict
diet of Twinkies and prune
juice. Jeffries stated proudly
that it was their training
methods that helped them to
defeat The Grunts in their first
game. I asked him if there was
any truth to the rumor that they
won by a forfeit because The
Grunts had enough sense not
to try to play in the pouring
rain.
“There is absolutely no truth
in that,” Jeffries maintained,
“that rumor was obviously star
ted by some degenerate.”
Even the best of them must
fall and it was The Paper
Jeffries (who was meditating®
the garden).
I
weight’s turn when they lost a
close one to The Broncos (14-
7). Jeffries declined to discuss
that game but stated simply
that he knew he should have
slipped the referee a $20 in
stead of a $5 bill.
At first, Jeffries refused ■
talk to me,‘and insisted th :1
leave them in peace. Since 1®
a good public relations maB
and since I have a good rig®
hook, I managed to get him®
talk.
“It wasn’t that bad oil
loss,” he protested, “22-11
really isn’t that bad.”
“That’s 42-12,” 1 remind®
him.
I
Next came, as Jeffries
described, “a bruising victory”
over The Steves (which I later
found put is a non-existent
team). However, any hopes
The Paperweights had for a
bowl bid were crushed by their
latest defeat to The Grunts, 42-
12.
Hearing
about
that
devastating loss, I rushed over
to their locker room hoping to
get an interview. Unfor
tunately, no one was there;
however, I learned that the en
tire team had retreated to a
monastary
near
Colton.
Rushing out there, I was able to
gain entrance. I managed to
track down team spokesman
“42, 22, it’s all the sari
Give us a break, every tea
has a bad day. We were]
mentally prepared. Why, sori
of the boys haven’t seen thl
gurus for a week.”
“Is it true that you had eig|
players on your team and Tl
Grunts only had five?”
At this point, I had to con
elude the interview becauss
Jeffries began to cry. Abrokl
player on a broken team.
Gruntstake intramural flag football title
The intramural flag football
season has come to a close, a
very dramatic and exciting
close at that, as the champion
ship was decided on the final
game of the season.
It was a foggy and" chilly daly
at the Clackamas field as The
Grunts and The Broncos
prepared for the title-deciding
battle. The two teams ended
regulation play with the score
tied at 18. Under intramural
rules, the teams would enter a
five-play “sudden death” over
time period in which each team
would be granted five offensive
plays. The team that had
totaled the most yards in that
time would be declared the vic
tor.
The Broncos took the ball fir
st, and managed only a
minimal number of yards. The
Grunts then had their turn. It
took the explosive Grunts only
two plays to better their op
ponents’ effort and take the
championship.
Other intramural news of
note, Tim Kelley is setting the
'' >
pace in the intramural table
tennis competition. Kelley has
gained two victories against nol
defeats to earn the top spot ini
the early stages of the matches.®
Cagers drop
opener to M.S.B.
The coaching debut of
Royce Kiser was a rather un
pleasant affair as the CCC
men’s basketball team dropped
the season opener to Mult
nomah School of the Bible, 82-
80, at Randall Gym.
Kiser commented, “We did
not play good defense at all.” It
was bad defense that ultimately
sent Multnomah players to the
free throw line 30 times where
they hit on 20.Comparatively,
Clackamas only went to the
charity stripe 17 times with 10
successful.
The Cougs outshot Mult
nomah from the floor, scoring
70 points to their opponents’
62, but the lopsidedness of the
foul situation proved oh so
costly.
CCG’s Eric Walker all
Multnomah’s Mike JohnsJI
tied for scoring honors in the
contest with 28 points apiece]
Walker also grabbed 13
rebounds. Rob Anderson ad-
ded 20 for the Cougs while
Kirk Davis tallied 19 to round;
out the leaders in the scoring
department.
The Cougar Cagers will be
looking for their first win of til
year as they take on .owel
Columbia Community Colle®
tonight at Randall Gym. Game]
time is scheduled for 8 p.n]
The team will then travel to 1
Pasco, Wash., for a nojl
league contest against Columl
bia Basin College on Saturday«
JOHN’S
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Oregon City
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